Decisions

What a day.

We're finally out of the ICU...but into comfort care. As Power of Attorney, I had to make the hard calls today. A lot of discussions with doctors and with siblings. A lot of tears. Actually, I think the tears are just beginning.

I have watched my dad suffer so much over the last five years. And yet I've seen him enjoy life. He loves to laugh, loves to study the Word, loves to watch sports, loves a great grilled burger and a glass of red wine. He knew how to savor the good things and enjoy the moment.

But today the choices did not include too many good things. He is going into sepsis. The infections are ahead of the antibiotics. There were more antibiotics to try, but less and less chance of achieving a decent level of life. At what point do we say enough is enough with medical intervention? It's a really tough call. Believe me, I've come to know it too well. Even at 83 with congestive heart failure, kidney dialysis, diabetes, a gaping 12 inch open incision, and no cognitive responses, it's still heart rending. The what if.

Time to sleep. He's restless. I hope we can stay ahead of the pain.

I did what he asked me to do: say enough is enough at the right time. God set up a number of signs for me. I believe it was the right time.

Pray for us.

Death and Dying

Here I sit in the ICU. Day nine with my dear father, Gib. Nine days ago he had emergency bowel surgery to remove an obstruction and untwist a kink. They removed about 5 inches of bowel.
The first few days were disoriented and a bit combative. That is SO not him, but I have been at death's door with him before, and knew what to expect.
The next few days were calm, and my presence soothed him. Those are the hardest days, because when I left I felt so badly...that I was not there to calm his angst.
Then I started to notice him slip...mentally. The words came slow. I could see he was struggling to form them...I could see the frustration.
And the last couple days I've been trying to convince the nurses that something is amiss...he is just not here mentally...getting worse rather than better.

Today I got a call at work...the first...that he had spiked a fever, and needed a CT on his abdomen to look for a suspected abscess. I rushed to the hospital. He has been mostly resting comfortably and unable to know that I am here. Further questioning showed the gravity of the situation...an abscess would be fatal, as he cannot tolerate surgery. I've emailed the world, said my good byes, prayed with him, read him Psalms... During his CT I ran home and changed and got my books, planning to stay overnight.

The CT just came back. No abscess. And so we don't know what is causing the infection. And so...we wait.

I'm still going to stay overnight. I'm hoping to study. But I'm realizing how exhausting this is.

I'm okay with his living, I'm okay with his dieing, but this hovering in the unknown...that's tough stuff.

On to studying...I hope...Good night!

Good News

The CT yesterday showed an "atypical hemangioma" in my liver. In English, that is a clump of blood vessels. I will need to go back in 6 months for another scan to see if it is "stable," but otherwise there is nothing to worry about.

Thank you Lord.

CT Scan

Today I had an abdominal CT scan. I have no results yet.

This is what it looks like

First, fully gowned, they had me lay on the bed with pillows under my head and a wedge under my knees. It was very comfortable, and I was amazingly relaxed. (Thank you for the prayers!)Next they drew blood to check my kidney creatnine level. Thankfully it was well within normal range, so they could add the necessary "contrast" solution. Evidently the contrast is quite hard on the kidneys as they flush it from the system. In the same needle poke they inserted a small tube to use as an IV for the "contrast." Since I have terribly small veins, it took two pokes for the IV, but that is pretty good for me! (Needless to say I dread getting blood work...)

I layed on the bed, and eventually was asked to put my hands over my head. The bed moved back and forth, taking me in and out of the tube. A computerized voice told me when to breathe and when to hold my breath. Amazing.

One set of scans was taken without contrast. That took maybe 3 minutes total. The tech came and added the contrast through the IV in my arm, telling me I would feel warmth in my throat, and then throughout my abdomen. And wow - she was right on. I had no sooner said my throat felt warm than my groin was hot and everything else in between. The next set of scans was quickly taken, and minutes later I was sitting up and feeling normal. The flush of heat was over as fast as it came on.

And that was that. They are looking at the mass they found in my liver which was measured at 7 cm by 5cm by 3 cm. That's BIG! I've googled "liver mass" and read all kinds of options...I should know the results of my scan by tomorrow. Hopefully is it a hemangioma - a cluster of blood vessels. I'm pretty sure that would require no further action.

I do not know what the future holds, but I know Him who holds my future! I'm exhausted, but calm and ready for a good night's sleep.

The Silver Linings

I stayed in Wausau, WI last night, having driven up at 4 pm with my boss and a favorite coworker. Had a fancy schmancy meal, and was back in my hotel room by 10 pm to drift off to sleep in an amazing bed. The toiletries were Aveda, and the coffee bags for the four cup pot were Starbucks: those are both VERY good signs in a hotel.

At the restaurant I had to order carefully. Silver lining: I'm going to lose weight and feel better. Silver lining...I must remember that silver lining.

Why? Well, about 1.5 weeks ago I began to have some pretty serious stomach pain. Right under my rib cage on the left side. Four evenings in a row. The only relief was laying down. Sometimes the pain shot through to my back like a sword going right through me.

Off to the doctor I went. Blood work. Extensive ultrasounds.

My pancreas enzymes are slightly elevated. Although my pancreas and gallbladder look ok now, my symptoms most resemble pancreatitis. I've been told this is common in 40-something women. Perhaps I threw a gallstone. Don't know. But for now, no alcohol and no fatty food. Pancreatitis is nothing to play with, and my system needs to rest.

Hmmmm. Diabetes keeps me low carb. Now I'm low fat too. And no alcohol. Not even cough syrup. Yipes.

And so, a bit of the fun was stolen from the fancy restaurant as my choices were awfully limited. I chose hot mint decaf tea, and a pasta with chicken, broccoli and broiled tomatoes. Most of the dinner left my system before bed(SIGH) , and the tea woke me a few times as well. (I drank too much because I was feeling sorry for myself as my dinner companions had drinks and wine ...)

However, and this IS a silver lining, I felt good this morning. Less bloated. Cleaner. Clearer. Six to eight weeks of this will likely make a difference!

Another silver lining: they found an abnormality in my liver. Why would that be good? Well, if it's something about which to concern myself, it's amazing that they found it now, as it likely has nothing to do with my pain -- it just showed up by accident in the ultrasounds. Now there is a CT scheduled this week. The mass is likely a hemangioma - a benign clump of blood vessels. But in order to be sure they need the CAT scan.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, but trying to remember the silver linings. And I am taking more couch time than usual. Right now I'm nestled with a stack of books and a quilt...a bit of pain, but mostly just feeling the need to be still and to rest my body.

I left my current read in my boss' car. Sigh. I was wrapped in a blanket in his back seat all the way home, reading Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral by Kris Radish. I am LOVING it - a story about the deep friendship of women.

The silver lining of leaving it behind? I blogged instead of reading the evening away...