Whew

Just in case you are having a hard time sleeping because you're wondering if I'm going to make it through my History of Christianity class, I thought I'd relieve your mind. I *might* make it.

We have no class next week, but I'm not telling anybody. That way I can go somewhere and study for the three hours. In two weeks we have a quiz. And in three weeks the mid term.

Yesterday a client moved our presentation to a hospital board FROM October 21, the mid term night. I wanted to kiss him, but felt that was inappropriate. Taking the exam with my class, rather than making special arrangements, is a major relief. Choreographing a major presentation at work AND studying for a mid term... over the top. The presentation is now in November. Thank God.

Then tonight the professor gave us the study guide, (THREE weeks before the exam!!) and said the words that make my heart sing: if the topic is not on the study guide, it's not on the exam. AND...it's 30 multiple choice and 20 true/false. WOO HOO. Relief is flooding my entire list-loving being.

Why do I want A's so bad? Well... that's the perfectionist. And bragging rights to my two college kids... Why will I study like a crazy person to connect the dots between the three page list of people and events that we need to know? Because I really want to understand the linkages, as well as do well on the test. But the way my brain works is that now that the pressure is off I will absorb much better. I'm funny that way...

I think I could pass an objective test even now. I do pay attention and write zillions of notes.

I am much relieved. You likely don't care at all, except that the next time you see me I won't look *quite* so stressed.

Further good news is that we ARE having class on Thanksgiving Eve. Why is that good? Because the alternative was to extend ANOTHER WEEK into December. Having a final exam on December 16 is every mother's (and her family's) nightmare.

Again...you don't care. 'Cept you love me...that's why you're here.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams. -graciered

Door County

Doing much better tonight. The house is more in order, the soup was good, the kids are content, Boomer is curled up at my feet. My little world is getting back into place.

Until tomorrow... when I will head to Whitehall, Wisconsin and then to Eau Claire. Thankfully I'm going with two coworkers, so I can curl up in the back seat and study. Hours of study. yeah!

Here is the link to photos of Door County. Paste this in your browser.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2037420&id=1116654663&l=917cba0af2

Good night. I'm going to watch the season premier of "House." I can't remember the last time I watched TV...need some vegging.

Out and About

A friend just sent me this photo which she snapped on the retreat. I was sneaking off to a gazebo in the woods to study when she spotted me and called my name...

I've been spending a lot of time in the woods lately. I love that. In fact, I've been blessed with a lot of travel - for fun and for work. In fact, I'm exhausted.

When we arrived home from Door County last night I had a melt down. It was aimed at no one in particular, but I just melted down. Anna had a busy week end herself, with Homecoming game Friday, Homecoming dance Saturday, and a Marching Band competition on Sunday. [Frank and I REALLY needed to reconnect, so, yes, we chose to miss all that when the neighbors invited us to a getaway at their DC home...] She and Jake had picked up Chinese food for Sunday dinner, and the remains were all over the table and counter. Jake had made macaroni at some point...those dishes were there too. The garbage was overflowing, the week end chores were not done, it was pouring rain as we unloaded the groceries we had stopped to buy, blah blah blah. Thus the melt down - reality was simply too much.

So, I went to bed. For those of you who have not learned this yet, going to sleep really DOES change the main thing: your perspective. 8 hours later I awoke to a new day and the energy to start to get it done, one item at a time.

Started on the couch. God sets my priorities.

Next I made the rotten undeserving children scrambled eggs, hot cinnamon rolls and slices of orchard fresh apples. They scarfed it down so quick that I decided that further cooking seemed necessary. I boiled chicken for soup and browned up a couple pounds of hamburger for spaghetti and chili later in the week. The deboned chicken is now in the crock pot, simmering away to yumminess along with sauteed onions, celery and garlic and a bag of shredded broccoli and carrots. When I get home from a couple hours of catch up time at work [can't take my normal Monday off due to travel tomorrow ] I'll make noodles. I'm going to get bread going in the bread machine too.

Cleaned all the dishes. Scraped the stove interior, and it is on the cleaning cycle now, right next to the humming dishwasher. Even went overboard and organized the Tupperware closet and rearranged in there. I had just had ENOUGH of living with "just enough" to keep the house going. Once in a while I simply implode, and what I really need then is a good fix of nesting. Beware of the white tornado.

Home truly is where my heart is. I'm starting to dream of age 50 plus... I hope to have my degree done, and the last one off to college... hoping to step out of the hamster wheel and into more ministry. More writing. More speaking. I'm just not a corporate America kinda gal, even with a PLUM flexible part time job. If only someone would pay me to stay home. Oh...and please throw in a company car.

I love that picture. I look pretty happy sneaking off with my bag of books to get caught up emotionally and spiritually. Thankfully I have been consistent with my hour each morning...I can't imagine life without that. More melt downs would definitely be occurring!

This has been an excellent Monday morning. Just in from a brisk walk with Boomer. A nap is sounding good... sigh. Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go, thanking God for the flexibility to take a half day in light of the occasional melt down.

Just part of being human I guess.

Quote of the Day

My *google* homepage is personalized, and one section is "Quote of the Day."

Today's quote:

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
- John le Carre

There is such truth to that, on a human level. But never forget for El Roi: the God who sees. He sees it all, He hears it all, He goes through every moment of every day right alongside each of us.

Comforting, isn't it?

Church History Jeopardy

Tonight in class we played Jeopardy. For the whole 3 hours. Honest.

We had two teams. We alternated. It was timed. If team A could not get the question, then team B had a shot, and then it reverted to team A open book.

If this subject matter reflects the mid term exam, I am sunk. Although I was a star on the team in the "revert" phase - I'm fast with an index and all my notes.

On one hand, I've learned a ton. On the other hand, since I started with zero knowledge of history and geography, I'm feeling a bit... remedial. I'm not used to feeling quite this... clueless.

I'm now reading my textbook each night. No cramming allowed. There is no way to speed read hundreds of pages of names, dates and facts. It's time to add index cards, too.

Whew. I'm overwhelmed.

Anticipation

1 Corinthians 2:9 (AMP)
But, on the contrary, as the Scripture says,

What eye has not seen

and ear has not heard

and has not entered into the heart of man,

[all that] God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him

[who hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed].

Contemplative

I'm becoming more contemplative.

Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's because the people around me are all so busy talking that there's no point in adding to the noise. I'm pretty sure it's because having someone understand the deep stuff takes too much time. And who has that? Perhaps it's because I know that the Holy Spirit within is always present, always listening, always watching...and when I journal or pray, or just sit and think, I know that I am understood. Nudged to change, but understood. It is comforting to remember that I never have to explain myself to God. He knows already.

It's an odd place to be. An odd place to which to be gravitating. I've begun to give up on being fully understood. Is is lonely? Maybe, but actually...not really. There's sort of a wisdom in it. A freedom. Explaining yourself is exhausting. And disappointing. Frustrating. It's calmer to just...not even try. And to remember...God knows. That's all I need.

My favorite thought from Ephesians is in chapter one, verse 2. I love it in the Amplified Bible. In fact, the retreat was based in total on this concept in verse two:

May grace (God’s unmerited favor) and spiritual peace [which means peace with God and harmony, unity, and undisturbedness] be yours from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 1:2 (AMP)

There it is. UNDISTURBEDNESS. That word is just so magnetic. I am drawn to undisturbedness. Explaining myself, defending myself, spending time and energy to be understood...well...it can be disturbing. Which goes against this new goal of mine: living in undisturbedness.

Last night I curled up on the couch, listened to the rain and read The Story of Christianity by Justo L. Gonzalez. Great book. It is assigned reading yet so interesting. I've fallen behind, so I'm comparing my class notes as I read, and it's all coming together - the story line of history - His story.

Anyhow, it made me smile to read of Monasticism.

The very word "monk" derives from the Greek monachos, which means "solitary." One of the driving motivations for the early monks was the search for solitude. Society, with its noise and many activities, was seen as a temptation and a distraction from the monastic goal. p 138.

But then later I read that their wisdom made monks sought after - and they kept having to flee from people pursuing them. There's irony in that. But their wisdom also made some proud...and that temptation overtook them even as they overcame so many others. I've experienced this - the pride of some who think they've *arrived.* The feeling of being judged by them. (which can lead to explaining myself and well...the cycle begins...)

And so, here I sit, contemplating undisturbedness. What changes must occur to live there more? A lot have already occurred. I have much less interest in things and crowds. TV is something that truly holds NO interest to me - it's just too full of yuk that fills my brain and then requires the effort of purging it again. Don't worry, I'm still very interested in EXPERIENCES so I'm not quite a monk yet. Nature is such a huge part of my contentment - there's such peace in the rhythm of nature. God and I meet in the garden. I loved reading of how

some [monks] planted gardens, but most of them earned their living weaving baskets and mats that they then traded for bread and oil. Apart from the ready availability of reeds, this occupation had the advantage that while weaving one could pray, recite a psalm, or memorize a portion of Scripture. p 143 Love that.

Yesterday in my Bible reading I was reading of the woman who poured expensive perfume on Jesus and washed his feet with her hair and tears. In Luke 8:30 (AMP) Jesus tells her, "Your faith has saved you; go (enter) into peace [in freedom from all the distresses that are experienced as the result of sin.]"

That's another piece - a big piece - of the state of Undisturbedness. Freedom from the all the distresses that sin brings. All the nagging doubts, the tangled webs, the explaining, the justifying. Honestly, there is a whole lot of disturbedness served up in enticing packages, isn't there? And it's not all sin. Some is just encumbrance. Choosing the best over the good. Eliminating the extra baggage. The weight of stuff that bogs me down.

It's a rainy, cool Monday morning. The first day of fall. I'm contemplating the peace of undisturbedness even as I look at a week that includes overnight travel and lots of schmoozing at work events. Wow. Life is so full of choices, options, good things in varied packages. How to live a contemplative life in a clamoring world? This morning hour is a start. And after that I just need to buckle up and dive in. He will reveal what I need as we proceed into this day together. He already knows. And He understands me, and just what makes me purr. When I look at it from that perspective, it gives me reason to anticipate His solutions...and to walk confidently, as well as contemplatively, into my day.

Way too much nature...

On a rainy, cool night in September, this chick has had about enough of nature.

I already told you about the mouse. (Yes, I'm in denial, and keeping the word "mouse" in the singular...)

Well, tonight I needed to walk a letter down to our mailbox, where the mailman will pick it up tomorrow when he sees the raised flag. So, I turned on the entryway lights, and stopped...there were two raccoons in the courtyard. They sauntered off, slowly, but I could tell that I didn't scare them at all.

I waited a half hour, leaving the light on. As I put on my crocs to cross the dreaded brick courtyard to the mailbox, I could hear the howls of coyotes in the back yard. They sounded close. I imagined that they were feasting on raccoon...and opened the door.

I braved it into the soggy night, and just barely missed stepping on a HUMONGOUS toad. No, I'm not exaggerating. There he sat right dab in the middle of the brick pathway. I jumped over him, hoping against hope that he would not feel the urge to jump at the same time. He didn't. He just stared and blinked.

I hurried down the driveway and deposited the letter, all the while wondering if coyotes eat toads. As I leapfrogged the...frog...my pace quickened and I dashed in the door. Boomer looked at me and yawned...he had not seen any of it. A lot of good he is!

As I sat down in the living room I spied a wasp on the wall. Smashed him like a bug. He didn't stand a chance after my evening in the wilderness of Greendale.

An ordinary day...

Feeling rather decadent...I am home ALONE. Totally alone.

You have no idea how rare this is. Four kids and a homebody husband...rarely alone. But perhaps a new phase of life is beginning. Anna is pretty independent, and driving. Jake is working on a pretty active social calendar himself. And Frank travels for work, although very rarely over a week end.

Anyhow...what did I do in my glorious time?

I made dinner for the kids, the neighbors and my in laws. Simple fried fish and potatoes, and slices of fresh picked pear. (the neighbors invited me to take a basketful right off their trees!) Anna delivered to my in laws, and I delivered two portions to my grateful neighbors. (they had been very busy in the yard all afternoon...I was over there a few times) I cooked because I wanted to...it felt luxurious to not *have to* and to not be rushing anywhere... I put on good music and enjoyed the time in the kitchen.

Once the kids ate, they cleared out. And I headed to my favorite place - the garden. I spent a few hours weeding, watering and trimming. The flowers are spectacular right now. And again...I did it because I *could* but didn't *have to.* It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that ... I get tired of the schedules and the *have to's.*

I washed the sheets on our bed, and sprinkled them with lavender powder. I'll be there soon.

Right after my bubble bath. That's next.

It really is the simple pleasures that make life grand. And the sound of silence. The night sounds of late summer are streaming in my window, along with the flow of water from our fountain...

I'm exhausted. But I'm puttering myself back to stability. Once my little world gets back into bloom and order...well...then I'll be ready for another busy streak. It's the ebb and flow of life right now. I am blessed.

These are links to the photos I posted on facebook today. Hope this works!

"An Autumn Day" can be seen by pasting this into your browser: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2036517&id=1116654663&l=59c903824d

"Sailing on Lake Michigan" can be seen by pasting this into your browser: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2036516&id=1116654663&l=e9685b76a8

Ooooo...the coyotes are howling in the woods - another cool night sound. And Boomer just drew closer.

Good night my friends. The bubbles are calling.

Aging

Just as I was finishing up the kid's bag lunches at about 9:30 pm my cell phone rang. My mother in law was crying on the other end. "Come quick." My in laws live about 30 seconds away if I run. In our cul de sac, one house away, is a path through the woods to their house on the next block.

My father in law had pretzeled over his walker. He was literally folded in half. And not so coherent. I wrapped my arms under him, but rather than stand he just tipped forward onto me, with his legs folding in the wrong direction. He only weighs about 140 now, but his dead weight was too much for me. I asked my mother in law to call Anna.

Sweet Anna came running over and helped me to fold his feet under as we got him to kneel against his walker. His face smashed against the seat - he did not have the strength to hold it up. I put a pillow under his head, and we called 911. I knew his knees could not take it for long.

Two paramedics got him standing and then sitting. My mother in law was completely out of breath -she had struggled with him for 20 minutes before calling me. She had her third heart catheterization in a month last week. This was just not good.

She said he had taken his sleeping pill in the family room, and then gotten distracted, and then basically fell asleep walking. He is very weak and disoriented even on a good day.

My heart is heavy. I felt helpless. I can't fix anything.

Frank is in Turkey - if he had been here it would have been better. But that is not really a solution either.

I've been down this path before. It seems surreal to be going down it again.

Growing old is not for sissies. Neither is caring for aging parents.

My firstborn

Joey graduates this December with a degree in Molecular Biology from UW-Madison. Quite the accomplishment.

He wants to work in a lab, but lab jobs...well, ALL jobs...are hard to find. So you can imagine his excitement when he called last week to tell me he had an interview for a part time position at a lab. And then the text message: "Guess who just got hired as a lab assistant!"

YEAH. Thank you God! How VERY exciting.

Of course I called and got a few of the details. He was on the bus home, and didn't want to talk too much...

It's 16 hours a week for now, and more after graduation. They promised him full time by next summer. WOO HOO. I asked him what exactly he'd be doing.

His answer still makes me laugh. "I am going to be studying the sleep habits of flies." !!!!

That took me so off guard that I didn't even ask the obvious: WHY? I just enjoyed his excitement, and shared the moment.

I've been chuckling ever since. Joey is an extrovert with a capital E. I'm pretty sure he'll be waking those flies up on a regular basis... just for company. It will be interesting to hear how his first week went - might be time for a drive to Madison.

My baby

Frank is generally out the door before I get up in the morning, but I'm a pretty early riser myself. The kids usually see me showered and in my spot (Bible, journal and coffee) when they begin to stir. This morning I just lazed in bed - half awake - that dreamy zone of laziness which feels so decadent. I took the day off to recover from the week end.

Jake opened the door at 7:10 to let Boomer out - their morning routine of the "poop walk." He doesn't open my door all the way - just enough for Boomer to squeeze past. (I'm usually getting dressed by that point in the morning) But this morning he came down the hall to let Boomer back in to my room, too. And the door stayed ajar.

"Good morning," I said. It was all the invitation Jake needed. He uncharacteristically came in, and plopped himself down on the loveseat that faces our bed.

"Are you off today?"
"Yes!"
"Then can you drive me to football?"
"Sure."
"We're out of milk."
"Okay...put it on the list...I'm going to the store today."

And then...he just sat there for a few minutes. I asked him a few questions about his week end. We talked a bit about tonight's plans.

"Gotta go or I'll miss my bus..." And he was gone. I heard the front door slam.

That tiny exchange has filled this mother's heart. My big boy still needs me. He's 13, almost 14. 5 foot 7 and growing like a weed. Football player. Cool guy. But deep deep down...he still likes to know that his mama is home.

I'm so glad.

So Much for the Tiara...

God blessed (?) me with an amazing sense of smell. My family generally thinks I'm nuts as I search out smells that they are convinced are in my head...until they realize that what I *thought* I smelled...is really there.

Came into the house from the retreat this afternoon and immediately thought...hmmmm...something is amiss...

Tonight, after a bit of investigation, I discovered a mouse in a trap downstairs. He's been there a while. Whew. I love it when I solve the mystery... except...except... Frank is out of the country for another week, and I really don't want the kids knowing that we have mice, let alone that we KILL mice. (When one lives on a parkway, I'm not sure there is any possibility of not having visitors...and they have never ventured out of the east wall...except onto the windowsill of death...at least there are no droppings or evidence elsewhere...) Anyhow, I really couldn't ask the kids to climb up and reach onto the basement windowsill. I am the adult, after all.

And so

I got VERY brave. Donning my cleaning rubber gloves, and sucking in lungfulls of outside air before venturing down the stairs, I got the little stinker into a bag, trap and all. No, I was not about to reuse the trap. If Frank wants to save the 79 cents, then he should stop gallivanting off to exotic places like Turkey and Greece and check the ledge.

The air is cleaner. But that really was kinda creepy. Princesses should not have to empty mousetraps. I guess it's time to shelve the tiara...

Retreat

Just back from our annual women's retreat. Exhausted, yet so very content. We 21 women had a really fabulous time.

It it incredibly stretching to commit to such an undertaking...and yet I knew that God was ultimately the Coordinator. He allowed an amazing week end of worship, of fellowship, of learning...everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, was so incredibly receptive. Each woman appeared connected and content.

We discussed unity in the body of Christ (we are SISTAS), accepting one another in spite of differences, and treating each other like the princesses we are. We are daughters of the KING! Ephesians 1:2 in the Amplified Bible provided a focus word: undisturbedness. (LOVE that word!) We discussed how being right with God allows undisturbedness, which then allows us to receive His love and pour it out to our sistas. We discussed the enemy of our souls, and how he is prowling about planting trouble, trying to undo that peace. And finally, this morning, we learned that we need to trust God with the hard stuff. Pages of Bible verses accompanied the sessions which were based in the book of Ephesians.

We also did some scrapbooking of verse books (more on that later...), a group puzzle, some hiking and horse back riding, and a whole lotta eating. The weather was absolute perfection - sunny and 75 degrees. Our retreat center was perfect in that our meeting room, game room and sleeping rooms were all in one building, and we had it all to ourselves. And the campground - TimberLee Christian Center - surrounded us with 600 acres of beauty.

We bonded. We laughed. We cried. We sang. Some of us even slept!

Most surprising? How well the women took to tiaras from the dollar store. Photos will prove that those tiaras were on our heads ALL week end. It was amazing. The women I thought most likely to resist such silliness were the ones who had them on from sun up to sun down. Still makes me smile.

Most amazing? How God pulled all of the pieces together. I've noodled the basic topics for months, but had to trust A LOT for the final arrangement...definitely stretched me.

Favorite moment? Listening together to "What do I know of Holy?" by Addison Road. That song moves me.

Favorite spoiling? A room to myself. The "speaker's room." I slept 8 hours both nights with the help of a huge fan from home to provide white noise. My life has been on overdrive lately and it was such a JOY to sleeeeeeep.... and just lay on my bunk and think and pray...

All in all it was pretty close to as good as it could have been. The comment cards are amazing. Funny how a few people had no overt reactions to the sessions, but then wrote the most gracious and moving comments. Such lovely rewards for the efforts invested - their appreciative words. It is so gratifying to know that they heard God speak.

For over a decade I've facetiously commented that when I grow up I want to be a retreat speaker.

It just might happen!

The Bliss Zone

Three day week end with NO plans. Is there anything better?

Sitting in my spot surrounded by books to study for class and for the upcoming women's retreat. Twenty one of us will be in East Troy Wisconsin next week end to enjoy nature, enjoy one another and to grow closer to God.

The topic I've chosen is "unity." This stems from my almost desperate need of the support and friendship of Christian women. My observation is that some women don't enter in. While there are likely a myriad of reasons, one is insecurity. Feeling left out. Not included. Lonely. Perhaps hurt from prior poor encounters. And so we will talk about how to grow together as women - what we need from each other as far as trust, understanding, accountability, breathing space, and that key: the ability to allow one another to be different from ourselves. Grace. We need to extend grace to one another. Christian fellowship is such a gift from God. I'm passionate that every woman at least knows it is out there!

Frank went to Starbucks and got me the latest: Pumpkin Spice Nonfat Latte, using half pumpkin and half sugar free vanilla. (saves half the sugar) Venti. WHAT a treat.

Bliss. I'm savoring the bliss. I'm setting up the kind of day I love: Puttering. Studying. Snipping at the garden. Folding clothes. Planning food for the week. Breathing. Praying.

I'm almost in tears just writing it. August was a FABULOUSLY exhausting month, but I'm depleted to my core. Today is just what my God has ordered. Thank you to my Deliverer.