Father's Day

After Frank's aunt's funeral last Saturday we drove 4+ hours north to visit our 20 year old, Emily, at Crescent Lake Bible Camp. She had just finished her first week of campers, having had 11 nine and ten year olds in her cabin. She told us it was an amazing week, and she looked forward to a QUIET evening. All six of us were together, likely the only time this summer, and we did have a great overnight. Pizza out, and then cards and swimming at the hotel.

The next morning we readied for church and off we went. Emily introduced us to her camp friends, as this is the church where they all attend.

Everything was well until the offertory. The piano began a rendition of Faith of our Fathers, the old hymn, and I lost it. I was *almost* sobbing. It had not really occurred to me before then that it was Father's Day. That hymn flooded me with memories, especially of family reunions in Iowa where my dad and his three brothers would sing it.

Emily put her arm around me, moved closer and put her head on my shoulder. It was such a sweet and tender moment. The wave of grief passed quickly, and I dried my eyes and the service went on.

Our Emily Joy is truly an amazement to me. Of all our children, she was the one most difficult to relate to, although never giving us a problem. We just didn't connect. But now, well now she is a comfort and a source of immense satisfaction for me. She is a reward of motherhood.

Twins

On Saturday morning we attended the funeral of my husband's mom's identical twin. 77 years old.

It's hard to know how my mother-in-law feels, as I do not have an identical twin. Imagine the grief of losing someone who has shared in each step of your life since the moment of conception.

At the wake on Friday, I was reading the bouquet ribbons: Beloved Wife, Cherished Mother, Dearest Grandmother...and then the one that turned on my tears: My Twin written in gold on a light pink ribbon, attached to a huge bouquet of summer blooms.

Barbara and Mary talked on the phone every day. Each morning they would compare schedules, and each evening, late, they'd compare days. They'd each do the daily crossword in the paper and then compare answers. They never lived more than 5 miles apart. They had their babies in the same years. They had the same friends...lifetime friends since they grew up here in the Milwaukee area.

Barbara, my mother-in-law, was the last eulogy at the funeral. She traveled up to the podium slowly with her walker, and clearly and succinctly paid tribute to her best friend in the world. There was not a dry eye to be found.

Before closing the casket, before the funeral, she walked up to her sister's body and said, "Well Mary, I guess this is it..." and then broke down.

I simply can't imagine.

Is that helpful?

TravelSmith emails me regularly with their tempting array of travel worthy comfortable clothes.

This item, on a clearance flyer, made me laugh out loud.

Does anyone really think it would be helpful to have 39 pockets in a jacket? It would take me half an hour to find my keys...

Grieving

Time moves on.

Little things make me sad, and the tears seem to come a bit more often these days. Of course now I am grieving the loss of the family structure as well. Our home has been the hub...but...no more.

I have finally finished the finances, and finished the *many* thank you's from the funeral and memorials, and now it's just odd little stuff:

• His clothes need to go to Goodwill.
• The photo albums need to be put back away - about 40 of them came out for my siblings to look through - my mom was the premiere scrapbooker. I emptied the bookshelf in the family room, and put them there. They are still there.
• The display photos that I kept in a big tub titled "Funeral" for the 5 years since my mom's death - what do I do with them now?
• The *big* portrait of the two of them that hung in his room...I can't throw that out, can I?
• I keep getting the mail...mostly advertisements... and ministry updates...mailed to his name at my address. I painstakingly write "deceased" and return to sender. Amazing how hard it is to write that 8 letter word.
• The banking is done. I closed our joint account. I remember opening it 8.5 years ago...it was so amazing to think that I was the keeper of my parent's funds. It was overwhelming, although not so large a job in reality. 3 years in assisted living and 5 years in skilled nursing took care of every penny. Both of them felt at home right until the end - they were in lovely facilities. Thank God.

Time moves on. While the work of the last 6 weeks is winding down, the emotions seem to be winding up.

Grief is an interesting path.

Woman Reading in a Garden; a painting by Mary Cassatt in 1880

If it EVER WARMS UP IN WISCONSIN...this will be me...

Hit "Pause"

Have you ever watched a movie so intense you needed to pause the movie, walk to the kitchen and simply get a grip on reality and the fact that the movie is just a movie? This has happened to me. Sometimes I close my eyes and remind myself...this is not real.

This morning I needed to "pause" life: to pull back, shut my eyes, recite what I know is true, and to review the blessings of the life I have been given. Most mornings I need to do just that - come away and let God open my eyes to the eternal and to what is really important. Reorder me. Re prioritize my thoughts and level my emotions.

I'm reading at the end of Matthew 3, where John the Baptist is baptising Jesus.

Matthew 3:16 (NASB95)

After being baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water;

and behold, the heavens were opened,

and he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove and lighting on Him,

Many commentators think that the "he" should be "He"...that Jesus looked up and saw heaven. Beth Moore describes it as "...the Father opened up the sky like a window, and showed Christ the vision through it." Isn't that an amazing word picture? I'm imagining a double hung - a piece of sky that blends right in, and suddenly God lifts it up and heaven is behind it. Or a big zipper - God unzips it and the Glory behind the sky is revealed.

Hebrews 11 recounts the giants of the faith and reveals how they viewed themselves:

Hebrews 11:13

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises,

but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance,

and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.

Some days I feel more like a stranger and an exile than on other days. It's comforting to know that that IS the reality for a Christian - we should not feel too comfortable here, and we should expect to be misunderstood just as Christ was. THAT is reality.

And so, we need to remember to "pause" the movie of our life, the here and now, the temporary, and look up - look for the stabilizing reality that this is not our eternal destination. I love that God reminded His Son of the prize - gave Him a peek of heaven, a reminder, as Jesus began His earthly ministry. And I love that God affirmed His Son as recorded in John 3:17 "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."

Lord, may I be still enough for Your Spirit to land as a dove on my shoulder,
May I look to You often enough to see a glimpse of the prize as revealed in Your Word,
and may I hear you whisper,
for any tiny victory over sin and self that I might manage,
"Grace, my beloved, in that I am well pleased."

Once my vision is aligned with His, I can press PLAY again - knowing that whatever scenes might unfold in this crazy mixed up blessed life journey - they can be paused again at any time for a heart to heart with the Director. As long as He's for me, who can stand against me? (Romans 8:31)

God's Hands

Awoke with this picture in my mind. I don't draw a lot, but quickly sketched this in my journal as a visual reminder. I need to heave that bag of garbage and hurt right into God's willing and capable hands. It's too big for me to carry. Amen.

The Sound of Rushing Water

The sound of water is my favorite sound. When we were in Colorado last summer the mountains were magnificent, but it was the Colorado River and Clear Creek that drew me. And the waterfalls. That magnificent sound of rushing water.

The little noise machine by my bed, which I turn on when my husband stays up later than me or gets up earlier than me - the white noise - is the sound of waves hitting the shore. The magnificent sound of rushing water.

When I slept at the hospital with my dad when he was in intensive care, I needed white noise to overcome the continual hub bub of that department. Online I found white noise of ocean waves - it played in 3 hour increments. (I googled "white noise"...)

I've recently lamented to my husband, "I haven't heard the ocean since April of 2007..." We usually go to Florida for spring break, but it did not happen this year. The crashing waves soothe me.

Yesterday I found, in looking through old scrapbooks still laying about since the funeral, a poem my mother wrote about leaving the ocean when she moved from Vancouver, British Columbia to Madison, Wisconsin. I knew my love for words was inherited, but when I read that poem and imagined that grief...I felt a new bond.

This morning, taking extra time to snuggle in with my Savior, Beth Moore's study took me to Revelation 1 and this description of Jesus there:

Revelation 1:14-17 (NASB95)

14 His head and His hair were white like white wool, like snow; and His eyes were like a flame of fire.15 His feet were like burnished bronze, when it has been made to glow in a furnace, and His voice was like the sound of many waters.16 In His right hand He held seven stars, and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword; and His face was like the sun shining in its strength.17 When I saw Him, I fell at His feet like a dead man. And He placed His right hand on me, saying, “Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last,

Beth quoted," Your voice is like the sound of cascading waters,..." - love that choice of words. The New Living Translation states, "...and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves."

This God of ours is so amazing. John penned these words that God now used as a personal hug just for me today in this very moment. To think that the sound that most mesmerizes me on this whole incredible planet is the sound that describes His voice. Goosebumps.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. One of my siblings, in his grief, has turned on me and is coming quite undone. My heart aches. The family is unravelling.

But Jesus is here, and His voice is flowing right to the tender spots. He is always Enough.

Strengths Finder

Next week end I am taking a one credit class entitled, "Personal Assessment." The course description is "Receive assistance in personal assessment of character, leadership and learning styles, gifts, and ministry and relational skills as it relates to your vocational calling."

I can't wait! It involves writing a life line which makes up 70 percent of the grade. The description is, " Your Life Line assignment summarizes the providential work of God in your life using a process outlined in Life Line: An Exercise in Spiritual Biography. This process
explores your development up until the present. The assignment has a number of components that comprise the total Life Line assignment."

I think I'm going to love this. The class is only Friday night and all day Saturday, but then we have a month to write up all the parts of the life line.

Tonight I did another part of the class - an online StrengthFinder test. There were 170 (?) questions with continuums of answers and you had 20 seconds to mark your spot on the continuum. It took about 30 minutes. The website generates a report on your top five themes which you can then read about in the textbook.

My top five themes, in order, with the descriptors that pop out at me, are:

1. Strategic. The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. Trust your intuitive insights as often as possible. Even though you might not be able to explain them rationally, your intuitions are created by a brain that instinctively anticipates and projects. Have confidence in these perceptions.

2. Maximizer. Excellence, not average, is your measure. You don't want to spend your time bemoaning what you lack. Rather, you want to capitalize on the gifts with which you are blessed. It's more fun. It's more productive.

3. Belief. You have certain core values that are enduring. Belief theme causes you to be family oriented, altruistic, spiritual and to value responsibility and high ethics - in yourself and others. Core values give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige.

4. Responsibility. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done.

5. Activator. Guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done.

By the way, all 34 themes are positive. That's why it is called STRENGTH finder.

So, do you think the test has me pegged?

The Religious Right Didn't Kill George Tiller

This is an effective and succinct article from the Wall Street Journal about the *left's* accusations that all of us conservative Chr1stianz are responsible for this senseless murder. I really appreciate this article: The Religious Right Didn't Kill George Tiller.

Murder is senseless and wrong. Whether at 9 months gestation, 1 day gestation or at age 60. Murder is not ever a solution.

Pass the butter...

Um...

Regarding that previous post about the chives ...if you were going to stop by for a baked potato...you may want to hold off until after a hard rain...

Boomer thought the chives were a bush...

Sigh.