Awoke with this picture in my mind. I don't draw a lot, but quickly sketched this in my journal as a visual reminder. I need to heave that bag of garbage and hurt right into God's willing and capable hands. It's too big for me to carry. Amen.
6.08.2009
6.07.2009
The Sound of Rushing Water
The sound of water is my favorite sound. When we were in Colorado last summer the mountains were magnificent, but it was the Colorado River and Clear Creek that drew me. And the waterfalls. That magnificent sound of rushing water.
The little noise machine by my bed, which I turn on when my husband stays up later than me or gets up earlier than me - the white noise - is the sound of waves hitting the shore. The magnificent sound of rushing water.
When I slept at the hospital with my dad when he was in intensive care, I needed white noise to overcome the continual hub bub of that department. Online I found white noise of ocean waves - it played in 3 hour increments. (I googled "white noise"...)
I've recently lamented to my husband, "I haven't heard the ocean since April of 2007..." We usually go to Florida for spring break, but it did not happen this year. The crashing waves soothe me.
Yesterday I found, in looking through old scrapbooks still laying about since the funeral, a poem my mother wrote about leaving the ocean when she moved from Vancouver, British Columbia to Madison, Wisconsin. I knew my love for words was inherited, but when I read that poem and imagined that grief...I felt a new bond.
This morning, taking extra time to snuggle in with my Savior, Beth Moore's study took me to Revelation 1 and this description of Jesus there:
Beth quoted," Your voice is like the sound of cascading waters,..." - love that choice of words. The New Living Translation states, "...and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves."
This God of ours is so amazing. John penned these words that God now used as a personal hug just for me today in this very moment. To think that the sound that most mesmerizes me on this whole incredible planet is the sound that describes His voice. Goosebumps.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. One of my siblings, in his grief, has turned on me and is coming quite undone. My heart aches. The family is unravelling.
But Jesus is here, and His voice is flowing right to the tender spots. He is always Enough.
The little noise machine by my bed, which I turn on when my husband stays up later than me or gets up earlier than me - the white noise - is the sound of waves hitting the shore. The magnificent sound of rushing water.
When I slept at the hospital with my dad when he was in intensive care, I needed white noise to overcome the continual hub bub of that department. Online I found white noise of ocean waves - it played in 3 hour increments. (I googled "white noise"...)
I've recently lamented to my husband, "I haven't heard the ocean since April of 2007..." We usually go to Florida for spring break, but it did not happen this year. The crashing waves soothe me.
Yesterday I found, in looking through old scrapbooks still laying about since the funeral, a poem my mother wrote about leaving the ocean when she moved from Vancouver, British Columbia to Madison, Wisconsin. I knew my love for words was inherited, but when I read that poem and imagined that grief...I felt a new bond.
This morning, taking extra time to snuggle in with my Savior, Beth Moore's study took me to Revelation 1 and this description of Jesus there:
Revelation 1:14-17 (NASB95)
14 His head and His hair were white like white wool, like snow; and His eyes were like a flame of fire.15 His feet were like burnished bronze, when it has been made to glow in a furnace, and His voice was like the sound of many waters.16 In His right hand He held seven stars, and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword; and His face was like the sun shining in its strength.17 When I saw Him, I fell at His feet like a dead man. And He placed His right hand on me, saying, “Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last,
Beth quoted," Your voice is like the sound of cascading waters,..." - love that choice of words. The New Living Translation states, "...and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves."
This God of ours is so amazing. John penned these words that God now used as a personal hug just for me today in this very moment. To think that the sound that most mesmerizes me on this whole incredible planet is the sound that describes His voice. Goosebumps.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. One of my siblings, in his grief, has turned on me and is coming quite undone. My heart aches. The family is unravelling.
But Jesus is here, and His voice is flowing right to the tender spots. He is always Enough.
6.03.2009
Strengths Finder
Next week end I am taking a one credit class entitled, "Personal Assessment." The course description is "Receive assistance in personal assessment of character, leadership and learning styles, gifts, and ministry and relational skills as it relates to your vocational calling."
I can't wait! It involves writing a life line which makes up 70 percent of the grade. The description is, " Your Life Line assignment summarizes the providential work of God in your life using a process outlined in Life Line: An Exercise in Spiritual Biography. This process
explores your development up until the present. The assignment has a number of components that comprise the total Life Line assignment."
I think I'm going to love this. The class is only Friday night and all day Saturday, but then we have a month to write up all the parts of the life line.
Tonight I did another part of the class - an online StrengthFinder test. There were 170 (?) questions with continuums of answers and you had 20 seconds to mark your spot on the continuum. It took about 30 minutes. The website generates a report on your top five themes which you can then read about in the textbook.
My top five themes, in order, with the descriptors that pop out at me, are:
1. Strategic. The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. Trust your intuitive insights as often as possible. Even though you might not be able to explain them rationally, your intuitions are created by a brain that instinctively anticipates and projects. Have confidence in these perceptions.
2. Maximizer. Excellence, not average, is your measure. You don't want to spend your time bemoaning what you lack. Rather, you want to capitalize on the gifts with which you are blessed. It's more fun. It's more productive.
3. Belief. You have certain core values that are enduring. Belief theme causes you to be family oriented, altruistic, spiritual and to value responsibility and high ethics - in yourself and others. Core values give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige.
4. Responsibility. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done.
5. Activator. Guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done.
By the way, all 34 themes are positive. That's why it is called STRENGTH finder.
So, do you think the test has me pegged?
I can't wait! It involves writing a life line which makes up 70 percent of the grade. The description is, " Your Life Line assignment summarizes the providential work of God in your life using a process outlined in Life Line: An Exercise in Spiritual Biography. This process
explores your development up until the present. The assignment has a number of components that comprise the total Life Line assignment."
I think I'm going to love this. The class is only Friday night and all day Saturday, but then we have a month to write up all the parts of the life line.
Tonight I did another part of the class - an online StrengthFinder test. There were 170 (?) questions with continuums of answers and you had 20 seconds to mark your spot on the continuum. It took about 30 minutes. The website generates a report on your top five themes which you can then read about in the textbook.
My top five themes, in order, with the descriptors that pop out at me, are:
1. Strategic. The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. Trust your intuitive insights as often as possible. Even though you might not be able to explain them rationally, your intuitions are created by a brain that instinctively anticipates and projects. Have confidence in these perceptions.
2. Maximizer. Excellence, not average, is your measure. You don't want to spend your time bemoaning what you lack. Rather, you want to capitalize on the gifts with which you are blessed. It's more fun. It's more productive.
3. Belief. You have certain core values that are enduring. Belief theme causes you to be family oriented, altruistic, spiritual and to value responsibility and high ethics - in yourself and others. Core values give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige.
4. Responsibility. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done.
5. Activator. Guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done.
By the way, all 34 themes are positive. That's why it is called STRENGTH finder.
So, do you think the test has me pegged?
6.02.2009
The Religious Right Didn't Kill George Tiller
This is an effective and succinct article from the Wall Street Journal about the *left's* accusations that all of us conservative Chr1stianz are responsible for this senseless murder. I really appreciate this article: The Religious Right Didn't Kill George Tiller.
Murder is senseless and wrong. Whether at 9 months gestation, 1 day gestation or at age 60. Murder is not ever a solution.
Murder is senseless and wrong. Whether at 9 months gestation, 1 day gestation or at age 60. Murder is not ever a solution.
6.01.2009
Pass the butter...
Um...
Regarding that previous post about the chives ...if you were going to stop by for a baked potato...you may want to hold off until after a hard rain...
Boomer thought the chives were a bush...
Sigh.
Regarding that previous post about the chives ...if you were going to stop by for a baked potato...you may want to hold off until after a hard rain...
Boomer thought the chives were a bush...
Sigh.
5.31.2009
Quiet bliss
.JPG)
On Memorial Day I moved a chair from the screen porch into the sun right outside the porch. This has been a cool spring, and the mornings and evenings require a sweatshirt and a spot in the sun.
There's a lovely bench to hold the gear, and the chair swivels so I could put my feet up and stay a while.
The bottom two photos are what I could see from my vantage point.
.JPG)
.JPG)
Quiet time bliss.
Now in bloom...
The irises are currently in their glory - the purple ones have joined the white ones which began blooming a few days ago. Each bloom lasts only a day, which seems a shame - they are so beautiful. These ones were transplanted from my mother's yard to our old house and now here. They are HARDY.
.JPG)
.JPG)
I have no idea what this little plant is. The stalk/trunk is woody like a bush, and it is under two feet tall. This year it is in full bloom! It has not grown much in size in the two years we've lived here, and this is the first year of blooms - last year it had some orange buds which never developed. It survived our harsh winter, and the leaves are thick and waxy like a succulent. Does anyone have any guesses?
Herbs
Today I dug out a new garden in the corner of the tiers by our kitchen patio door. The previous owner of our home added landscape beams and created tiers all around our home which makes for interesting vistas and difficult mowing!
Anyhow, this is now the kitchen herb garden. Still left the lemon verbena, the spearmint and the lemon balm in their containers for this year, as I'm afraid they'll take over the whole space. Added some "spicy basil" and "cinnamon basil" from the garden center along with a large chunk of chives from a friend's garden. the edge of mulch all around is for easier moving around the rocks. There already was a tiny bush in the corner - that's still there...with a garden angel flying over the space.
Anyhow, this is now the kitchen herb garden. Still left the lemon verbena, the spearmint and the lemon balm in their containers for this year, as I'm afraid they'll take over the whole space. Added some "spicy basil" and "cinnamon basil" from the garden center along with a large chunk of chives from a friend's garden. the edge of mulch all around is for easier moving around the rocks. There already was a tiny bush in the corner - that's still there...with a garden angel flying over the space.
The plan is that I will walk out the patio door and clip some fresh herbs while I cook or when I make beverages. Sounds good in theory.
What do you do with chives other than clip them onto a baked potato with sour cream? Any ideas out there?
5.29.2009
Garden Updates
Decided to document what is in bloom when and make a garden journal of sorts. I'll share the photos here too.
First was the purple phlox - which came back in ABUNDANCE this year.
First was the purple phlox - which came back in ABUNDANCE this year.
.JPG)
This next photo is also the front entryway, with a few annuals now planted there as well. The phlox is perennial, and we have it in various places all over the yard. It is a beacon of spring. Annuals are not safe to plant until Memorial Day week end. Our Wisconsin weather is just too unpredictable.
Last year I planted a Bleeding Heart. It must *love* its location, because it is thriving! Bloom time is about the first of May.
.JPG)
The violets were transplanted last year to a protected spot, as the deer loved them! These are precious to me as they were originally from my mom's front entry. She was not a gardener per se, but had irises, violets and tomatoes! This year my violets bloomed on her birthday, May 7th.
.JPG)
The irises are just beginning. The white ones, transplanted from my friend Vicky's garden, are called "immortality." The purple ones are not open yet..they have been transplanted twice - originally from my mom's garden in Madison, WI.
Immortality bloom time? Today! May 29th.
These wild geraniums are a hardy ground cover with lovely blooms a couple times per season. They were transplanted from my friend Jodi's garden. You can see the pot of Lemon Verbena in the background! This photo was also taken just this morning.
I just love the rhythm of the garden - one of the blessings of Wisconsin is the cycle of all four distinct seasons. Spring has to be my favorite - new birth and the revival of what looked to be lost...
Spearmint
This year our garden contains a few edibles. Since the deer visit most evenings (scared one away from the feeders again last night - inches from her as I whispered "shoo!" she just kept munching...until I started to further open the window. Then she moseyed away) I can't have a vegetable garden unless I want a fence - which I don't. But next to the screen porch is a barrel with a "patio tomato" plant in it, and two variations of cilantro. And in other pots I have Spearmint, Lemon Balm and Lemon Verbena. I learned (the hard way) that these herbs are VIGOROUS and spread everywhere and throughout everything - thus the pots this year.
I love mojitos, but don't especially need the alcohol nor the sugar. My "mojito garden" this year is for iced tea: with Splenda, Lemon Verbena and Spearmint it is quite incredible, and a great summer refresher.
I do make quasi mojitos too. I soak mint sprigs in lime juice in the fridge. When I'm ready for refreshment, I strain an inch of lime juice into my glass and add Fresca and a splash of rum. What a FABULOUS sugar free beverage for a summer evening. It's as good as a margarita without all the sugar and calories. The rum is just for the tinge of flavor - alcohol puts me to sleep - I am a VERY wimpy drinker.
Just clipping the mint sends my senses soaring - rubbing it in my hands emits the most amazing aroma. An automatic lift.
I'm enjoying my mint. Today it's just floating in my hot tea. Simple Pleasures.
The Journey
Still reading For the Tough Times by Max Lucado. Love these quotes:
The wolf cannot get to the sheep without the permission of the Shepherd, and the Shepherd will only permit the attack if, in the long term, the pain is worth the gain. (p.44)
The purpose of this test is to provide a testimony for the church. Jesus was allowing [Simon]Peter to experience a trial so he could encourage his brothers. Perhaps God is doing the same with you. God knows that the church needs living testimonies of his power. Your difficulty, your disease, your conflict are preparing you to be a voice of encouragement to your brothers. (p. 44)
I needed to read this today.
The wolf cannot get to the sheep without the permission of the Shepherd, and the Shepherd will only permit the attack if, in the long term, the pain is worth the gain. (p.44)
Luke 22:31-32 (NASB95)
“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail;
and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”
The purpose of this test is to provide a testimony for the church. Jesus was allowing [Simon]Peter to experience a trial so he could encourage his brothers. Perhaps God is doing the same with you. God knows that the church needs living testimonies of his power. Your difficulty, your disease, your conflict are preparing you to be a voice of encouragement to your brothers. (p. 44)
1 Corinthians 10:13 (NASB95)
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man;
and God is faithful,
who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able,
but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also,
so that you will be able to endure it.
I needed to read this today.
5.28.2009
God Does Things Like That
Yesterday afternoon my mother-in-law called me at work in a panic. Her twin sister is failing, and the nursing home where she is in rehabilitation care had called to say my mother-in-law might want to come. I'm not sure of the initial diagnosis, but our 76 year old aunt has deteriorated since her hospitalization in November. She has moved from hospital to rehab and back a few times, and is unlikely to make it back home. She and my mother in law have severe asthma, and our aunt now appears to have pneumonia for the third time this year. She has MRSA, and no pancreas - lost that over 5 years ago when it filled with tumors, and honestly, I don't know what else she all has. Many battles. The loss of a pancreas makes her a brittle diabetic which complicates everything.
I took my mother-in-law to the nursing home. It's not the type of place I planned to be just one month after my dad's funeral. Our cousins were huddled discussing options and making phonecalls to other siblings. It was a bit too familiar. It's time to make the call of moving her back to a hospital setting for treatment or leaving her in palliative comfort care. Our aunt is not fully cognizant, the infection and the medications taking over her normally lucid mind. My mother-in-law sat at the end of the bed and tried to make conversation with her beloved sister. Our cousins sought my advice. It seemed too soon to discuss my weeks in intensive care and to recall all the difficult decisions. And yet my recent path made me a resource in their time of grief.
Today I bought a book for a sister in Christ who wrote to tell me she is struggling. I went to the Christian bookstore to pick up our new Bible study guide, and on the $5 deal table was Max Lucado's small book entitled, For the Tough Times: Reaching Toward Heaven for Hope.
Just now I was previewing it, and I came upon an interesting quote: "Or consider Moses, watching flocks in the wilderness. Is this what he intended to do with his life? His heart beats with Jewish blood. His passion is to lead the slaves, so why does God have him leading sheep?...Who would have thought that God was giving Moses forty years of wilderness training in the very desert through which he would lead the people?...God does things like that."
I thought I bought this book for a sister, but God is already speaking to me through it. God does things like that.
God has taken me through an 8.5 year desert journey with my parents - an experience that gives me the empathy and understanding to walk beside others on their similar paths. God does things like that.
I can't tell you the number of times I have been able to open the doors of opportunity at work because I could talk intelligently with senior living administrators about housing options, and tell them of my experience in trying to find the right housing options for my parents. I moved them half a dozen times in 2 years as they travelled rapidly through the stages of care, and now I work for an architecture firm that designs Senior Living spaces. God does things like that.
I'm in a significant desert still, with no oasis in sight. But God is still on His throne. I am not forgotten. This wilderness has a purpose too. I need to keep reminding myself.
Just yesterday I wrote in my journal: "If I was not experiencing xxx, I may not have pursued God as I have." Would I trade the path that has brought me to this place of intimacy with God? That is a very hard question. I'd like to think that I'm deep enough to wildly pursue God even in blessing, but I'm not sure... Are there any effective people of faith who have gotten there through a life of ease?
"His [David the psalmist's] point is unmistakable: God is unaltered by our storms. He is undeterred by our problems. He is unfrightened by these problems. He is in his holy temple. He is on his throne in heaven.
"Buildings may fall, careers may crumble, but God does not. Wreckage and rubble have have never discouraged him. God has always turned tragedy into triumph." -Max Lucado
I took my mother-in-law to the nursing home. It's not the type of place I planned to be just one month after my dad's funeral. Our cousins were huddled discussing options and making phonecalls to other siblings. It was a bit too familiar. It's time to make the call of moving her back to a hospital setting for treatment or leaving her in palliative comfort care. Our aunt is not fully cognizant, the infection and the medications taking over her normally lucid mind. My mother-in-law sat at the end of the bed and tried to make conversation with her beloved sister. Our cousins sought my advice. It seemed too soon to discuss my weeks in intensive care and to recall all the difficult decisions. And yet my recent path made me a resource in their time of grief.
Today I bought a book for a sister in Christ who wrote to tell me she is struggling. I went to the Christian bookstore to pick up our new Bible study guide, and on the $5 deal table was Max Lucado's small book entitled, For the Tough Times: Reaching Toward Heaven for Hope.
Just now I was previewing it, and I came upon an interesting quote: "Or consider Moses, watching flocks in the wilderness. Is this what he intended to do with his life? His heart beats with Jewish blood. His passion is to lead the slaves, so why does God have him leading sheep?...Who would have thought that God was giving Moses forty years of wilderness training in the very desert through which he would lead the people?...God does things like that."
I thought I bought this book for a sister, but God is already speaking to me through it. God does things like that.
God has taken me through an 8.5 year desert journey with my parents - an experience that gives me the empathy and understanding to walk beside others on their similar paths. God does things like that.
I can't tell you the number of times I have been able to open the doors of opportunity at work because I could talk intelligently with senior living administrators about housing options, and tell them of my experience in trying to find the right housing options for my parents. I moved them half a dozen times in 2 years as they travelled rapidly through the stages of care, and now I work for an architecture firm that designs Senior Living spaces. God does things like that.
I'm in a significant desert still, with no oasis in sight. But God is still on His throne. I am not forgotten. This wilderness has a purpose too. I need to keep reminding myself.
Just yesterday I wrote in my journal: "If I was not experiencing xxx, I may not have pursued God as I have." Would I trade the path that has brought me to this place of intimacy with God? That is a very hard question. I'd like to think that I'm deep enough to wildly pursue God even in blessing, but I'm not sure... Are there any effective people of faith who have gotten there through a life of ease?
Psalm 11:3-4
"When all that is good falls apart,
what can good people do?"
The LORD is in his holy temple;
the LORD sits on his throne in heaven.
"When all that is good falls apart,
what can good people do?"
The LORD is in his holy temple;
the LORD sits on his throne in heaven.
"His [David the psalmist's] point is unmistakable: God is unaltered by our storms. He is undeterred by our problems. He is unfrightened by these problems. He is in his holy temple. He is on his throne in heaven.
"Buildings may fall, careers may crumble, but God does not. Wreckage and rubble have have never discouraged him. God has always turned tragedy into triumph." -Max Lucado
5.27.2009
Trend Setter
From The Wa*ll Street Journal:
The roller-coaster stock market and plunging housing prices have left many consumers afraid. In response, marketers are adopting a softer approach to peddling their wares, playing up comforting images in their ads and focusing on family and the warmth and safety of home.
Some marketers are even reviving old advertising to remind consumers of happier times.
On Monday, Pillsbury, a unit of General Mills, launched a brand campaign about the pleasures of staying in. Dubbed "Home Is Calling," the campaign includes television, print, online and other ads. They feature a variety of characters -- a businessman, a young boy in a library and a woman at a train station -- who click their heels, envisioning a way to get home and eat with their friends and loved ones.
"The economy is so frightening," says Juliana Chugg, president of Pillsbury. "This campaign is an opportunity for us to represent hope in a time when people are feeling scared. To be able to connect home and values like safety, security, warmth and love at home really resonates."
Amid wide-spread economic woes, marketers are ratcheting up images of family and the warmth and safety of home.
I watch trends in the marketing part of my job. This new focus on HOME is a bit ironic. Give the nation everything it's ever wanted and more, then turn the economy upside down, and now sell with a focus on home. Home IS where the heart is - always has been. Perhaps we're catching up with ourselves.
Now to find an article on the trend of turning to God...
The roller-coaster stock market and plunging housing prices have left many consumers afraid. In response, marketers are adopting a softer approach to peddling their wares, playing up comforting images in their ads and focusing on family and the warmth and safety of home.
Some marketers are even reviving old advertising to remind consumers of happier times.
On Monday, Pillsbury, a unit of General Mills, launched a brand campaign about the pleasures of staying in. Dubbed "Home Is Calling," the campaign includes television, print, online and other ads. They feature a variety of characters -- a businessman, a young boy in a library and a woman at a train station -- who click their heels, envisioning a way to get home and eat with their friends and loved ones.
"The economy is so frightening," says Juliana Chugg, president of Pillsbury. "This campaign is an opportunity for us to represent hope in a time when people are feeling scared. To be able to connect home and values like safety, security, warmth and love at home really resonates."
Amid wide-spread economic woes, marketers are ratcheting up images of family and the warmth and safety of home.
I watch trends in the marketing part of my job. This new focus on HOME is a bit ironic. Give the nation everything it's ever wanted and more, then turn the economy upside down, and now sell with a focus on home. Home IS where the heart is - always has been. Perhaps we're catching up with ourselves.
Now to find an article on the trend of turning to God...
5.23.2009
Sweet Spot
I love the term "sweet spot." I remember it first from tennis - how the ball sailed just perfectly if you hit it on the sweet spot of the racket. I read it in terms of life a couple years ago in the book, Cure for the Common Life: Living in Your Sweet Spot by Max Lucado. He talked about finding the sweet spot where God meant for us to live. I love it.
Today was a sweet spot day. Great time in the Word this morning, reading Hosea for my new class. Came upon this phrase in the New Living Translation:
That verse really REALLY lifted my spirits. Bye bye emotional storm clouds. My Valley of Trouble will be transformed into a gateway of hope. God loves me THAT much, and He is THAT capable and THAT reliable. I am waiting and soon I will see.
Anyhow, after transferring that and other verses onto index cards and scrap booking them a bit (more on that later) I went into my day with a much needed attitude adjustment.
The rest of the day was spent digging dirt and compost into the garden, planting beauty into our front entry way, dealing with the yard of mulch and half yard of stone delivered at noon, and generally enjoying the outdoors and some physical labor. That is a VERY sweet spot. Don't you just feel better stretching and sweating and really and truly working your body? Mine gets so soft and flabby in the winter. And yes, right now my 46 year old muscles ACHE and my bones are creaking, but you know what? My body feels alive.
The front courtyard was my focus today, and if I do say so myself, it's looking spectacular. This is our second spring here, and it is so gratifying to see the perennials thriving. Last year I planted a smallish bleeding heart, and this year it is GINORMOUS. I'll take photos tomorrow. The secret is the very *fragrant* (smelly) compost that we bring home free from the dump. The yardwaste we bring in is transformed into dirty gold - it is PRICELESS to the garden when dug in each spring.
After about 6 hours of non stop physical labor I re-showered, and sweet Sue arrived for grilled burgers and margaritas. Let the summer roll. After she left I got into my jammies (a definite sweet spot) and wrote a long overdue email. A sister needed encouragement and I wrote to her of how God ministers to me when I'm in the dumps. And now, here I am...writing again.
My life has some really big challenges. And I'm figuring out that I have to fight the emotional train wrecks that my mother fought. Thankfully I have my father's base personality and emotions, but I have a monstrous dose of female hormones added to that as well as my mother's propensity for the blues. It's a constant battle for me.
And so...my sweet spot. Time in the garden sweating and creating beauty. And marveling, after two years here, that God gave us this home. Some of you may think I'm bragging, but I'm not. I'm marveling. I longed for a different home for years and years and years, and thought it would never happen. But in God's PERFECT timing my husband relented and at THAT time this house went on the market. Any earlier and we wouldn't be HERE...in the home God had planned just for us. (my husband totally agrees that it is right for us -we're within a one minute walk of his parents which is SO handy for them) It's a rather modest ranch home, especially by today's standards, and yet every nook and cranny screams "grace." The yard, the woods, the birds, the opportunity for sweat and toil, and the beauty all around - it just feeds me, comforts me, and draws me back into the blessings of life from the funks that seem ever present.
And so, I am in my sweet spot. Sweet spots come and go...but...when you find one, it's time to CELEBRATE it, and MAXIMIZE its potential for good in your life! And of course, attribute it to the ONE who can take our valleys of trouble and turn them into gateways of hope. YEAH GOD.
Good night. Now it's time for Sweet (spot) Dreams.
Today was a sweet spot day. Great time in the Word this morning, reading Hosea for my new class. Came upon this phrase in the New Living Translation:
I will return her vineyards to her and transform
the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
Hosea 2:14 NLT
That verse really REALLY lifted my spirits. Bye bye emotional storm clouds. My Valley of Trouble will be transformed into a gateway of hope. God loves me THAT much, and He is THAT capable and THAT reliable. I am waiting and soon I will see.
Anyhow, after transferring that and other verses onto index cards and scrap booking them a bit (more on that later) I went into my day with a much needed attitude adjustment.
The rest of the day was spent digging dirt and compost into the garden, planting beauty into our front entry way, dealing with the yard of mulch and half yard of stone delivered at noon, and generally enjoying the outdoors and some physical labor. That is a VERY sweet spot. Don't you just feel better stretching and sweating and really and truly working your body? Mine gets so soft and flabby in the winter. And yes, right now my 46 year old muscles ACHE and my bones are creaking, but you know what? My body feels alive.
The front courtyard was my focus today, and if I do say so myself, it's looking spectacular. This is our second spring here, and it is so gratifying to see the perennials thriving. Last year I planted a smallish bleeding heart, and this year it is GINORMOUS. I'll take photos tomorrow. The secret is the very *fragrant* (smelly) compost that we bring home free from the dump. The yardwaste we bring in is transformed into dirty gold - it is PRICELESS to the garden when dug in each spring.
After about 6 hours of non stop physical labor I re-showered, and sweet Sue arrived for grilled burgers and margaritas. Let the summer roll. After she left I got into my jammies (a definite sweet spot) and wrote a long overdue email. A sister needed encouragement and I wrote to her of how God ministers to me when I'm in the dumps. And now, here I am...writing again.
My life has some really big challenges. And I'm figuring out that I have to fight the emotional train wrecks that my mother fought. Thankfully I have my father's base personality and emotions, but I have a monstrous dose of female hormones added to that as well as my mother's propensity for the blues. It's a constant battle for me.
And so...my sweet spot. Time in the garden sweating and creating beauty. And marveling, after two years here, that God gave us this home. Some of you may think I'm bragging, but I'm not. I'm marveling. I longed for a different home for years and years and years, and thought it would never happen. But in God's PERFECT timing my husband relented and at THAT time this house went on the market. Any earlier and we wouldn't be HERE...in the home God had planned just for us. (my husband totally agrees that it is right for us -we're within a one minute walk of his parents which is SO handy for them) It's a rather modest ranch home, especially by today's standards, and yet every nook and cranny screams "grace." The yard, the woods, the birds, the opportunity for sweat and toil, and the beauty all around - it just feeds me, comforts me, and draws me back into the blessings of life from the funks that seem ever present.
And so, I am in my sweet spot. Sweet spots come and go...but...when you find one, it's time to CELEBRATE it, and MAXIMIZE its potential for good in your life! And of course, attribute it to the ONE who can take our valleys of trouble and turn them into gateways of hope. YEAH GOD.
Good night. Now it's time for Sweet (spot) Dreams.
5.19.2009
Spring Surprise
This tiny fawn was in the back of the yard on Saturday. If I had wanted to I could have picked her up - she (he?) was simply too pooped to care.
Our neighbor assured me that the mom would be back. He has seen it before - the mom beds down the fawn in the long grass between the yard and the woods and then trots off for coffee clutch. He thinks that she assumes the fawn is safer from predators in the open than in the woods.
Isn't she adorable?
.JPG)
Our neighbor assured me that the mom would be back. He has seen it before - the mom beds down the fawn in the long grass between the yard and the woods and then trots off for coffee clutch. He thinks that she assumes the fawn is safer from predators in the open than in the woods.
Isn't she adorable?
.JPG)
5.14.2009
On the road again...
Today was spent in the car. To Big Bend to pick up Emily's friend, then took the two of them to Rhinelander to Crescent Lake Bible Camp where they will work for the summer. I'm so excited for her. I'm praying for GREAT growth - making her faith her own, and spending time with HIM.
Then to Marshfield for work, and then home. About 9 hours of driving. Lots of great music and some good meaty teaching from Chip Ingram and Joyce Meyer.
A good day, except I usually have a *catch up* call with my dad on my long trips...I missed that today.
Good night!
Then to Marshfield for work, and then home. About 9 hours of driving. Lots of great music and some good meaty teaching from Chip Ingram and Joyce Meyer.
A good day, except I usually have a *catch up* call with my dad on my long trips...I missed that today.
Good night!
5.11.2009
Purpose Driven Connection
On Saturday I spent a good portion of the afternoon at Borders bookstore. I love to browse and wander and spend time skimming magazines and books rather than or before buying them. It was wonderful.
I picked up Rick Warren's new magazine, Purpose Driven Connection. It was on an end rack which is SO COOL - a Christian highlighted at Borders.
Now I know that there is a segment of the church that doesn't think Rick Warren teaches deep enough, and does not emphasize the cross enough. That's a good discussion...for another day. Stick with me here.
The magazine is $9.95. Not cheap. But inside is a DVD with a 6 part small group study! And a study guide. Quite intriguing. This is just a PART of this thick glossy publication - a first rate quality magazine.
This morning I am listening to the DVD series, session one. It is a joint effort of Rick Warren and Chuck Colson on "Framing Your Worldview."
It is superb.
I'm not an easy sell. I love love love the Word of God, and am quick to defend it. And so does Rick, and so does Chuck. I have listened to the first two segments of session one and there is not ONE word I take issue with. Not one.
One summary statement is: (from the study guide) Worldviews contradict each other and can't all be true; only the biblical worldview gives us a complete and true picture of the world as it really is.
They discuss compartmentalization - putting our religion in one compartment, our work in another, how we treat our body in another, how we handle money in another...all kinds of categories. But the goal is INTEGRITY which is based on the word INTEGER which means one and wholeness. I am ONE person. I can only live according to ONE world view, and when I accept everything (syncretism) I negate everything because different world views are in conflict with one another. I become fragmented, and that is not a firm foundation.
Chuck especially speaks to how the church needs to THINK more rather than rely on feelings. A quote from Chuck: "The most important thing we can do is ground ourselves in this.[holding up a Bible]"
WOO HOO. Push the Word. AMEN. Do it with technical excellence in a format that will appeal to the younger generation. AMEN. And then sell it through a secular venue...right there next to O Magazine and Newsweek. FABULOUS.
Christians, we need to FULLY SUPPORT the Bible being taught in the mainstream media. The church's worst enemy is the church - we shoot each other down ALL THE TIME. Before you criticize Rick Warren for being...Rick Warren...and thereby disqualify the new magazine, please read it. Let's USE OUR MINDS as Chuck Colson so challenges us, and let's OPEN UP to the Holy Spirit using new media and fresh faces and new ways to engage this POST CHRISTIAN world in which we live.
I would LOVE and WELCOME your comments as to what you disagree with in this magazine. My brain is in full gear. It is written by humans, so likely there will be some errors in judgment. But it points to the WORD. A respectful discussion is always a good thing - one where we don't label people, but rather use quotations as discussion starters. No person is perfect, and there are no writings on which to hang our hats except those authored by God. But God uses people, flawed though we are, to communicate to the world. Is it not obvious that Rick Warren is being used? He cannot be an instrument of anti Christ AND accuratey quoting Scripture and pointing people to it...that is NOT possible. He doesn't manipulate the Word, he urges people to study it for themselves.
I'm challenging you all: Get the magazine. Just try it. Watch the DVD series even if you don't have to agree with every emphasis. Of course we MUST stand up to heresy...but we shouldn't be assuming it, should we?
I am really conservative. But I'm growing to understand that God uses new ways to reach new generations, and that the biggest opposition to His work, historically, has been the established church. I so don't want to become dogmatic about form. It's ALL ABOUT the BIBLE, and pointing people to it.
Amen? Amen!
I picked up Rick Warren's new magazine, Purpose Driven Connection. It was on an end rack which is SO COOL - a Christian highlighted at Borders.
Now I know that there is a segment of the church that doesn't think Rick Warren teaches deep enough, and does not emphasize the cross enough. That's a good discussion...for another day. Stick with me here.
The magazine is $9.95. Not cheap. But inside is a DVD with a 6 part small group study! And a study guide. Quite intriguing. This is just a PART of this thick glossy publication - a first rate quality magazine.
This morning I am listening to the DVD series, session one. It is a joint effort of Rick Warren and Chuck Colson on "Framing Your Worldview."
It is superb.
I'm not an easy sell. I love love love the Word of God, and am quick to defend it. And so does Rick, and so does Chuck. I have listened to the first two segments of session one and there is not ONE word I take issue with. Not one.
One summary statement is: (from the study guide) Worldviews contradict each other and can't all be true; only the biblical worldview gives us a complete and true picture of the world as it really is.
They discuss compartmentalization - putting our religion in one compartment, our work in another, how we treat our body in another, how we handle money in another...all kinds of categories. But the goal is INTEGRITY which is based on the word INTEGER which means one and wholeness. I am ONE person. I can only live according to ONE world view, and when I accept everything (syncretism) I negate everything because different world views are in conflict with one another. I become fragmented, and that is not a firm foundation.
Chuck especially speaks to how the church needs to THINK more rather than rely on feelings. A quote from Chuck: "The most important thing we can do is ground ourselves in this.[holding up a Bible]"
WOO HOO. Push the Word. AMEN. Do it with technical excellence in a format that will appeal to the younger generation. AMEN. And then sell it through a secular venue...right there next to O Magazine and Newsweek. FABULOUS.
Christians, we need to FULLY SUPPORT the Bible being taught in the mainstream media. The church's worst enemy is the church - we shoot each other down ALL THE TIME. Before you criticize Rick Warren for being...Rick Warren...and thereby disqualify the new magazine, please read it. Let's USE OUR MINDS as Chuck Colson so challenges us, and let's OPEN UP to the Holy Spirit using new media and fresh faces and new ways to engage this POST CHRISTIAN world in which we live.
I would LOVE and WELCOME your comments as to what you disagree with in this magazine. My brain is in full gear. It is written by humans, so likely there will be some errors in judgment. But it points to the WORD. A respectful discussion is always a good thing - one where we don't label people, but rather use quotations as discussion starters. No person is perfect, and there are no writings on which to hang our hats except those authored by God. But God uses people, flawed though we are, to communicate to the world. Is it not obvious that Rick Warren is being used? He cannot be an instrument of anti Christ AND accuratey quoting Scripture and pointing people to it...that is NOT possible. He doesn't manipulate the Word, he urges people to study it for themselves.
I'm challenging you all: Get the magazine. Just try it. Watch the DVD series even if you don't have to agree with every emphasis. Of course we MUST stand up to heresy...but we shouldn't be assuming it, should we?
I am really conservative. But I'm growing to understand that God uses new ways to reach new generations, and that the biggest opposition to His work, historically, has been the established church. I so don't want to become dogmatic about form. It's ALL ABOUT the BIBLE, and pointing people to it.
Amen? Amen!
5.08.2009
Go Go Gokey
.JPG)
Yes...Emily and I went to see Danny Gokey on the lakefront in Milwaukee today - at the Summerfest grounds. We and thousands of others.
I only start watching Idol when it gets to the top 5 or 6. But then I'm hooked. And to have a hometown boy in it is very fun.
I didn't think he was the best contestant though. But today...well...today was amazing. Danny came out of his TV shell, and was ALL performer. He had a blast with the show.
If the link I've added does not take you to about a dozen video clips on FOX, then search them out. The one where he talked at his church today was AMAZING. He just kept crediting God.
Go Danny!
Friday
Since this is post number 3 in 20 minutes, you've likely surmised that I'm off today. In fact, a four day week end stretches before me. WOO HOO.
I'm in my spot. In the past few months this spot nestled away in our bedroom has become much more beautiful due to the replacement of our 25-plus-year-old covered loveseat with a de-luxe chocolate brown leather reclining loveseat and some new artwork. The lamp came from my dad's room, as did the blue down lap blanket. (sigh) You can see in the photo that my coffee is in place as is the art tote used to store my current quiet time materials, journal, Bible and colored pens.
Our 19 year old, Emily, came in and said it felt like summer in here. (the little noise machine has the sound of ocean waves and seagulls as I enjoy my morning ritual...covers the distractions of the house) Another time she said it felt like a spa - all in browns and bluish greens. The triple window to my left is a gift that cannot be put into words - watching the birds, the squirrels, and now the budding trees.
I won't bore you with the details of the amazing deal on the loveseat at HOBO and the artwork at TJMaxx. But I know that my Father honors the priority I give Him - both in how He fills me during this time each day and now in how He has provided such beauty and luxury in such a personal way.
Thank you Lord for the gift of this hiding place - a place for YOU and I to spend time together each early morning. It is a sheltered cove in my busy world.
One interesting comment (of many) that our New Testament professor had was that satan's plan is to get us to look more and more at ourselves and less and less at Christ and at the lost world. He used the example of facebook. It was set up as a social networking device, and in that capacity it has amazing potential for good in the kingdom. So satan is working on messing it up - by making us use it for self analysis more than for communication, relationship building or outreach.
Since he said that I've noticed the dozens of self tests...ie what fruit do you most resemble?
Interesting perspective, isn't it? Our enemy is so perverse...and knows us so well.
Since he said that I've noticed the dozens of self tests...ie what fruit do you most resemble?
Interesting perspective, isn't it? Our enemy is so perverse...and knows us so well.
Bible Notes
When in Iowa for my dad's burial, I borrowed my aunt June's Bible to look up Genesis 3 - I don't actually remember why I was looking up that passage. She has a Life Application Study Bible. Near that passage the study notes read:
Satan's Plan
Doubt: Makes you question God's word and His goodness.
Discouragement: Makes you look at your problems rather than at God.
Diversion: Makes the wrong things seem attractive so that you will want them more than the right things.
Defeat: Makes you feel like a failure so that you don't even try.
Delay: Makes you put off doing something so that it never gets done.
Wow. I can really see how satan has used these tactics in my life. It's so clear. Doesn't it just make you wanna fight back and tell him he's NOT going to deceive you any more?!
Satan's Plan
Doubt: Makes you question God's word and His goodness.
Discouragement: Makes you look at your problems rather than at God.
Diversion: Makes the wrong things seem attractive so that you will want them more than the right things.
Defeat: Makes you feel like a failure so that you don't even try.
Delay: Makes you put off doing something so that it never gets done.
Wow. I can really see how satan has used these tactics in my life. It's so clear. Doesn't it just make you wanna fight back and tell him he's NOT going to deceive you any more?!
4.28.2009
Back in the swing...
This morning, post airport, was just plain difficult. The first time alone, letting it all sink in. I *know* he was 83! I *know* he is in heaven! So...why is this so hard?
Forced myself to grocery shop with Emily. Oh - yes - she's back from Spain! As of Friday night. Talk about an emotional homecoming...
I sat alone and read sympathy cards...that was very good. I read the actual cards - so lovely! And the notes about what Gilbert had meant to people. Amazing!
Started to tidy up. Framed a few favorite photos. Then, amazingly, I made 6 phone calls to pension, health insurance...tough calls where I had to tell the news and do the financial stuff...
By then I was on a roll. Cleaned up the kitchen and made dinner. I still remember how! :)
I'm better. I've been emailing regarding work issues... I can almost imagine going back tomorrow!
Thank you for the prayers. Can't quite say I'm celebrating with him, but hey...I'm on the way.
Good night! -g
Forced myself to grocery shop with Emily. Oh - yes - she's back from Spain! As of Friday night. Talk about an emotional homecoming...
I sat alone and read sympathy cards...that was very good. I read the actual cards - so lovely! And the notes about what Gilbert had meant to people. Amazing!
Started to tidy up. Framed a few favorite photos. Then, amazingly, I made 6 phone calls to pension, health insurance...tough calls where I had to tell the news and do the financial stuff...
By then I was on a roll. Cleaned up the kitchen and made dinner. I still remember how! :)
I'm better. I've been emailing regarding work issues... I can almost imagine going back tomorrow!
Thank you for the prayers. Can't quite say I'm celebrating with him, but hey...I'm on the way.
Good night! -g
Back to our previously scheduled programming...
Sitting in my spot in the livingroom. Journal, Bible, coffee...but having a hard time concentrating. I'm a bit numb.
Three weeks ago this past Sunday my dad went into the hospital.
One week ago this past Sunday he died.
That next week was spent planning a funeral, cleaning out his room, cleaning out my house from two weeks of me being gone to the hospital and in anticipation of relatives arriving...
Saturday was the funeral.
Sunday we spent 7 hours in a rented van taking his body to his burial plot in Iowa.
Yesterday was the burial and the 7 hour return trip.
The last relative was just dropped at the airport.
I guess it's ok that I'm numb.
I'm wearing my dad's green cardigan, paging through his latest Bible. Grief has come in waves, but mostly I think I've been too busy to really mourn. It will likely come at odd times when I think to ask him something, or I drive by the nursing home.
He was so dependent, and his body failing, but in God's mercy He allowed my father to have his full mind right until the end. My brother took home the notes on dad's desk from the latest sermon he was preparing.
It's just odd to think that all that knowledge, and all that experience is just gone... and I know...he heavily invested his life in people, so it's not "gone," ...but still. He's gone.
My prayer warrior is gone. He prayed for our family continually.
And my biggest cheerleader is gone. I walked on water in the eyes of my daddy. He knew my faults but looked right past and through them. They were instantly forgotten. It was the closest thing to God's love that I've ever felt.
I think this is going to take a while. But that's ok. I was blessed beyond all reason with the dad that I had, and the legacy that he has left me is rich and full. I have stacks of hand written sermons, and dozens of audio tapes through which to remember him.
I moved my parents to Milwaukee 8.5 years ago. It's been an amazing journey. I'm a different person coming out on this end of it. And that's a very good thing. I definitely have a lot more wrinkles, and a lot more compassion.
I'm no longer a daughter. Hmmmm.
Three weeks ago this past Sunday my dad went into the hospital.
One week ago this past Sunday he died.
That next week was spent planning a funeral, cleaning out his room, cleaning out my house from two weeks of me being gone to the hospital and in anticipation of relatives arriving...
Saturday was the funeral.
Sunday we spent 7 hours in a rented van taking his body to his burial plot in Iowa.
Yesterday was the burial and the 7 hour return trip.
The last relative was just dropped at the airport.
I guess it's ok that I'm numb.
I'm wearing my dad's green cardigan, paging through his latest Bible. Grief has come in waves, but mostly I think I've been too busy to really mourn. It will likely come at odd times when I think to ask him something, or I drive by the nursing home.
He was so dependent, and his body failing, but in God's mercy He allowed my father to have his full mind right until the end. My brother took home the notes on dad's desk from the latest sermon he was preparing.
It's just odd to think that all that knowledge, and all that experience is just gone... and I know...he heavily invested his life in people, so it's not "gone," ...but still. He's gone.
My prayer warrior is gone. He prayed for our family continually.
And my biggest cheerleader is gone. I walked on water in the eyes of my daddy. He knew my faults but looked right past and through them. They were instantly forgotten. It was the closest thing to God's love that I've ever felt.
I think this is going to take a while. But that's ok. I was blessed beyond all reason with the dad that I had, and the legacy that he has left me is rich and full. I have stacks of hand written sermons, and dozens of audio tapes through which to remember him.
I moved my parents to Milwaukee 8.5 years ago. It's been an amazing journey. I'm a different person coming out on this end of it. And that's a very good thing. I definitely have a lot more wrinkles, and a lot more compassion.
I'm no longer a daughter. Hmmmm.
4.19.2009
Funeral
Gilbert's Funeral plan:
Saturday, April 25, 2009 2 pm
at Redeemer Evangelical Free Church
7735 W. Howard Avenue, Milwaukee
Visitation at the church from 12 noon to 2 pm.
Saturday, April 25, 2009 2 pm
at Redeemer Evangelical Free Church
7735 W. Howard Avenue, Milwaukee
Visitation at the church from 12 noon to 2 pm.
4.18.2009
Heaven
Gib flew to heaven on Sunday, April 19th at 3:19 am. God woke me minutes before so that I could be a part of the send off. He went so very peacefully. Thank you all for your prayers.
Sweetness
Our 13 year old son, Jacob Gilbert, decided that he did not want to come to Grandpa's deathbed. I was so fine with that. I assured him that Grandpa knew how much he loved him, and loved him back. I told him he had a special bond that he would carry his whole life: his middle name.
Once Frank and I got to the hospital, the night we transferred Gib to comfort care, Frank's cell rang. It was Jake. He had changed his mind. And so Frank went back to get him.
Once here, Jake did not really know what to do or say. None of us do, actually. My acoustic guitar is here, so I suggested that Jake play it softly. Jacob is mega talented on the electric guitar, like not just mom-brag talented, but really rocks the house. However, I encouraged him to play nice and soft and soothing for his grandpa.
He started in, and then he lit up. "Mom," he said, "I know just what to play!"
"What?" I asked.
"Stairway to Heaven."
Whew. How appropriate is that?
So Gib got a little Led Zeppelin thrown in for good measure…
Once Frank and I got to the hospital, the night we transferred Gib to comfort care, Frank's cell rang. It was Jake. He had changed his mind. And so Frank went back to get him.
Once here, Jake did not really know what to do or say. None of us do, actually. My acoustic guitar is here, so I suggested that Jake play it softly. Jacob is mega talented on the electric guitar, like not just mom-brag talented, but really rocks the house. However, I encouraged him to play nice and soft and soothing for his grandpa.
He started in, and then he lit up. "Mom," he said, "I know just what to play!"
"What?" I asked.
"Stairway to Heaven."
Whew. How appropriate is that?
So Gib got a little Led Zeppelin thrown in for good measure…
Lingering
If I had been able to script a deathbed experience, I would have wanted to read Scripture, tell my dad I love him, pass on others' greetings, sing hymns to him accompanied by my guitar, and hold his hand.
God gave us all of that yesterday.
A friend was here with me when I sang to him, and I looked at her with sheer wonder in my eyes as it became so apparent that he was singing along. There was no sound, but his mouth moved, and at times his arms and hands. When I stopped, he stopped. When I started, he started. It was powerful.
*We* sang It is Well with My Soul, Amazing Grace, and What a Friend We Have in Jesus.
I have my laptop here, including thousands of songs on I-tunes. I could find comfort in a lot of the contemporary praise songs right now, but it's all about Gib, so I searched for the word "hymn" and hit play. I'm not sure where all those songs came from, but we had hours of GREAT homegoing music. Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling, We're Marching to Zion, The Wonderful Grace of Jesus, and on and on and on. I was buoyed up, and content. He held my hand, and slipped into a totally restful state.
I read parts from Revelation - the parts about our awesome God and about heaven. I read John 14. I prayed with him, I cried with him (he didn't know...didn't want to make him sad) I talked to him...and a lot of the time we just listened to the hymns.
Then I broke my rule and played the whole Messiah. [I love it so much that I make myself save it for Thanksgiving through New Years] I told him that personally I thought it would be cool to exit during the Hallelujah Chorus, but he wasn't ready. Likely he did not want to ruin it for me for future listening. He's so thoughtful.
Another friend brought me dinner, and we laughed as we imagined me being here for weeks and months instead of hours. Gib is SUCH a fighter. I told the nurse this is my fourth time at his death bed. I'm not kidding. And this time I know it's THE time, but you know...I still can't quite grasp that.
At 9 pm, with my husband firmly planted at Gib's side, and a friend supervising the two of them (smile) I ran home for a much needed shower. I really thought he might fly Home while I was gone, and I told him that I was leaving for an hour. But he waited.
At 10:30 I just had to sleep. I'm so exhausted that I knew I needed real sleep and not recliner kinda sleep, so I kissed his hot forehead and went to my cot. I knew I could not monitor his breathing, but that I would know if he were in distress. I was just 5 feet away.
At 5 am I awoke to his steady breathing. So steady, in fact, that it sent me into new sobs. It's like he's just taking a good long nap. I have not seen pain and suffering for well over 24 hours. When he was leaving pain and suffering, I could deal with that. But now...now he is just so peaceful and it seems so sad that life is seeping from him. But I must remember the congestive heart failure, the gaping open 12 inch incision, the infected blood, the infected fistula through which he receives his life giving dialysis. There were SO many fights to fight, and now, instead of fighting, he is resting.
My brother, who is a surgeon and had the hardest time of any of us agreeing to comfort care (doctors are used to never giving up...) just wrote to me:
Dear Grace, Dad's peace is an answer to our prayers. You are witnessing what happens when someone is completely in God's hands. Love, Sam.
My favorite nurse just came on duty. That in itself gives me comfort. I am going to leave him in her expert care and make a dash to Starbucks. I've got some work ahead of me - ushering a dear saint to heaven.
Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His godly ones.
God gave us all of that yesterday.
A friend was here with me when I sang to him, and I looked at her with sheer wonder in my eyes as it became so apparent that he was singing along. There was no sound, but his mouth moved, and at times his arms and hands. When I stopped, he stopped. When I started, he started. It was powerful.
*We* sang It is Well with My Soul, Amazing Grace, and What a Friend We Have in Jesus.
I have my laptop here, including thousands of songs on I-tunes. I could find comfort in a lot of the contemporary praise songs right now, but it's all about Gib, so I searched for the word "hymn" and hit play. I'm not sure where all those songs came from, but we had hours of GREAT homegoing music. Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling, We're Marching to Zion, The Wonderful Grace of Jesus, and on and on and on. I was buoyed up, and content. He held my hand, and slipped into a totally restful state.
I read parts from Revelation - the parts about our awesome God and about heaven. I read John 14. I prayed with him, I cried with him (he didn't know...didn't want to make him sad) I talked to him...and a lot of the time we just listened to the hymns.
Then I broke my rule and played the whole Messiah. [I love it so much that I make myself save it for Thanksgiving through New Years] I told him that personally I thought it would be cool to exit during the Hallelujah Chorus, but he wasn't ready. Likely he did not want to ruin it for me for future listening. He's so thoughtful.
Another friend brought me dinner, and we laughed as we imagined me being here for weeks and months instead of hours. Gib is SUCH a fighter. I told the nurse this is my fourth time at his death bed. I'm not kidding. And this time I know it's THE time, but you know...I still can't quite grasp that.
At 9 pm, with my husband firmly planted at Gib's side, and a friend supervising the two of them (smile) I ran home for a much needed shower. I really thought he might fly Home while I was gone, and I told him that I was leaving for an hour. But he waited.
At 10:30 I just had to sleep. I'm so exhausted that I knew I needed real sleep and not recliner kinda sleep, so I kissed his hot forehead and went to my cot. I knew I could not monitor his breathing, but that I would know if he were in distress. I was just 5 feet away.
At 5 am I awoke to his steady breathing. So steady, in fact, that it sent me into new sobs. It's like he's just taking a good long nap. I have not seen pain and suffering for well over 24 hours. When he was leaving pain and suffering, I could deal with that. But now...now he is just so peaceful and it seems so sad that life is seeping from him. But I must remember the congestive heart failure, the gaping open 12 inch incision, the infected blood, the infected fistula through which he receives his life giving dialysis. There were SO many fights to fight, and now, instead of fighting, he is resting.
My brother, who is a surgeon and had the hardest time of any of us agreeing to comfort care (doctors are used to never giving up...) just wrote to me:
Dear Grace, Dad's peace is an answer to our prayers. You are witnessing what happens when someone is completely in God's hands. Love, Sam.
My favorite nurse just came on duty. That in itself gives me comfort. I am going to leave him in her expert care and make a dash to Starbucks. I've got some work ahead of me - ushering a dear saint to heaven.
Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His godly ones.
4.16.2009
Decisions
What a day.
We're finally out of the ICU...but into comfort care. As Power of Attorney, I had to make the hard calls today. A lot of discussions with doctors and with siblings. A lot of tears. Actually, I think the tears are just beginning.
I have watched my dad suffer so much over the last five years. And yet I've seen him enjoy life. He loves to laugh, loves to study the Word, loves to watch sports, loves a great grilled burger and a glass of red wine. He knew how to savor the good things and enjoy the moment.
But today the choices did not include too many good things. He is going into sepsis. The infections are ahead of the antibiotics. There were more antibiotics to try, but less and less chance of achieving a decent level of life. At what point do we say enough is enough with medical intervention? It's a really tough call. Believe me, I've come to know it too well. Even at 83 with congestive heart failure, kidney dialysis, diabetes, a gaping 12 inch open incision, and no cognitive responses, it's still heart rending. The what if.
Time to sleep. He's restless. I hope we can stay ahead of the pain.
I did what he asked me to do: say enough is enough at the right time. God set up a number of signs for me. I believe it was the right time.
Pray for us.
We're finally out of the ICU...but into comfort care. As Power of Attorney, I had to make the hard calls today. A lot of discussions with doctors and with siblings. A lot of tears. Actually, I think the tears are just beginning.
I have watched my dad suffer so much over the last five years. And yet I've seen him enjoy life. He loves to laugh, loves to study the Word, loves to watch sports, loves a great grilled burger and a glass of red wine. He knew how to savor the good things and enjoy the moment.
But today the choices did not include too many good things. He is going into sepsis. The infections are ahead of the antibiotics. There were more antibiotics to try, but less and less chance of achieving a decent level of life. At what point do we say enough is enough with medical intervention? It's a really tough call. Believe me, I've come to know it too well. Even at 83 with congestive heart failure, kidney dialysis, diabetes, a gaping 12 inch open incision, and no cognitive responses, it's still heart rending. The what if.
Time to sleep. He's restless. I hope we can stay ahead of the pain.
I did what he asked me to do: say enough is enough at the right time. God set up a number of signs for me. I believe it was the right time.
Pray for us.
4.15.2009
Death and Dying
Here I sit in the ICU. Day nine with my dear father, Gib. Nine days ago he had emergency bowel surgery to remove an obstruction and untwist a kink. They removed about 5 inches of bowel.
The first few days were disoriented and a bit combative. That is SO not him, but I have been at death's door with him before, and knew what to expect.
The next few days were calm, and my presence soothed him. Those are the hardest days, because when I left I felt so badly...that I was not there to calm his angst.
Then I started to notice him slip...mentally. The words came slow. I could see he was struggling to form them...I could see the frustration.
And the last couple days I've been trying to convince the nurses that something is amiss...he is just not here mentally...getting worse rather than better.
Today I got a call at work...the first...that he had spiked a fever, and needed a CT on his abdomen to look for a suspected abscess. I rushed to the hospital. He has been mostly resting comfortably and unable to know that I am here. Further questioning showed the gravity of the situation...an abscess would be fatal, as he cannot tolerate surgery. I've emailed the world, said my good byes, prayed with him, read him Psalms... During his CT I ran home and changed and got my books, planning to stay overnight.
The CT just came back. No abscess. And so we don't know what is causing the infection. And so...we wait.
I'm still going to stay overnight. I'm hoping to study. But I'm realizing how exhausting this is.
I'm okay with his living, I'm okay with his dieing, but this hovering in the unknown...that's tough stuff.
On to studying...I hope...Good night!
The first few days were disoriented and a bit combative. That is SO not him, but I have been at death's door with him before, and knew what to expect.
The next few days were calm, and my presence soothed him. Those are the hardest days, because when I left I felt so badly...that I was not there to calm his angst.
Then I started to notice him slip...mentally. The words came slow. I could see he was struggling to form them...I could see the frustration.
And the last couple days I've been trying to convince the nurses that something is amiss...he is just not here mentally...getting worse rather than better.
Today I got a call at work...the first...that he had spiked a fever, and needed a CT on his abdomen to look for a suspected abscess. I rushed to the hospital. He has been mostly resting comfortably and unable to know that I am here. Further questioning showed the gravity of the situation...an abscess would be fatal, as he cannot tolerate surgery. I've emailed the world, said my good byes, prayed with him, read him Psalms... During his CT I ran home and changed and got my books, planning to stay overnight.
The CT just came back. No abscess. And so we don't know what is causing the infection. And so...we wait.
I'm still going to stay overnight. I'm hoping to study. But I'm realizing how exhausting this is.
I'm okay with his living, I'm okay with his dieing, but this hovering in the unknown...that's tough stuff.
On to studying...I hope...Good night!
4.13.2009
The Sacred Romance
Following are quotes from the book The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge. I'm journaling on my laptop, so I had already typed them out there... thought I'd share a few here.
“Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within them.” AW Tozer.
"Starting very early, life has taught all of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything….We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life."
p.5
“Our original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all…rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.” – Frederick Buechner in Telling Secrets as quoted on page 5.
"Here, busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity, and functional relationships substitute for love. In the outer life we live from ‘ought’ (I ought to do this) rather than from ‘desire’ (I want to do this) and management substitutes for mystery." p.6
"Given the right plan, everything in life can be managed, except your heart." p.6
“Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within them.” AW Tozer.
"Starting very early, life has taught all of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything….We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life."
p.5
“Our original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all…rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.” – Frederick Buechner in Telling Secrets as quoted on page 5.
"Here, busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity, and functional relationships substitute for love. In the outer life we live from ‘ought’ (I ought to do this) rather than from ‘desire’ (I want to do this) and management substitutes for mystery." p.6
"Given the right plan, everything in life can be managed, except your heart." p.6
This and that
Once again there's only time for a "bullet point" post...just a glimpse at what is filling each day.
* My father has been in ICU for almost a week following bowel surgery. He is 83, in congestive heart failure, receives kidney dialysis 3 days a week and is a FIGHTER. While I know he is ready for heaven, he SO wants to stretch out his days here on earth. I've been at the hospital A LOT.
* Work has been very busy. My job is to find new work for the architects, so in an economy like this where there's never enough work, I must keep at it. Thankfully I love what I do.
* Emily has been in Africa and Portugal the past two weeks. I'll have to post a camel photo. Simply amazing.
* Joey was home for the Easter week end. Yes, I beat him in Scrabble. :) He and I are about even and we love to play. He's such a joy of a kid. We connect well.
* Easter Sunday was a blessing at church. I sang, our quintet sang, Shane had a great sermon, they showed an inspiring video of clips of the Jesus movie...it was an inspiring hour. Puts my trials in perspective.
* Today I've been mega journaling. I'm reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. Between it and the Beth Moore John study, I'm very introspective and in the mood to write. I long for hours upon hours to do just that.
* My final exam is a week from Thursday. Overwhelming, but plugging away... Need to keep reading and stop being so introspective! :)
* Today was a catch up day. Two boxes for Goodwill, laundry done, lots of reading and writing, puttering... but now I'm off to the hospital, along with Jake.
* Anna is on a spring break band trip. Cleveland, Washington DC, and New York City. Our kids really get around. Frank's traveling for work. Me and Jake are the only ones not leaving Wisconsin.
* That's life in a nutshell. Even in the midst of the chaos that a hospitalization causes, I take the time for a good cup of coffee, my journal and the Word each morning - no matter what. I know "this too will pass." And some day Gib will head to heaven, and I'll never regret the hours sitting at his bedside.
* Happy Monday, everyone. He is risen indeed!
* My father has been in ICU for almost a week following bowel surgery. He is 83, in congestive heart failure, receives kidney dialysis 3 days a week and is a FIGHTER. While I know he is ready for heaven, he SO wants to stretch out his days here on earth. I've been at the hospital A LOT.
* Work has been very busy. My job is to find new work for the architects, so in an economy like this where there's never enough work, I must keep at it. Thankfully I love what I do.
* Emily has been in Africa and Portugal the past two weeks. I'll have to post a camel photo. Simply amazing.
* Joey was home for the Easter week end. Yes, I beat him in Scrabble. :) He and I are about even and we love to play. He's such a joy of a kid. We connect well.
* Easter Sunday was a blessing at church. I sang, our quintet sang, Shane had a great sermon, they showed an inspiring video of clips of the Jesus movie...it was an inspiring hour. Puts my trials in perspective.
* Today I've been mega journaling. I'm reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. Between it and the Beth Moore John study, I'm very introspective and in the mood to write. I long for hours upon hours to do just that.
* My final exam is a week from Thursday. Overwhelming, but plugging away... Need to keep reading and stop being so introspective! :)
* Today was a catch up day. Two boxes for Goodwill, laundry done, lots of reading and writing, puttering... but now I'm off to the hospital, along with Jake.
* Anna is on a spring break band trip. Cleveland, Washington DC, and New York City. Our kids really get around. Frank's traveling for work. Me and Jake are the only ones not leaving Wisconsin.
* That's life in a nutshell. Even in the midst of the chaos that a hospitalization causes, I take the time for a good cup of coffee, my journal and the Word each morning - no matter what. I know "this too will pass." And some day Gib will head to heaven, and I'll never regret the hours sitting at his bedside.
* Happy Monday, everyone. He is risen indeed!
4.05.2009
The birds aren't that hungry after all...
We do have a lot of birds in our yard. And I'm likely the only one in the neighborhood who bakes their seed...but goodness...those feeders seem to need refilling a lot.
Well...last night...about midnight, I caught a trespassor. I was too sleepy and dumbfounded to get my camera this time. I stood right at the window and was a foot away from a huge doe who was sucking the seed right out of my feeder with her long tongue. Last time I saw her I was so amazed that I kept my distance and got a photo. This time I was just kinda mad. I tapped on the window, she looked at me and went back to chowing down. I opened the window and clapped, and then she took off in a flash - jumped the fence and was literally just *poof* gone.
Of course after she left I was wishing that I had taken a photo from so very close. Last time I took this one.
So, in the last week I've spied a very large raccoon eating up the spilled seeds, and a now a doe eating and spilling for that coon.
I need to find a discount bird seed distributor. Seems I'm feeding half the forest!
Well...last night...about midnight, I caught a trespassor. I was too sleepy and dumbfounded to get my camera this time. I stood right at the window and was a foot away from a huge doe who was sucking the seed right out of my feeder with her long tongue. Last time I saw her I was so amazed that I kept my distance and got a photo. This time I was just kinda mad. I tapped on the window, she looked at me and went back to chowing down. I opened the window and clapped, and then she took off in a flash - jumped the fence and was literally just *poof* gone.
Of course after she left I was wishing that I had taken a photo from so very close. Last time I took this one.
So, in the last week I've spied a very large raccoon eating up the spilled seeds, and a now a doe eating and spilling for that coon.
I need to find a discount bird seed distributor. Seems I'm feeding half the forest!
4.04.2009
Red at the bedroom window feeder...
.JPG)
Really, you need to appreciate that photo. You have no idea how many times I crawled (yes, literally) to my purse to get my camera only to have him fly away. Red is rather camera shy.
The little round heads in the foreground are a small horizontal grouping of sculpted birds that I have perched on the window sill.
I do love these feathered friends.
April
Hello!
Do I have any readers left? I'm sure you've logged in only to find...no update. So sorry. On the bright side, life has been so full that there's not time to write about it. :)
Let's see...
**I'm now 46. It doesn't feel much different.
**It's still winter here...I think we're expecting an ice storm tomorrow. (GOOD GRIEF)
**Work and school are keeping me busy most minutes. And the little things like cooking and cleaning and trying to say hello to the kids now and then. :)
**I'm at the laptop to write a paper. The homework this week is, "Why did the author of Hebrews quote Psalm 95 so many times? What concept do you think the author is trying to make clear in this reference? What nuance/perspective does Psalm 95 add?" (If you'd like to send me your answers, feel free!)
**My oldest brother is here for the week end. He and I went to my favorite coffee shop, by Lake Michigan, and had coffee and split a Java Milkshake. They grind coffee beans into vanilla ice cream. UNBELIEVABLE. I might be awake for a long time tonight though...
**Red and Ruby, my cardinal couple, are sighted daily from the bedroom window. I'll upload a photo I snuck of Red. Tonight I actually saw Red put a seed into Ruby's beak, and it looked like he gave her a kiss. I am *so* into these cardinals...a sign of aging, no?
**I just did my "neti pot" for the second time today. If you have no idea what that is, Google it. It is a drug free way of sinus cleansing and it works SO WELL. Yucky cold lingering on...
**Tonight I took some time to make some cards. Very simple, using ribbon and stickers and a calligraphy marker, but really felt good to do something a tiny bit creative.
**Bought some new KEEN sandals today. If you have no idea what those are, Google that too. In my estimation they are the world's most comfortable shoe.
**There. You're all up to date. Well, at least on the items on the TOP of my head.
I will try to be more consistent again. So sorry. I've missed you. -g
Do I have any readers left? I'm sure you've logged in only to find...no update. So sorry. On the bright side, life has been so full that there's not time to write about it. :)
Let's see...
**I'm now 46. It doesn't feel much different.
**It's still winter here...I think we're expecting an ice storm tomorrow. (GOOD GRIEF)
**Work and school are keeping me busy most minutes. And the little things like cooking and cleaning and trying to say hello to the kids now and then. :)
**I'm at the laptop to write a paper. The homework this week is, "Why did the author of Hebrews quote Psalm 95 so many times? What concept do you think the author is trying to make clear in this reference? What nuance/perspective does Psalm 95 add?" (If you'd like to send me your answers, feel free!)
**My oldest brother is here for the week end. He and I went to my favorite coffee shop, by Lake Michigan, and had coffee and split a Java Milkshake. They grind coffee beans into vanilla ice cream. UNBELIEVABLE. I might be awake for a long time tonight though...
**Red and Ruby, my cardinal couple, are sighted daily from the bedroom window. I'll upload a photo I snuck of Red. Tonight I actually saw Red put a seed into Ruby's beak, and it looked like he gave her a kiss. I am *so* into these cardinals...a sign of aging, no?
**I just did my "neti pot" for the second time today. If you have no idea what that is, Google it. It is a drug free way of sinus cleansing and it works SO WELL. Yucky cold lingering on...
**Tonight I took some time to make some cards. Very simple, using ribbon and stickers and a calligraphy marker, but really felt good to do something a tiny bit creative.
**Bought some new KEEN sandals today. If you have no idea what those are, Google that too. In my estimation they are the world's most comfortable shoe.
**There. You're all up to date. Well, at least on the items on the TOP of my head.
I will try to be more consistent again. So sorry. I've missed you. -g
3.23.2009
Emily en route to Ireland
Emily posted this photo on Facebook with the following caption:
haha! mom, the london airport knows how to take care of passengers like you :)
haha! mom, the london airport knows how to take care of passengers like you :)
King of Spring
As I nestled in with coffee, journal and Bible before work, I enjoyed the antics of many birds as they discovered the newly filled feeders. I heard the cardinal, and then spotted him in our maple tree, sitting there regally like the king of spring. This photo is shot through the bedroom window, VERY QUICKLY as he tends to be skittish, and turned out so well, even showing the various stages of buds in the maple tree. (Right click and make the photo screen sized if you can!)
The photo below was taken from my loveseat vantage point. Even on a grey day the view is breathtaking. It's amazing that I ever manage to emerge and go to work...
3.18.2009
Chairo Charis
Yes, I am still alive and kicking.
Life is full, and once in a while I get a bit quiet as I want to process quietly and keep the blog positive. :) My journal is overflowing! (that's where I process the yuck!) Plus, once in a while, I get tired of the computer...you know?
But this morning, as I was squeezing in a bit of reading before work, I came across an explanation of the general format of Paul's letters in the New Testament. And they generally start with a greeting - chairo in the Greek means 'greeting' - and that word is closely related to charis which is the Greek word for Grace. Thus, it is reasoned, "Grace and Peace to you" is often the greeting that Paul used.
In the Strong's lexicon, chairo (strongs number 5463 for those of you who care) is defined as:
1 to rejoice, be glad. 2 to rejoice exceedingly. 3 to be well, thrive. 4 in salutations, hail!. 5 at the beginning of letters: to give one greeting, salute.
I like that. Perhaps I need to rename the blog - Chairo Charis! (I have no idea if there is a Greek equivalent to 'from' as in Greetings from Grace)
On a COMPLETELY different note, I had to take my car in yesterday - to get them to turn off a service light. My company spoils me with an Acura RDX, and I thank God for it OFTEN as it has the most amazing stereo system. On my miles and miles of work miles I listen to so many good CD teaching lectures, and great praise music. [in fact, I wonder how people stay positive without that continual infusion of positive material - but that's yet another subject.] I was escorted to the waiting room, and decided to look at the new 2009's. The Acura TL, which was a close second in my choice of vehicle, has a new model in 2009. I sat in it and loved some of the upgrades. And I smiled as I looked at the stereo. It had a bunch of little logos surrounding it, (surround sound, DVD -audio, etc.) but there's a new one - "gracenotes." HA. Small "G" and everything. It's the little things in life that really tickle me.
Okay...back to work. Took a 15 minute break, but since I came in late I'll just work through.
And so - have a great Wednesday!
Life is full, and once in a while I get a bit quiet as I want to process quietly and keep the blog positive. :) My journal is overflowing! (that's where I process the yuck!) Plus, once in a while, I get tired of the computer...you know?
But this morning, as I was squeezing in a bit of reading before work, I came across an explanation of the general format of Paul's letters in the New Testament. And they generally start with a greeting - chairo in the Greek means 'greeting' - and that word is closely related to charis which is the Greek word for Grace. Thus, it is reasoned, "Grace and Peace to you" is often the greeting that Paul used.
In the Strong's lexicon, chairo (strongs number 5463 for those of you who care) is defined as:
1 to rejoice, be glad. 2 to rejoice exceedingly. 3 to be well, thrive. 4 in salutations, hail!. 5 at the beginning of letters: to give one greeting, salute.
I like that. Perhaps I need to rename the blog - Chairo Charis! (I have no idea if there is a Greek equivalent to 'from' as in Greetings from Grace)
On a COMPLETELY different note, I had to take my car in yesterday - to get them to turn off a service light. My company spoils me with an Acura RDX, and I thank God for it OFTEN as it has the most amazing stereo system. On my miles and miles of work miles I listen to so many good CD teaching lectures, and great praise music. [in fact, I wonder how people stay positive without that continual infusion of positive material - but that's yet another subject.] I was escorted to the waiting room, and decided to look at the new 2009's. The Acura TL, which was a close second in my choice of vehicle, has a new model in 2009. I sat in it and loved some of the upgrades. And I smiled as I looked at the stereo. It had a bunch of little logos surrounding it, (surround sound, DVD -audio, etc.) but there's a new one - "gracenotes." HA. Small "G" and everything. It's the little things in life that really tickle me.
Okay...back to work. Took a 15 minute break, but since I came in late I'll just work through.
And so - have a great Wednesday!
3.09.2009
One of those.
I'm loving this book. Our Saturday study is working through it at the pace of 5 days per week.Today, snugged under my quilt on my love seat, with the window open a crack just to hear the birds, and the sunlight streaming in the windows, I am working on Day 37 and 38. (I'm a bit behind and I have the luxury of a few hours with Him.)
Beth references what has become my life verse: John 10:10 "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." I am one of those people who want to squeeze everything out of every moment. I want it all. Read what Beth writes:
Do you realize that Christ wants you to have a great life? Don't confuse great with no challenges, hardships, or even suffering. In fact, the greatest parts of my life experience have been overcoming the overwhelming in the power of the Holy Spirit. [ emphasis mine] When we lay down these lives of ours, God wants us to be able to say we lived them fully. We didn't miss a thing He had for us. We had a blast with God. Just like John.
Jesus offered a lot of life; John took Him up on it. Jesus shed a lot of light; John chose to walk in it. Jesus revealed a lot of glory; John chose to behold it. Jesus delivered a lot of truth; John believed it. Jesus shed a lot of blood; John felt covered by it. Jesus lavished a lot of love; John received it. Jesus is full of everything we could ever need or desire. Thankfully, many receive, but others receive more abundantly. John was one of those.
Amen, amen, amen and amen. I want to be one of those. I'm not going to apologize for it ever again - I want the abundance. I long to get so close with Jesus that I can refer to myself as the disciple Jesus loved. Yup, I want to be one of those.
I've come to recognize that my God given exuberance can be taxing on some human relationships. God has had to teach me that not everyone lives at my pace and my energy level. But you know what is super cool? I'm never too much for God. I just love that. I can push the envelope with Him, and He is right there urging me on.
I am one of those.
The Secluded Place
Mark 6:30-32 (NASB95)30 The apostles gathered together with Jesus; and they reported to Him all that they had done and taught.
31 And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while.” (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.)
32 They went away in the boat to a secluded place by themselves.
I am seated in my secluded place: the love seat at the foot of our bed. I spent a bit of time here with Him earlier, but wanted to make a hot breakfast for the kids, knowing that He and I could tarry late morning. And here we are.
This is my sanity. He is my counselor.
What struck me in the passage above is the balance. They had been so busy with people that they didn't have time to eat. (that never seems to be my problem...) Jesus did not reprimand that - He simply called for them to compensate for it. They were spending themselves on the kingdom...and Jesus knew they needed time alone with Him to refuel.
We do too. Every single one of us. How is your balance today? Are you spending your energy fulfilling His call on your life? Are you taking time in a secluded place for your heart time with Him?
Just checking.
31 And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while.” (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.)
32 They went away in the boat to a secluded place by themselves.
I am seated in my secluded place: the love seat at the foot of our bed. I spent a bit of time here with Him earlier, but wanted to make a hot breakfast for the kids, knowing that He and I could tarry late morning. And here we are.
This is my sanity. He is my counselor.
What struck me in the passage above is the balance. They had been so busy with people that they didn't have time to eat. (that never seems to be my problem...) Jesus did not reprimand that - He simply called for them to compensate for it. They were spending themselves on the kingdom...and Jesus knew they needed time alone with Him to refuel.
We do too. Every single one of us. How is your balance today? Are you spending your energy fulfilling His call on your life? Are you taking time in a secluded place for your heart time with Him?
Just checking.
3.08.2009
The Garden of Grace
This week before class I went to the bookstore at Elmbrook Church, and this book caught my eye and ended up mine. I will admit: I like the title.
What a little gem. Evidently it is the third in a series, so I'll need to look for the others. Simply about quiet times with God, she tells of the rich sweet irreplaceable times available daily with our Savior. Delightful light read with plenty to ponder. Jill Briscoe has a lovely way of writing.
A few quotes that I underlined so far:
When I began, the little red book in my hand was just a little red book. But when I'd finished, the course of my life was set. The secret was mine. The words had become "God's Gold" to me. All that now remained was a lifetime of sitting on the Steps with Him and learning the art of true devotion. p. 12
These were all on one page: page 30:
Jesus didn't do ministry from a distance. He didn't send an angel to redeem the race. He came - IMMANUEL - God with us.
"Our God contracted in a span - incomprehensibly made man." -Charles Wesley.
"God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ." 2 Cor 5:19
"I just had to come," He said. And He came. Our ministry has to be the same. A ministry of presence.
Sunday
I'm relaxed for the first time in about a month. The two youngest and I watched Roman Holiday tonight, and I finally sat through a movie from start to finish. I even cut out quilt squares while we watched, though I have not sewn a stitch. Perhaps tomorrow. It's a simple table runner made out of decorator fabrics. When our Interior Designer at work gets new samples I get the old ones. I have enough for at least 100 table runners...so far.
Tomorrow I am home YET AGAIN, and it is such a treat. I used to always have four day week ends, until about a year and a half ago, and wow...this has made me miss them! But I will be satisfied with one thrown in every month or so.
The winter decor is all in the basement, although not stored away yet. The birdhouses appeared, and everything is dusted and rearranged and vacuumed - it felt so good to be nesting. No matter how much I love my job, I'd still rather be home. Rearranging decor and some furniture is an absolute delight to me - to make a room new. I keep wandering into the family room because I moved a few things and hung some photos - it is delightful. There is truly no place like home.
Nothing much to report. Just wanted to get the new spring blog look done, and say hello. I am enjoying Sabbath rest...
Good night!
Tomorrow I am home YET AGAIN, and it is such a treat. I used to always have four day week ends, until about a year and a half ago, and wow...this has made me miss them! But I will be satisfied with one thrown in every month or so.
The winter decor is all in the basement, although not stored away yet. The birdhouses appeared, and everything is dusted and rearranged and vacuumed - it felt so good to be nesting. No matter how much I love my job, I'd still rather be home. Rearranging decor and some furniture is an absolute delight to me - to make a room new. I keep wandering into the family room because I moved a few things and hung some photos - it is delightful. There is truly no place like home.
Nothing much to report. Just wanted to get the new spring blog look done, and say hello. I am enjoying Sabbath rest...
Good night!
3.06.2009
Spring
There. A new look for spring. And as I look out the window...it's snowing again. But no more snow on my blog...we're thinking spring.
The zinnia is from my garden last summer. I just LOVE how zinnias' petals start small and grow outward instead of unfurling. There is something so amazing about that to me. They stretch to the sun.
Think Spring!
The zinnia is from my garden last summer. I just LOVE how zinnias' petals start small and grow outward instead of unfurling. There is something so amazing about that to me. They stretch to the sun.
Think Spring!
Maranatha
Finished First Corinthians, which I see to be primarily a plea for unity among believers. Of course I found many sweet nuggets, and added a lot of index cards to my pile to ponder.
1 Corinthians 16:22 contains the word Maranatha, the only time this English version of this Greek word appears in the Bible. In the footnotes to my Bible (which carries no commentary, just useful translation helps) it says "O our Lord come!" What a great response to pretty much any troubling situation. We need the Lord to return in victory, or we need the Lord to show Himself in that particular moment in that particular situation. I love it! Let's all cry MARANATHA!
While seated there pondering Maranatha, this is what tumbled off my pen:
Maranatha is the answer
for every single question
Maranatha is the outcome I desire.
Maranatha - come Lord Jesus
whether to deliver
or to carry me across this current fire.
Maranatha please come quickly
Maranatha is my plea
I know You're here beside me
Make Your presence known to me.
Maranatha Lord my Savior
Deliver me from life or death
Whether coming as Earth's conqueror
or to guide me through this test.
Maranatha is the answer
to every fear I feel
Maranatha my dear Savior
to Your knowing Love I kneel.
1 Corinthians 16:22 contains the word Maranatha, the only time this English version of this Greek word appears in the Bible. In the footnotes to my Bible (which carries no commentary, just useful translation helps) it says "O our Lord come!" What a great response to pretty much any troubling situation. We need the Lord to return in victory, or we need the Lord to show Himself in that particular moment in that particular situation. I love it! Let's all cry MARANATHA!
While seated there pondering Maranatha, this is what tumbled off my pen:
Maranatha is the answer
for every single question
Maranatha is the outcome I desire.
Maranatha - come Lord Jesus
whether to deliver
or to carry me across this current fire.
Maranatha please come quickly
Maranatha is my plea
I know You're here beside me
Make Your presence known to me.
Maranatha Lord my Savior
Deliver me from life or death
Whether coming as Earth's conqueror
or to guide me through this test.
Maranatha is the answer
to every fear I feel
Maranatha my dear Savior
to Your knowing Love I kneel.
Week End!
Hallelujah...it's the week end. And I'm taking a long one - four days...almost. The almost is because I do have to do some work from home today, but I'm HOME. woo hoo!
Last night's class was so amazing, once again, and so I do plan to write up a couple reflections on a couple of different issues. One thing I love is that our professor, a PhD from Marquette University and a Pastor at Elmbrook Church, is SO in tuned to what is important. What is important to him is that this study of God's Word is life changing. His prayers at the beginning and end of each class are so humble and he continually stresses that drawing closer to God is the goal of the class - we are to be changed. It's not about "academics," although the class is academic and intense. I am just so pleasantly surprised by this tone, for the Bible says that knowledge puffs up. I just want to know God better. The yearning is growing.
I am so drawn to the Word right now - it IS changing my whole perspective - a true longing to dig deeper. And the small stuff of life is indeed less important most days.
We got our midterms back - I did well, although there's still room for improvement. Because I am me I want an A, but that may not be possible without quitting my job or my family, neither of which are feasible or preferred. : ) I'm teetering somewhere in the A- range at the moment, which is fabulous and he stated plainly that he is stingy with A's. He expects only a couple in our class of 50. Today's homework is to read 1 and 2 Corinthians (I STILL haven't read them) and somehow I'm not so enthused...so hopefully I'll get an attitude adjustment. I'm all excited about the shorter epistles...but...I will make myself go in order. :)
So, my coffee is brewed, my hot cream is frothed (those tiny hand held $2 gadgets are amazing) and the couch is calling. So is the house - which needs to welcome SPRING in decor and in cleaning. A long walk on this 50 degree day is in order, and I think it's time for a spring trip to Goodwill as well - to get rid of, not to add to, my stuff. There's something about spring that calls for clean surfaces and less clutter. WHEW. Hope my energy holds out. I will cook dinner for my family for the first time in a week too - unless you count Shake n Bake pork chops made at 10 pm for reheating... And the grocery - the cupboards are bare. Yes, I've been on overload - but now a four day week end at HOME. Woo hoo.
Enjoy your Friday. I'll be posting this week end, and hopefully changing the look of my blog. Time to welcome SPRING.
Last night's class was so amazing, once again, and so I do plan to write up a couple reflections on a couple of different issues. One thing I love is that our professor, a PhD from Marquette University and a Pastor at Elmbrook Church, is SO in tuned to what is important. What is important to him is that this study of God's Word is life changing. His prayers at the beginning and end of each class are so humble and he continually stresses that drawing closer to God is the goal of the class - we are to be changed. It's not about "academics," although the class is academic and intense. I am just so pleasantly surprised by this tone, for the Bible says that knowledge puffs up. I just want to know God better. The yearning is growing.
I am so drawn to the Word right now - it IS changing my whole perspective - a true longing to dig deeper. And the small stuff of life is indeed less important most days.
We got our midterms back - I did well, although there's still room for improvement. Because I am me I want an A, but that may not be possible without quitting my job or my family, neither of which are feasible or preferred. : ) I'm teetering somewhere in the A- range at the moment, which is fabulous and he stated plainly that he is stingy with A's. He expects only a couple in our class of 50. Today's homework is to read 1 and 2 Corinthians (I STILL haven't read them) and somehow I'm not so enthused...so hopefully I'll get an attitude adjustment. I'm all excited about the shorter epistles...but...I will make myself go in order. :)
So, my coffee is brewed, my hot cream is frothed (those tiny hand held $2 gadgets are amazing) and the couch is calling. So is the house - which needs to welcome SPRING in decor and in cleaning. A long walk on this 50 degree day is in order, and I think it's time for a spring trip to Goodwill as well - to get rid of, not to add to, my stuff. There's something about spring that calls for clean surfaces and less clutter. WHEW. Hope my energy holds out. I will cook dinner for my family for the first time in a week too - unless you count Shake n Bake pork chops made at 10 pm for reheating... And the grocery - the cupboards are bare. Yes, I've been on overload - but now a four day week end at HOME. Woo hoo.
Enjoy your Friday. I'll be posting this week end, and hopefully changing the look of my blog. Time to welcome SPRING.
3.02.2009
Taking Care
Hello from Algona Iowa! The AmericInn has wireless, so we're in business.
This blog is all about God's amazing care. I sometimes fear writing like this because I so do not want to sound super spiritual. But I am growing in Him, and it is quite something to watch from my perspective.
Yesterday I did not want to leave for Iowa until after church. Truly. Everything in me knew I needed to be there to just soak in the Word, give and receive a few hugs, and sing to my Lord (just as a part of the congregation.) Interesting to think on. A lot of people in my slippers would have thought they needed a morning home. I needed my church family. That's a part of me now - recognizing the necessity of the body of Christ.
My brother Sam is snowed in in Birmingham Alabama. Amazing since it so rarely snows there. And so since he could not fly to Milwaukee, I drove the seven hours alone again. By Sunday, that was sort of an appealing thought. On Friday I would have, and did, say NO WAY to the drive, but by Sunday I was okay with it. In fact, I have learned to relish these long drives alone.
On the way home from church I picked up two Starbucks lattes. One for the drive and one for Monday morning. We four had a nice lunch at a quick Chinese place, and I quickly packed. My assignment for class is to read Romans and 1 and 2 Corinthians, so the first 2 hours of my drive were spent listening to the book of Romans on CD. I replayed parts here and there, and do prefer reading with a pencil in my hand, but this was a great overview.
Stopped in Wisconsin Dells at the Coach outlet. Pearl, my car, pretty much veers there all on her own since I stop there whenever we pass through. A gas station is located nearby, and there is a nice (really nice) restroom in the outlet mall, and well...I do like those Coach purses and accessories. Creature comforts. I have a couple basic favorite purses now, so usually I shop for bargain (which is a very relative term in a Coach outlet) accessories. Anyhow, I enjoyed 30 minutes of walking and browsing. Grace refreshment.
Next I put on Joyce Meyers. Joyce preached at me for about 4 hours over four different CD's. The first two were on "Walking in Love," and the second two on "God Uses Cracked Pots." What an absolute delight. I'm not sure that I agree on every detail of theology with Joyce, but she herself admits to not being theological. Her calling is to teach the gospel in a practical way. And she does. I have the feeling she and I might be best friends. Or, we might drive each other right up a tree...we're both rather strong and opinionated, but we both adore Jesus and are simply attempting to allow Him to use our strength in a positive way. She inspires me because she is so real and honest about herself and her own weaknesses. I can relate.
[aside: When I grow up I want to be a combination of Kay Arthur, Beth Moore and Joyce Meyer. More than anything I would love to do what they do: travel and teach women the Word. And write. And study. Whew. Sign me up.
And do you know the amazing thing? Each of these three women have amazing testimonies of pain in their past. Kay of promiscuity and a failed and painful marriage, Beth and Joyce of childhood trauma and abuse. And how God is using them now! Gives me hope. The pain of my past and my present will be redeemed - it is molding me into a person He can use.]
Back to the trip... stopped again in Austin, Minnesota at WalMart. Bought index cards and a very fine tipped scrapbooking pen. Found the most delightful small photo albums, too. Also bought the Joyce Meyer Study Bible. She uses the Amplified Version, and I'm thinking this might be a great addition to my reading. The key words are amplified...about 4 or 5 synonyms are there in the text...the different options of what the Greek or Hebrew might mean. Anyhow, I saw it in hardcover at a discount and thought I'd give it a try. And Grape Propel, my beverage of choice. Have I ever blogged that before? I LOVE Grape Propel.
Another two hours and I was at my aunt's home. It was full to overflowing with their five combined sons, along with their wives and children. The viewing was over and they were eating and reminiscing. LOTS of hugs. LOTS. All are appreciative of my traveling there twice in two weeks, and of my singing. Family. Sigh. I rarely think of all this family I have out here in Iowa - cousins and the such. Blessed.
My uncle's second to last day was a good one. When his youngest son, Mark, had remarked that Herb was doing well, Herb's remark had been, (in his huge bass voice) "I am...I'm one day closer to Jesus." And when Mark said goodbye and he'd see him soon, Herb's last words to his youngest son were: "If not this week end, then on the other side." WOO HOO. THAT'S how to die in Christ. On Thursday, the day before he died, he was in deep pain, and heavily medicated. All they could hear was a murmer of "Thank you Jesus," and Herb singing hymns and reciting Scripture. He was not conscious at all that day, but they could hear whispers of his groanings.
Oh Lord may I die so bravely and in Your arms. Whew.
I snuck away from the reunion fairly quickly, anxious to get to the hotel. I upgraded my room to one with a whirlpool, figuring this small indulgence ($25) had been well earned this week. I set out all my books, and quickly filled the tub. What an absolute delight. Pictures show the waterfall like cascade of water from the faucet. The whole hotel is brand new - has that drywall and paint smell. The whirlpool is right in the bedroom, with a great overhead heat fan for white noise, and a dimmer light. I had brought a tiny scented candle. I sunk in, turned on the jets and finally just relaxed. God is so very good to me.
This blog is all about God's amazing care. I sometimes fear writing like this because I so do not want to sound super spiritual. But I am growing in Him, and it is quite something to watch from my perspective.
Yesterday I did not want to leave for Iowa until after church. Truly. Everything in me knew I needed to be there to just soak in the Word, give and receive a few hugs, and sing to my Lord (just as a part of the congregation.) Interesting to think on. A lot of people in my slippers would have thought they needed a morning home. I needed my church family. That's a part of me now - recognizing the necessity of the body of Christ.
My brother Sam is snowed in in Birmingham Alabama. Amazing since it so rarely snows there. And so since he could not fly to Milwaukee, I drove the seven hours alone again. By Sunday, that was sort of an appealing thought. On Friday I would have, and did, say NO WAY to the drive, but by Sunday I was okay with it. In fact, I have learned to relish these long drives alone.
On the way home from church I picked up two Starbucks lattes. One for the drive and one for Monday morning. We four had a nice lunch at a quick Chinese place, and I quickly packed. My assignment for class is to read Romans and 1 and 2 Corinthians, so the first 2 hours of my drive were spent listening to the book of Romans on CD. I replayed parts here and there, and do prefer reading with a pencil in my hand, but this was a great overview.
Stopped in Wisconsin Dells at the Coach outlet. Pearl, my car, pretty much veers there all on her own since I stop there whenever we pass through. A gas station is located nearby, and there is a nice (really nice) restroom in the outlet mall, and well...I do like those Coach purses and accessories. Creature comforts. I have a couple basic favorite purses now, so usually I shop for bargain (which is a very relative term in a Coach outlet) accessories. Anyhow, I enjoyed 30 minutes of walking and browsing. Grace refreshment.
Next I put on Joyce Meyers. Joyce preached at me for about 4 hours over four different CD's. The first two were on "Walking in Love," and the second two on "God Uses Cracked Pots." What an absolute delight. I'm not sure that I agree on every detail of theology with Joyce, but she herself admits to not being theological. Her calling is to teach the gospel in a practical way. And she does. I have the feeling she and I might be best friends. Or, we might drive each other right up a tree...we're both rather strong and opinionated, but we both adore Jesus and are simply attempting to allow Him to use our strength in a positive way. She inspires me because she is so real and honest about herself and her own weaknesses. I can relate.
[aside: When I grow up I want to be a combination of Kay Arthur, Beth Moore and Joyce Meyer. More than anything I would love to do what they do: travel and teach women the Word. And write. And study. Whew. Sign me up.
And do you know the amazing thing? Each of these three women have amazing testimonies of pain in their past. Kay of promiscuity and a failed and painful marriage, Beth and Joyce of childhood trauma and abuse. And how God is using them now! Gives me hope. The pain of my past and my present will be redeemed - it is molding me into a person He can use.]
Back to the trip... stopped again in Austin, Minnesota at WalMart. Bought index cards and a very fine tipped scrapbooking pen. Found the most delightful small photo albums, too. Also bought the Joyce Meyer Study Bible. She uses the Amplified Version, and I'm thinking this might be a great addition to my reading. The key words are amplified...about 4 or 5 synonyms are there in the text...the different options of what the Greek or Hebrew might mean. Anyhow, I saw it in hardcover at a discount and thought I'd give it a try. And Grape Propel, my beverage of choice. Have I ever blogged that before? I LOVE Grape Propel.
Another two hours and I was at my aunt's home. It was full to overflowing with their five combined sons, along with their wives and children. The viewing was over and they were eating and reminiscing. LOTS of hugs. LOTS. All are appreciative of my traveling there twice in two weeks, and of my singing. Family. Sigh. I rarely think of all this family I have out here in Iowa - cousins and the such. Blessed.
My uncle's second to last day was a good one. When his youngest son, Mark, had remarked that Herb was doing well, Herb's remark had been, (in his huge bass voice) "I am...I'm one day closer to Jesus." And when Mark said goodbye and he'd see him soon, Herb's last words to his youngest son were: "If not this week end, then on the other side." WOO HOO. THAT'S how to die in Christ. On Thursday, the day before he died, he was in deep pain, and heavily medicated. All they could hear was a murmer of "Thank you Jesus," and Herb singing hymns and reciting Scripture. He was not conscious at all that day, but they could hear whispers of his groanings.
Oh Lord may I die so bravely and in Your arms. Whew.
I snuck away from the reunion fairly quickly, anxious to get to the hotel. I upgraded my room to one with a whirlpool, figuring this small indulgence ($25) had been well earned this week. I set out all my books, and quickly filled the tub. What an absolute delight. Pictures show the waterfall like cascade of water from the faucet. The whole hotel is brand new - has that drywall and paint smell. The whirlpool is right in the bedroom, with a great overhead heat fan for white noise, and a dimmer light. I had brought a tiny scented candle. I sunk in, turned on the jets and finally just relaxed. God is so very good to me.
However...I wanted to read the Word, explore my new Bible and write out verse cards for Juniece, so my bath was just 30 minutes or so. Not so good at fully relaxing it seems.
Over the last months I have sent June many cards, and into them I put an index card with a handwritten Bible verse on it. (this is something I do all the time, and have zillions of verse cards of my own too...although I often give them away...) When I was in her home a couple weeks ago I saw them, only them, on her fridge. She and I had had one Bible discussion on prayer, and I had written more verse cards for her then. She was so appreciative, and gave me such sincere encouragement: She said to me, "You make it [the Word] come alive." Pure joy fills me at that thought.
And so the photos show her little album, into which I am putting verses of comfort and hope. The cover simply says "hope." The intent is that she can keep it with her in the painful days ahead and find comfort in His Word. Her best friend, her sister, died in November. Her second son of three died in January. And now her husband of 33 years (second marriage - both previously widowed) is in heaven. June has a lot of grieving ahead of her this spring.
And here I am. Unfortunately I awoke at 5:45 (sigh) but that allowed me some guitar time (very quietly!) and a long soak in that heavenly tub. As I sat in the whirling hot water this morning, sipping a hot (reheated) Starbucks latte by candlelight, I was overcome with the blessings that God has poured out in this difficult time.
I am weary, my head has a bit of post cold heaviness (hopefully not the start of another) and the day will once again be emotionally draining. But in the middle of this intense couple of weeks I've had 15 hours of pure rest and refreshment.
Joyce and 1 & 2 Corinthians will accompany me home this afternoon, so the seven hours ahead will be blessed.
He is sustaining me. I appreciate your prayers. God gives us all the strength we need to do exactly what He has planned for us. He cares for us so tenderly. Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
FBL website logo