If I had been able to script a deathbed experience, I would have wanted to read Scripture, tell my dad I love him, pass on others' greetings, sing hymns to him accompanied by my guitar, and hold his hand.
God gave us all of that yesterday.
A friend was here with me when I sang to him, and I looked at her with sheer wonder in my eyes as it became so apparent that he was singing along. There was no sound, but his mouth moved, and at times his arms and hands. When I stopped, he stopped. When I started, he started. It was powerful.
*We* sang It is Well with My Soul, Amazing Grace, and What a Friend We Have in Jesus.
I have my laptop here, including thousands of songs on I-tunes. I could find comfort in a lot of the contemporary praise songs right now, but it's all about Gib, so I searched for the word "hymn" and hit play. I'm not sure where all those songs came from, but we had hours of GREAT homegoing music. Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling, We're Marching to Zion, The Wonderful Grace of Jesus, and on and on and on. I was buoyed up, and content. He held my hand, and slipped into a totally restful state.
I read parts from Revelation - the parts about our awesome God and about heaven. I read John 14. I prayed with him, I cried with him (he didn't know...didn't want to make him sad) I talked to him...and a lot of the time we just listened to the hymns.
Then I broke my rule and played the whole Messiah. [I love it so much that I make myself save it for Thanksgiving through New Years] I told him that personally I thought it would be cool to exit during the Hallelujah Chorus, but he wasn't ready. Likely he did not want to ruin it for me for future listening. He's so thoughtful.
Another friend brought me dinner, and we laughed as we imagined me being here for weeks and months instead of hours. Gib is SUCH a fighter. I told the nurse this is my fourth time at his death bed. I'm not kidding. And this time I know it's THE time, but you know...I still can't quite grasp that.
At 9 pm, with my husband firmly planted at Gib's side, and a friend supervising the two of them (smile) I ran home for a much needed shower. I really thought he might fly Home while I was gone, and I told him that I was leaving for an hour. But he waited.
At 10:30 I just had to sleep. I'm so exhausted that I knew I needed real sleep and not recliner kinda sleep, so I kissed his hot forehead and went to my cot. I knew I could not monitor his breathing, but that I would know if he were in distress. I was just 5 feet away.
At 5 am I awoke to his steady breathing. So steady, in fact, that it sent me into new sobs. It's like he's just taking a good long nap. I have not seen pain and suffering for well over 24 hours. When he was leaving pain and suffering, I could deal with that. But now...now he is just so peaceful and it seems so sad that life is seeping from him. But I must remember the congestive heart failure, the gaping open 12 inch incision, the infected blood, the infected fistula through which he receives his life giving dialysis. There were SO many fights to fight, and now, instead of fighting, he is resting.
My brother, who is a surgeon and had the hardest time of any of us agreeing to comfort care (doctors are used to never giving up...) just wrote to me:
Dear Grace, Dad's peace is an answer to our prayers. You are witnessing what happens when someone is completely in God's hands. Love, Sam.
My favorite nurse just came on duty. That in itself gives me comfort. I am going to leave him in her expert care and make a dash to Starbucks. I've got some work ahead of me - ushering a dear saint to heaven.
Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His godly ones.
4.18.2009
4.16.2009
Decisions
What a day.
We're finally out of the ICU...but into comfort care. As Power of Attorney, I had to make the hard calls today. A lot of discussions with doctors and with siblings. A lot of tears. Actually, I think the tears are just beginning.
I have watched my dad suffer so much over the last five years. And yet I've seen him enjoy life. He loves to laugh, loves to study the Word, loves to watch sports, loves a great grilled burger and a glass of red wine. He knew how to savor the good things and enjoy the moment.
But today the choices did not include too many good things. He is going into sepsis. The infections are ahead of the antibiotics. There were more antibiotics to try, but less and less chance of achieving a decent level of life. At what point do we say enough is enough with medical intervention? It's a really tough call. Believe me, I've come to know it too well. Even at 83 with congestive heart failure, kidney dialysis, diabetes, a gaping 12 inch open incision, and no cognitive responses, it's still heart rending. The what if.
Time to sleep. He's restless. I hope we can stay ahead of the pain.
I did what he asked me to do: say enough is enough at the right time. God set up a number of signs for me. I believe it was the right time.
Pray for us.
We're finally out of the ICU...but into comfort care. As Power of Attorney, I had to make the hard calls today. A lot of discussions with doctors and with siblings. A lot of tears. Actually, I think the tears are just beginning.
I have watched my dad suffer so much over the last five years. And yet I've seen him enjoy life. He loves to laugh, loves to study the Word, loves to watch sports, loves a great grilled burger and a glass of red wine. He knew how to savor the good things and enjoy the moment.
But today the choices did not include too many good things. He is going into sepsis. The infections are ahead of the antibiotics. There were more antibiotics to try, but less and less chance of achieving a decent level of life. At what point do we say enough is enough with medical intervention? It's a really tough call. Believe me, I've come to know it too well. Even at 83 with congestive heart failure, kidney dialysis, diabetes, a gaping 12 inch open incision, and no cognitive responses, it's still heart rending. The what if.
Time to sleep. He's restless. I hope we can stay ahead of the pain.
I did what he asked me to do: say enough is enough at the right time. God set up a number of signs for me. I believe it was the right time.
Pray for us.
4.15.2009
Death and Dying
Here I sit in the ICU. Day nine with my dear father, Gib. Nine days ago he had emergency bowel surgery to remove an obstruction and untwist a kink. They removed about 5 inches of bowel.
The first few days were disoriented and a bit combative. That is SO not him, but I have been at death's door with him before, and knew what to expect.
The next few days were calm, and my presence soothed him. Those are the hardest days, because when I left I felt so badly...that I was not there to calm his angst.
Then I started to notice him slip...mentally. The words came slow. I could see he was struggling to form them...I could see the frustration.
And the last couple days I've been trying to convince the nurses that something is amiss...he is just not here mentally...getting worse rather than better.
Today I got a call at work...the first...that he had spiked a fever, and needed a CT on his abdomen to look for a suspected abscess. I rushed to the hospital. He has been mostly resting comfortably and unable to know that I am here. Further questioning showed the gravity of the situation...an abscess would be fatal, as he cannot tolerate surgery. I've emailed the world, said my good byes, prayed with him, read him Psalms... During his CT I ran home and changed and got my books, planning to stay overnight.
The CT just came back. No abscess. And so we don't know what is causing the infection. And so...we wait.
I'm still going to stay overnight. I'm hoping to study. But I'm realizing how exhausting this is.
I'm okay with his living, I'm okay with his dieing, but this hovering in the unknown...that's tough stuff.
On to studying...I hope...Good night!
The first few days were disoriented and a bit combative. That is SO not him, but I have been at death's door with him before, and knew what to expect.
The next few days were calm, and my presence soothed him. Those are the hardest days, because when I left I felt so badly...that I was not there to calm his angst.
Then I started to notice him slip...mentally. The words came slow. I could see he was struggling to form them...I could see the frustration.
And the last couple days I've been trying to convince the nurses that something is amiss...he is just not here mentally...getting worse rather than better.
Today I got a call at work...the first...that he had spiked a fever, and needed a CT on his abdomen to look for a suspected abscess. I rushed to the hospital. He has been mostly resting comfortably and unable to know that I am here. Further questioning showed the gravity of the situation...an abscess would be fatal, as he cannot tolerate surgery. I've emailed the world, said my good byes, prayed with him, read him Psalms... During his CT I ran home and changed and got my books, planning to stay overnight.
The CT just came back. No abscess. And so we don't know what is causing the infection. And so...we wait.
I'm still going to stay overnight. I'm hoping to study. But I'm realizing how exhausting this is.
I'm okay with his living, I'm okay with his dieing, but this hovering in the unknown...that's tough stuff.
On to studying...I hope...Good night!
4.13.2009
The Sacred Romance
Following are quotes from the book The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge. I'm journaling on my laptop, so I had already typed them out there... thought I'd share a few here.
“Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within them.” AW Tozer.
"Starting very early, life has taught all of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything….We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life."
p.5
“Our original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all…rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.” – Frederick Buechner in Telling Secrets as quoted on page 5.
"Here, busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity, and functional relationships substitute for love. In the outer life we live from ‘ought’ (I ought to do this) rather than from ‘desire’ (I want to do this) and management substitutes for mystery." p.6
"Given the right plan, everything in life can be managed, except your heart." p.6
“Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within them.” AW Tozer.
"Starting very early, life has taught all of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything….We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life."
p.5
“Our original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all…rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.” – Frederick Buechner in Telling Secrets as quoted on page 5.
"Here, busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity, and functional relationships substitute for love. In the outer life we live from ‘ought’ (I ought to do this) rather than from ‘desire’ (I want to do this) and management substitutes for mystery." p.6
"Given the right plan, everything in life can be managed, except your heart." p.6
This and that
Once again there's only time for a "bullet point" post...just a glimpse at what is filling each day.
* My father has been in ICU for almost a week following bowel surgery. He is 83, in congestive heart failure, receives kidney dialysis 3 days a week and is a FIGHTER. While I know he is ready for heaven, he SO wants to stretch out his days here on earth. I've been at the hospital A LOT.
* Work has been very busy. My job is to find new work for the architects, so in an economy like this where there's never enough work, I must keep at it. Thankfully I love what I do.
* Emily has been in Africa and Portugal the past two weeks. I'll have to post a camel photo. Simply amazing.
* Joey was home for the Easter week end. Yes, I beat him in Scrabble. :) He and I are about even and we love to play. He's such a joy of a kid. We connect well.
* Easter Sunday was a blessing at church. I sang, our quintet sang, Shane had a great sermon, they showed an inspiring video of clips of the Jesus movie...it was an inspiring hour. Puts my trials in perspective.
* Today I've been mega journaling. I'm reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. Between it and the Beth Moore John study, I'm very introspective and in the mood to write. I long for hours upon hours to do just that.
* My final exam is a week from Thursday. Overwhelming, but plugging away... Need to keep reading and stop being so introspective! :)
* Today was a catch up day. Two boxes for Goodwill, laundry done, lots of reading and writing, puttering... but now I'm off to the hospital, along with Jake.
* Anna is on a spring break band trip. Cleveland, Washington DC, and New York City. Our kids really get around. Frank's traveling for work. Me and Jake are the only ones not leaving Wisconsin.
* That's life in a nutshell. Even in the midst of the chaos that a hospitalization causes, I take the time for a good cup of coffee, my journal and the Word each morning - no matter what. I know "this too will pass." And some day Gib will head to heaven, and I'll never regret the hours sitting at his bedside.
* Happy Monday, everyone. He is risen indeed!
* My father has been in ICU for almost a week following bowel surgery. He is 83, in congestive heart failure, receives kidney dialysis 3 days a week and is a FIGHTER. While I know he is ready for heaven, he SO wants to stretch out his days here on earth. I've been at the hospital A LOT.
* Work has been very busy. My job is to find new work for the architects, so in an economy like this where there's never enough work, I must keep at it. Thankfully I love what I do.
* Emily has been in Africa and Portugal the past two weeks. I'll have to post a camel photo. Simply amazing.
* Joey was home for the Easter week end. Yes, I beat him in Scrabble. :) He and I are about even and we love to play. He's such a joy of a kid. We connect well.
* Easter Sunday was a blessing at church. I sang, our quintet sang, Shane had a great sermon, they showed an inspiring video of clips of the Jesus movie...it was an inspiring hour. Puts my trials in perspective.
* Today I've been mega journaling. I'm reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. Between it and the Beth Moore John study, I'm very introspective and in the mood to write. I long for hours upon hours to do just that.
* My final exam is a week from Thursday. Overwhelming, but plugging away... Need to keep reading and stop being so introspective! :)
* Today was a catch up day. Two boxes for Goodwill, laundry done, lots of reading and writing, puttering... but now I'm off to the hospital, along with Jake.
* Anna is on a spring break band trip. Cleveland, Washington DC, and New York City. Our kids really get around. Frank's traveling for work. Me and Jake are the only ones not leaving Wisconsin.
* That's life in a nutshell. Even in the midst of the chaos that a hospitalization causes, I take the time for a good cup of coffee, my journal and the Word each morning - no matter what. I know "this too will pass." And some day Gib will head to heaven, and I'll never regret the hours sitting at his bedside.
* Happy Monday, everyone. He is risen indeed!
4.05.2009
The birds aren't that hungry after all...
We do have a lot of birds in our yard. And I'm likely the only one in the neighborhood who bakes their seed...but goodness...those feeders seem to need refilling a lot.
Well...last night...about midnight, I caught a trespassor. I was too sleepy and dumbfounded to get my camera this time. I stood right at the window and was a foot away from a huge doe who was sucking the seed right out of my feeder with her long tongue. Last time I saw her I was so amazed that I kept my distance and got a photo. This time I was just kinda mad. I tapped on the window, she looked at me and went back to chowing down. I opened the window and clapped, and then she took off in a flash - jumped the fence and was literally just *poof* gone.
Of course after she left I was wishing that I had taken a photo from so very close. Last time I took this one.
So, in the last week I've spied a very large raccoon eating up the spilled seeds, and a now a doe eating and spilling for that coon.
I need to find a discount bird seed distributor. Seems I'm feeding half the forest!
Well...last night...about midnight, I caught a trespassor. I was too sleepy and dumbfounded to get my camera this time. I stood right at the window and was a foot away from a huge doe who was sucking the seed right out of my feeder with her long tongue. Last time I saw her I was so amazed that I kept my distance and got a photo. This time I was just kinda mad. I tapped on the window, she looked at me and went back to chowing down. I opened the window and clapped, and then she took off in a flash - jumped the fence and was literally just *poof* gone.
Of course after she left I was wishing that I had taken a photo from so very close. Last time I took this one.
So, in the last week I've spied a very large raccoon eating up the spilled seeds, and a now a doe eating and spilling for that coon.
I need to find a discount bird seed distributor. Seems I'm feeding half the forest!
4.04.2009
Red at the bedroom window feeder...
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Really, you need to appreciate that photo. You have no idea how many times I crawled (yes, literally) to my purse to get my camera only to have him fly away. Red is rather camera shy.
The little round heads in the foreground are a small horizontal grouping of sculpted birds that I have perched on the window sill.
I do love these feathered friends.
April
Hello!
Do I have any readers left? I'm sure you've logged in only to find...no update. So sorry. On the bright side, life has been so full that there's not time to write about it. :)
Let's see...
**I'm now 46. It doesn't feel much different.
**It's still winter here...I think we're expecting an ice storm tomorrow. (GOOD GRIEF)
**Work and school are keeping me busy most minutes. And the little things like cooking and cleaning and trying to say hello to the kids now and then. :)
**I'm at the laptop to write a paper. The homework this week is, "Why did the author of Hebrews quote Psalm 95 so many times? What concept do you think the author is trying to make clear in this reference? What nuance/perspective does Psalm 95 add?" (If you'd like to send me your answers, feel free!)
**My oldest brother is here for the week end. He and I went to my favorite coffee shop, by Lake Michigan, and had coffee and split a Java Milkshake. They grind coffee beans into vanilla ice cream. UNBELIEVABLE. I might be awake for a long time tonight though...
**Red and Ruby, my cardinal couple, are sighted daily from the bedroom window. I'll upload a photo I snuck of Red. Tonight I actually saw Red put a seed into Ruby's beak, and it looked like he gave her a kiss. I am *so* into these cardinals...a sign of aging, no?
**I just did my "neti pot" for the second time today. If you have no idea what that is, Google it. It is a drug free way of sinus cleansing and it works SO WELL. Yucky cold lingering on...
**Tonight I took some time to make some cards. Very simple, using ribbon and stickers and a calligraphy marker, but really felt good to do something a tiny bit creative.
**Bought some new KEEN sandals today. If you have no idea what those are, Google that too. In my estimation they are the world's most comfortable shoe.
**There. You're all up to date. Well, at least on the items on the TOP of my head.
I will try to be more consistent again. So sorry. I've missed you. -g
Do I have any readers left? I'm sure you've logged in only to find...no update. So sorry. On the bright side, life has been so full that there's not time to write about it. :)
Let's see...
**I'm now 46. It doesn't feel much different.
**It's still winter here...I think we're expecting an ice storm tomorrow. (GOOD GRIEF)
**Work and school are keeping me busy most minutes. And the little things like cooking and cleaning and trying to say hello to the kids now and then. :)
**I'm at the laptop to write a paper. The homework this week is, "Why did the author of Hebrews quote Psalm 95 so many times? What concept do you think the author is trying to make clear in this reference? What nuance/perspective does Psalm 95 add?" (If you'd like to send me your answers, feel free!)
**My oldest brother is here for the week end. He and I went to my favorite coffee shop, by Lake Michigan, and had coffee and split a Java Milkshake. They grind coffee beans into vanilla ice cream. UNBELIEVABLE. I might be awake for a long time tonight though...
**Red and Ruby, my cardinal couple, are sighted daily from the bedroom window. I'll upload a photo I snuck of Red. Tonight I actually saw Red put a seed into Ruby's beak, and it looked like he gave her a kiss. I am *so* into these cardinals...a sign of aging, no?
**I just did my "neti pot" for the second time today. If you have no idea what that is, Google it. It is a drug free way of sinus cleansing and it works SO WELL. Yucky cold lingering on...
**Tonight I took some time to make some cards. Very simple, using ribbon and stickers and a calligraphy marker, but really felt good to do something a tiny bit creative.
**Bought some new KEEN sandals today. If you have no idea what those are, Google that too. In my estimation they are the world's most comfortable shoe.
**There. You're all up to date. Well, at least on the items on the TOP of my head.
I will try to be more consistent again. So sorry. I've missed you. -g
3.23.2009
Emily en route to Ireland
Emily posted this photo on Facebook with the following caption:
haha! mom, the london airport knows how to take care of passengers like you :)
haha! mom, the london airport knows how to take care of passengers like you :)
King of Spring
As I nestled in with coffee, journal and Bible before work, I enjoyed the antics of many birds as they discovered the newly filled feeders. I heard the cardinal, and then spotted him in our maple tree, sitting there regally like the king of spring. This photo is shot through the bedroom window, VERY QUICKLY as he tends to be skittish, and turned out so well, even showing the various stages of buds in the maple tree. (Right click and make the photo screen sized if you can!)
The photo below was taken from my loveseat vantage point. Even on a grey day the view is breathtaking. It's amazing that I ever manage to emerge and go to work...
3.18.2009
Chairo Charis
Yes, I am still alive and kicking.
Life is full, and once in a while I get a bit quiet as I want to process quietly and keep the blog positive. :) My journal is overflowing! (that's where I process the yuck!) Plus, once in a while, I get tired of the computer...you know?
But this morning, as I was squeezing in a bit of reading before work, I came across an explanation of the general format of Paul's letters in the New Testament. And they generally start with a greeting - chairo in the Greek means 'greeting' - and that word is closely related to charis which is the Greek word for Grace. Thus, it is reasoned, "Grace and Peace to you" is often the greeting that Paul used.
In the Strong's lexicon, chairo (strongs number 5463 for those of you who care) is defined as:
1 to rejoice, be glad. 2 to rejoice exceedingly. 3 to be well, thrive. 4 in salutations, hail!. 5 at the beginning of letters: to give one greeting, salute.
I like that. Perhaps I need to rename the blog - Chairo Charis! (I have no idea if there is a Greek equivalent to 'from' as in Greetings from Grace)
On a COMPLETELY different note, I had to take my car in yesterday - to get them to turn off a service light. My company spoils me with an Acura RDX, and I thank God for it OFTEN as it has the most amazing stereo system. On my miles and miles of work miles I listen to so many good CD teaching lectures, and great praise music. [in fact, I wonder how people stay positive without that continual infusion of positive material - but that's yet another subject.] I was escorted to the waiting room, and decided to look at the new 2009's. The Acura TL, which was a close second in my choice of vehicle, has a new model in 2009. I sat in it and loved some of the upgrades. And I smiled as I looked at the stereo. It had a bunch of little logos surrounding it, (surround sound, DVD -audio, etc.) but there's a new one - "gracenotes." HA. Small "G" and everything. It's the little things in life that really tickle me.
Okay...back to work. Took a 15 minute break, but since I came in late I'll just work through.
And so - have a great Wednesday!
Life is full, and once in a while I get a bit quiet as I want to process quietly and keep the blog positive. :) My journal is overflowing! (that's where I process the yuck!) Plus, once in a while, I get tired of the computer...you know?
But this morning, as I was squeezing in a bit of reading before work, I came across an explanation of the general format of Paul's letters in the New Testament. And they generally start with a greeting - chairo in the Greek means 'greeting' - and that word is closely related to charis which is the Greek word for Grace. Thus, it is reasoned, "Grace and Peace to you" is often the greeting that Paul used.
In the Strong's lexicon, chairo (strongs number 5463 for those of you who care) is defined as:
1 to rejoice, be glad. 2 to rejoice exceedingly. 3 to be well, thrive. 4 in salutations, hail!. 5 at the beginning of letters: to give one greeting, salute.
I like that. Perhaps I need to rename the blog - Chairo Charis! (I have no idea if there is a Greek equivalent to 'from' as in Greetings from Grace)
On a COMPLETELY different note, I had to take my car in yesterday - to get them to turn off a service light. My company spoils me with an Acura RDX, and I thank God for it OFTEN as it has the most amazing stereo system. On my miles and miles of work miles I listen to so many good CD teaching lectures, and great praise music. [in fact, I wonder how people stay positive without that continual infusion of positive material - but that's yet another subject.] I was escorted to the waiting room, and decided to look at the new 2009's. The Acura TL, which was a close second in my choice of vehicle, has a new model in 2009. I sat in it and loved some of the upgrades. And I smiled as I looked at the stereo. It had a bunch of little logos surrounding it, (surround sound, DVD -audio, etc.) but there's a new one - "gracenotes." HA. Small "G" and everything. It's the little things in life that really tickle me.
Okay...back to work. Took a 15 minute break, but since I came in late I'll just work through.
And so - have a great Wednesday!
3.09.2009
One of those.
I'm loving this book. Our Saturday study is working through it at the pace of 5 days per week.Today, snugged under my quilt on my love seat, with the window open a crack just to hear the birds, and the sunlight streaming in the windows, I am working on Day 37 and 38. (I'm a bit behind and I have the luxury of a few hours with Him.)
Beth references what has become my life verse: John 10:10 "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." I am one of those people who want to squeeze everything out of every moment. I want it all. Read what Beth writes:
Do you realize that Christ wants you to have a great life? Don't confuse great with no challenges, hardships, or even suffering. In fact, the greatest parts of my life experience have been overcoming the overwhelming in the power of the Holy Spirit. [ emphasis mine] When we lay down these lives of ours, God wants us to be able to say we lived them fully. We didn't miss a thing He had for us. We had a blast with God. Just like John.
Jesus offered a lot of life; John took Him up on it. Jesus shed a lot of light; John chose to walk in it. Jesus revealed a lot of glory; John chose to behold it. Jesus delivered a lot of truth; John believed it. Jesus shed a lot of blood; John felt covered by it. Jesus lavished a lot of love; John received it. Jesus is full of everything we could ever need or desire. Thankfully, many receive, but others receive more abundantly. John was one of those.
Amen, amen, amen and amen. I want to be one of those. I'm not going to apologize for it ever again - I want the abundance. I long to get so close with Jesus that I can refer to myself as the disciple Jesus loved. Yup, I want to be one of those.
I've come to recognize that my God given exuberance can be taxing on some human relationships. God has had to teach me that not everyone lives at my pace and my energy level. But you know what is super cool? I'm never too much for God. I just love that. I can push the envelope with Him, and He is right there urging me on.
I am one of those.
The Secluded Place
Mark 6:30-32 (NASB95)30 The apostles gathered together with Jesus; and they reported to Him all that they had done and taught.
31 And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while.” (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.)
32 They went away in the boat to a secluded place by themselves.
I am seated in my secluded place: the love seat at the foot of our bed. I spent a bit of time here with Him earlier, but wanted to make a hot breakfast for the kids, knowing that He and I could tarry late morning. And here we are.
This is my sanity. He is my counselor.
What struck me in the passage above is the balance. They had been so busy with people that they didn't have time to eat. (that never seems to be my problem...) Jesus did not reprimand that - He simply called for them to compensate for it. They were spending themselves on the kingdom...and Jesus knew they needed time alone with Him to refuel.
We do too. Every single one of us. How is your balance today? Are you spending your energy fulfilling His call on your life? Are you taking time in a secluded place for your heart time with Him?
Just checking.
31 And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while.” (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.)
32 They went away in the boat to a secluded place by themselves.
I am seated in my secluded place: the love seat at the foot of our bed. I spent a bit of time here with Him earlier, but wanted to make a hot breakfast for the kids, knowing that He and I could tarry late morning. And here we are.
This is my sanity. He is my counselor.
What struck me in the passage above is the balance. They had been so busy with people that they didn't have time to eat. (that never seems to be my problem...) Jesus did not reprimand that - He simply called for them to compensate for it. They were spending themselves on the kingdom...and Jesus knew they needed time alone with Him to refuel.
We do too. Every single one of us. How is your balance today? Are you spending your energy fulfilling His call on your life? Are you taking time in a secluded place for your heart time with Him?
Just checking.
3.08.2009
The Garden of Grace
This week before class I went to the bookstore at Elmbrook Church, and this book caught my eye and ended up mine. I will admit: I like the title.
What a little gem. Evidently it is the third in a series, so I'll need to look for the others. Simply about quiet times with God, she tells of the rich sweet irreplaceable times available daily with our Savior. Delightful light read with plenty to ponder. Jill Briscoe has a lovely way of writing.
A few quotes that I underlined so far:
When I began, the little red book in my hand was just a little red book. But when I'd finished, the course of my life was set. The secret was mine. The words had become "God's Gold" to me. All that now remained was a lifetime of sitting on the Steps with Him and learning the art of true devotion. p. 12
These were all on one page: page 30:
Jesus didn't do ministry from a distance. He didn't send an angel to redeem the race. He came - IMMANUEL - God with us.
"Our God contracted in a span - incomprehensibly made man." -Charles Wesley.
"God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ." 2 Cor 5:19
"I just had to come," He said. And He came. Our ministry has to be the same. A ministry of presence.
Sunday
I'm relaxed for the first time in about a month. The two youngest and I watched Roman Holiday tonight, and I finally sat through a movie from start to finish. I even cut out quilt squares while we watched, though I have not sewn a stitch. Perhaps tomorrow. It's a simple table runner made out of decorator fabrics. When our Interior Designer at work gets new samples I get the old ones. I have enough for at least 100 table runners...so far.
Tomorrow I am home YET AGAIN, and it is such a treat. I used to always have four day week ends, until about a year and a half ago, and wow...this has made me miss them! But I will be satisfied with one thrown in every month or so.
The winter decor is all in the basement, although not stored away yet. The birdhouses appeared, and everything is dusted and rearranged and vacuumed - it felt so good to be nesting. No matter how much I love my job, I'd still rather be home. Rearranging decor and some furniture is an absolute delight to me - to make a room new. I keep wandering into the family room because I moved a few things and hung some photos - it is delightful. There is truly no place like home.
Nothing much to report. Just wanted to get the new spring blog look done, and say hello. I am enjoying Sabbath rest...
Good night!
Tomorrow I am home YET AGAIN, and it is such a treat. I used to always have four day week ends, until about a year and a half ago, and wow...this has made me miss them! But I will be satisfied with one thrown in every month or so.
The winter decor is all in the basement, although not stored away yet. The birdhouses appeared, and everything is dusted and rearranged and vacuumed - it felt so good to be nesting. No matter how much I love my job, I'd still rather be home. Rearranging decor and some furniture is an absolute delight to me - to make a room new. I keep wandering into the family room because I moved a few things and hung some photos - it is delightful. There is truly no place like home.
Nothing much to report. Just wanted to get the new spring blog look done, and say hello. I am enjoying Sabbath rest...
Good night!
3.06.2009
Spring
There. A new look for spring. And as I look out the window...it's snowing again. But no more snow on my blog...we're thinking spring.
The zinnia is from my garden last summer. I just LOVE how zinnias' petals start small and grow outward instead of unfurling. There is something so amazing about that to me. They stretch to the sun.
Think Spring!
The zinnia is from my garden last summer. I just LOVE how zinnias' petals start small and grow outward instead of unfurling. There is something so amazing about that to me. They stretch to the sun.
Think Spring!
Maranatha
Finished First Corinthians, which I see to be primarily a plea for unity among believers. Of course I found many sweet nuggets, and added a lot of index cards to my pile to ponder.
1 Corinthians 16:22 contains the word Maranatha, the only time this English version of this Greek word appears in the Bible. In the footnotes to my Bible (which carries no commentary, just useful translation helps) it says "O our Lord come!" What a great response to pretty much any troubling situation. We need the Lord to return in victory, or we need the Lord to show Himself in that particular moment in that particular situation. I love it! Let's all cry MARANATHA!
While seated there pondering Maranatha, this is what tumbled off my pen:
Maranatha is the answer
for every single question
Maranatha is the outcome I desire.
Maranatha - come Lord Jesus
whether to deliver
or to carry me across this current fire.
Maranatha please come quickly
Maranatha is my plea
I know You're here beside me
Make Your presence known to me.
Maranatha Lord my Savior
Deliver me from life or death
Whether coming as Earth's conqueror
or to guide me through this test.
Maranatha is the answer
to every fear I feel
Maranatha my dear Savior
to Your knowing Love I kneel.
1 Corinthians 16:22 contains the word Maranatha, the only time this English version of this Greek word appears in the Bible. In the footnotes to my Bible (which carries no commentary, just useful translation helps) it says "O our Lord come!" What a great response to pretty much any troubling situation. We need the Lord to return in victory, or we need the Lord to show Himself in that particular moment in that particular situation. I love it! Let's all cry MARANATHA!
While seated there pondering Maranatha, this is what tumbled off my pen:
Maranatha is the answer
for every single question
Maranatha is the outcome I desire.
Maranatha - come Lord Jesus
whether to deliver
or to carry me across this current fire.
Maranatha please come quickly
Maranatha is my plea
I know You're here beside me
Make Your presence known to me.
Maranatha Lord my Savior
Deliver me from life or death
Whether coming as Earth's conqueror
or to guide me through this test.
Maranatha is the answer
to every fear I feel
Maranatha my dear Savior
to Your knowing Love I kneel.
Week End!
Hallelujah...it's the week end. And I'm taking a long one - four days...almost. The almost is because I do have to do some work from home today, but I'm HOME. woo hoo!
Last night's class was so amazing, once again, and so I do plan to write up a couple reflections on a couple of different issues. One thing I love is that our professor, a PhD from Marquette University and a Pastor at Elmbrook Church, is SO in tuned to what is important. What is important to him is that this study of God's Word is life changing. His prayers at the beginning and end of each class are so humble and he continually stresses that drawing closer to God is the goal of the class - we are to be changed. It's not about "academics," although the class is academic and intense. I am just so pleasantly surprised by this tone, for the Bible says that knowledge puffs up. I just want to know God better. The yearning is growing.
I am so drawn to the Word right now - it IS changing my whole perspective - a true longing to dig deeper. And the small stuff of life is indeed less important most days.
We got our midterms back - I did well, although there's still room for improvement. Because I am me I want an A, but that may not be possible without quitting my job or my family, neither of which are feasible or preferred. : ) I'm teetering somewhere in the A- range at the moment, which is fabulous and he stated plainly that he is stingy with A's. He expects only a couple in our class of 50. Today's homework is to read 1 and 2 Corinthians (I STILL haven't read them) and somehow I'm not so enthused...so hopefully I'll get an attitude adjustment. I'm all excited about the shorter epistles...but...I will make myself go in order. :)
So, my coffee is brewed, my hot cream is frothed (those tiny hand held $2 gadgets are amazing) and the couch is calling. So is the house - which needs to welcome SPRING in decor and in cleaning. A long walk on this 50 degree day is in order, and I think it's time for a spring trip to Goodwill as well - to get rid of, not to add to, my stuff. There's something about spring that calls for clean surfaces and less clutter. WHEW. Hope my energy holds out. I will cook dinner for my family for the first time in a week too - unless you count Shake n Bake pork chops made at 10 pm for reheating... And the grocery - the cupboards are bare. Yes, I've been on overload - but now a four day week end at HOME. Woo hoo.
Enjoy your Friday. I'll be posting this week end, and hopefully changing the look of my blog. Time to welcome SPRING.
Last night's class was so amazing, once again, and so I do plan to write up a couple reflections on a couple of different issues. One thing I love is that our professor, a PhD from Marquette University and a Pastor at Elmbrook Church, is SO in tuned to what is important. What is important to him is that this study of God's Word is life changing. His prayers at the beginning and end of each class are so humble and he continually stresses that drawing closer to God is the goal of the class - we are to be changed. It's not about "academics," although the class is academic and intense. I am just so pleasantly surprised by this tone, for the Bible says that knowledge puffs up. I just want to know God better. The yearning is growing.
I am so drawn to the Word right now - it IS changing my whole perspective - a true longing to dig deeper. And the small stuff of life is indeed less important most days.
We got our midterms back - I did well, although there's still room for improvement. Because I am me I want an A, but that may not be possible without quitting my job or my family, neither of which are feasible or preferred. : ) I'm teetering somewhere in the A- range at the moment, which is fabulous and he stated plainly that he is stingy with A's. He expects only a couple in our class of 50. Today's homework is to read 1 and 2 Corinthians (I STILL haven't read them) and somehow I'm not so enthused...so hopefully I'll get an attitude adjustment. I'm all excited about the shorter epistles...but...I will make myself go in order. :)
So, my coffee is brewed, my hot cream is frothed (those tiny hand held $2 gadgets are amazing) and the couch is calling. So is the house - which needs to welcome SPRING in decor and in cleaning. A long walk on this 50 degree day is in order, and I think it's time for a spring trip to Goodwill as well - to get rid of, not to add to, my stuff. There's something about spring that calls for clean surfaces and less clutter. WHEW. Hope my energy holds out. I will cook dinner for my family for the first time in a week too - unless you count Shake n Bake pork chops made at 10 pm for reheating... And the grocery - the cupboards are bare. Yes, I've been on overload - but now a four day week end at HOME. Woo hoo.
Enjoy your Friday. I'll be posting this week end, and hopefully changing the look of my blog. Time to welcome SPRING.
3.02.2009
Taking Care
Hello from Algona Iowa! The AmericInn has wireless, so we're in business.
This blog is all about God's amazing care. I sometimes fear writing like this because I so do not want to sound super spiritual. But I am growing in Him, and it is quite something to watch from my perspective.
Yesterday I did not want to leave for Iowa until after church. Truly. Everything in me knew I needed to be there to just soak in the Word, give and receive a few hugs, and sing to my Lord (just as a part of the congregation.) Interesting to think on. A lot of people in my slippers would have thought they needed a morning home. I needed my church family. That's a part of me now - recognizing the necessity of the body of Christ.
My brother Sam is snowed in in Birmingham Alabama. Amazing since it so rarely snows there. And so since he could not fly to Milwaukee, I drove the seven hours alone again. By Sunday, that was sort of an appealing thought. On Friday I would have, and did, say NO WAY to the drive, but by Sunday I was okay with it. In fact, I have learned to relish these long drives alone.
On the way home from church I picked up two Starbucks lattes. One for the drive and one for Monday morning. We four had a nice lunch at a quick Chinese place, and I quickly packed. My assignment for class is to read Romans and 1 and 2 Corinthians, so the first 2 hours of my drive were spent listening to the book of Romans on CD. I replayed parts here and there, and do prefer reading with a pencil in my hand, but this was a great overview.
Stopped in Wisconsin Dells at the Coach outlet. Pearl, my car, pretty much veers there all on her own since I stop there whenever we pass through. A gas station is located nearby, and there is a nice (really nice) restroom in the outlet mall, and well...I do like those Coach purses and accessories. Creature comforts. I have a couple basic favorite purses now, so usually I shop for bargain (which is a very relative term in a Coach outlet) accessories. Anyhow, I enjoyed 30 minutes of walking and browsing. Grace refreshment.
Next I put on Joyce Meyers. Joyce preached at me for about 4 hours over four different CD's. The first two were on "Walking in Love," and the second two on "God Uses Cracked Pots." What an absolute delight. I'm not sure that I agree on every detail of theology with Joyce, but she herself admits to not being theological. Her calling is to teach the gospel in a practical way. And she does. I have the feeling she and I might be best friends. Or, we might drive each other right up a tree...we're both rather strong and opinionated, but we both adore Jesus and are simply attempting to allow Him to use our strength in a positive way. She inspires me because she is so real and honest about herself and her own weaknesses. I can relate.
[aside: When I grow up I want to be a combination of Kay Arthur, Beth Moore and Joyce Meyer. More than anything I would love to do what they do: travel and teach women the Word. And write. And study. Whew. Sign me up.
And do you know the amazing thing? Each of these three women have amazing testimonies of pain in their past. Kay of promiscuity and a failed and painful marriage, Beth and Joyce of childhood trauma and abuse. And how God is using them now! Gives me hope. The pain of my past and my present will be redeemed - it is molding me into a person He can use.]
Back to the trip... stopped again in Austin, Minnesota at WalMart. Bought index cards and a very fine tipped scrapbooking pen. Found the most delightful small photo albums, too. Also bought the Joyce Meyer Study Bible. She uses the Amplified Version, and I'm thinking this might be a great addition to my reading. The key words are amplified...about 4 or 5 synonyms are there in the text...the different options of what the Greek or Hebrew might mean. Anyhow, I saw it in hardcover at a discount and thought I'd give it a try. And Grape Propel, my beverage of choice. Have I ever blogged that before? I LOVE Grape Propel.
Another two hours and I was at my aunt's home. It was full to overflowing with their five combined sons, along with their wives and children. The viewing was over and they were eating and reminiscing. LOTS of hugs. LOTS. All are appreciative of my traveling there twice in two weeks, and of my singing. Family. Sigh. I rarely think of all this family I have out here in Iowa - cousins and the such. Blessed.
My uncle's second to last day was a good one. When his youngest son, Mark, had remarked that Herb was doing well, Herb's remark had been, (in his huge bass voice) "I am...I'm one day closer to Jesus." And when Mark said goodbye and he'd see him soon, Herb's last words to his youngest son were: "If not this week end, then on the other side." WOO HOO. THAT'S how to die in Christ. On Thursday, the day before he died, he was in deep pain, and heavily medicated. All they could hear was a murmer of "Thank you Jesus," and Herb singing hymns and reciting Scripture. He was not conscious at all that day, but they could hear whispers of his groanings.
Oh Lord may I die so bravely and in Your arms. Whew.
I snuck away from the reunion fairly quickly, anxious to get to the hotel. I upgraded my room to one with a whirlpool, figuring this small indulgence ($25) had been well earned this week. I set out all my books, and quickly filled the tub. What an absolute delight. Pictures show the waterfall like cascade of water from the faucet. The whole hotel is brand new - has that drywall and paint smell. The whirlpool is right in the bedroom, with a great overhead heat fan for white noise, and a dimmer light. I had brought a tiny scented candle. I sunk in, turned on the jets and finally just relaxed. God is so very good to me.
This blog is all about God's amazing care. I sometimes fear writing like this because I so do not want to sound super spiritual. But I am growing in Him, and it is quite something to watch from my perspective.
Yesterday I did not want to leave for Iowa until after church. Truly. Everything in me knew I needed to be there to just soak in the Word, give and receive a few hugs, and sing to my Lord (just as a part of the congregation.) Interesting to think on. A lot of people in my slippers would have thought they needed a morning home. I needed my church family. That's a part of me now - recognizing the necessity of the body of Christ.
My brother Sam is snowed in in Birmingham Alabama. Amazing since it so rarely snows there. And so since he could not fly to Milwaukee, I drove the seven hours alone again. By Sunday, that was sort of an appealing thought. On Friday I would have, and did, say NO WAY to the drive, but by Sunday I was okay with it. In fact, I have learned to relish these long drives alone.
On the way home from church I picked up two Starbucks lattes. One for the drive and one for Monday morning. We four had a nice lunch at a quick Chinese place, and I quickly packed. My assignment for class is to read Romans and 1 and 2 Corinthians, so the first 2 hours of my drive were spent listening to the book of Romans on CD. I replayed parts here and there, and do prefer reading with a pencil in my hand, but this was a great overview.
Stopped in Wisconsin Dells at the Coach outlet. Pearl, my car, pretty much veers there all on her own since I stop there whenever we pass through. A gas station is located nearby, and there is a nice (really nice) restroom in the outlet mall, and well...I do like those Coach purses and accessories. Creature comforts. I have a couple basic favorite purses now, so usually I shop for bargain (which is a very relative term in a Coach outlet) accessories. Anyhow, I enjoyed 30 minutes of walking and browsing. Grace refreshment.
Next I put on Joyce Meyers. Joyce preached at me for about 4 hours over four different CD's. The first two were on "Walking in Love," and the second two on "God Uses Cracked Pots." What an absolute delight. I'm not sure that I agree on every detail of theology with Joyce, but she herself admits to not being theological. Her calling is to teach the gospel in a practical way. And she does. I have the feeling she and I might be best friends. Or, we might drive each other right up a tree...we're both rather strong and opinionated, but we both adore Jesus and are simply attempting to allow Him to use our strength in a positive way. She inspires me because she is so real and honest about herself and her own weaknesses. I can relate.
[aside: When I grow up I want to be a combination of Kay Arthur, Beth Moore and Joyce Meyer. More than anything I would love to do what they do: travel and teach women the Word. And write. And study. Whew. Sign me up.
And do you know the amazing thing? Each of these three women have amazing testimonies of pain in their past. Kay of promiscuity and a failed and painful marriage, Beth and Joyce of childhood trauma and abuse. And how God is using them now! Gives me hope. The pain of my past and my present will be redeemed - it is molding me into a person He can use.]
Back to the trip... stopped again in Austin, Minnesota at WalMart. Bought index cards and a very fine tipped scrapbooking pen. Found the most delightful small photo albums, too. Also bought the Joyce Meyer Study Bible. She uses the Amplified Version, and I'm thinking this might be a great addition to my reading. The key words are amplified...about 4 or 5 synonyms are there in the text...the different options of what the Greek or Hebrew might mean. Anyhow, I saw it in hardcover at a discount and thought I'd give it a try. And Grape Propel, my beverage of choice. Have I ever blogged that before? I LOVE Grape Propel.
Another two hours and I was at my aunt's home. It was full to overflowing with their five combined sons, along with their wives and children. The viewing was over and they were eating and reminiscing. LOTS of hugs. LOTS. All are appreciative of my traveling there twice in two weeks, and of my singing. Family. Sigh. I rarely think of all this family I have out here in Iowa - cousins and the such. Blessed.
My uncle's second to last day was a good one. When his youngest son, Mark, had remarked that Herb was doing well, Herb's remark had been, (in his huge bass voice) "I am...I'm one day closer to Jesus." And when Mark said goodbye and he'd see him soon, Herb's last words to his youngest son were: "If not this week end, then on the other side." WOO HOO. THAT'S how to die in Christ. On Thursday, the day before he died, he was in deep pain, and heavily medicated. All they could hear was a murmer of "Thank you Jesus," and Herb singing hymns and reciting Scripture. He was not conscious at all that day, but they could hear whispers of his groanings.
Oh Lord may I die so bravely and in Your arms. Whew.
I snuck away from the reunion fairly quickly, anxious to get to the hotel. I upgraded my room to one with a whirlpool, figuring this small indulgence ($25) had been well earned this week. I set out all my books, and quickly filled the tub. What an absolute delight. Pictures show the waterfall like cascade of water from the faucet. The whole hotel is brand new - has that drywall and paint smell. The whirlpool is right in the bedroom, with a great overhead heat fan for white noise, and a dimmer light. I had brought a tiny scented candle. I sunk in, turned on the jets and finally just relaxed. God is so very good to me.
However...I wanted to read the Word, explore my new Bible and write out verse cards for Juniece, so my bath was just 30 minutes or so. Not so good at fully relaxing it seems.
Over the last months I have sent June many cards, and into them I put an index card with a handwritten Bible verse on it. (this is something I do all the time, and have zillions of verse cards of my own too...although I often give them away...) When I was in her home a couple weeks ago I saw them, only them, on her fridge. She and I had had one Bible discussion on prayer, and I had written more verse cards for her then. She was so appreciative, and gave me such sincere encouragement: She said to me, "You make it [the Word] come alive." Pure joy fills me at that thought.
And so the photos show her little album, into which I am putting verses of comfort and hope. The cover simply says "hope." The intent is that she can keep it with her in the painful days ahead and find comfort in His Word. Her best friend, her sister, died in November. Her second son of three died in January. And now her husband of 33 years (second marriage - both previously widowed) is in heaven. June has a lot of grieving ahead of her this spring.
And here I am. Unfortunately I awoke at 5:45 (sigh) but that allowed me some guitar time (very quietly!) and a long soak in that heavenly tub. As I sat in the whirling hot water this morning, sipping a hot (reheated) Starbucks latte by candlelight, I was overcome with the blessings that God has poured out in this difficult time.
I am weary, my head has a bit of post cold heaviness (hopefully not the start of another) and the day will once again be emotionally draining. But in the middle of this intense couple of weeks I've had 15 hours of pure rest and refreshment.
Joyce and 1 & 2 Corinthians will accompany me home this afternoon, so the seven hours ahead will be blessed.
He is sustaining me. I appreciate your prayers. God gives us all the strength we need to do exactly what He has planned for us. He cares for us so tenderly. Amen.
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