Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's because the people around me are all so busy talking that there's no point in adding to the noise. I'm pretty sure it's because having someone understand the deep stuff takes too much time. And who has that? Perhaps it's because I know that the Holy Spirit within is always present, always listening, always watching...and when I journal or pray, or just sit and think, I know that I am understood. Nudged to change, but understood. It is comforting to remember that I never have to explain myself to God. He knows already.
It's an odd place to be. An odd place to which to be gravitating. I've begun to give up on being fully understood. Is is lonely? Maybe, but actually...not really. There's sort of a wisdom in it. A freedom. Explaining yourself is exhausting. And disappointing. Frustrating. It's calmer to just...not even try. And to remember...God knows. That's all I need.
My favorite thought from Ephesians is in chapter one, verse 2. I love it in the Amplified Bible. In fact, the retreat was based in total on this concept in verse two:
May grace (God’s unmerited favor) and spiritual peace [which means peace with God and harmony, unity, and undisturbedness] be yours from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 1:2 (AMP)
There it is. UNDISTURBEDNESS. That word is just so magnetic. I am drawn to undisturbedness. Explaining myself, defending myself, spending time and energy to be understood...well...it can be disturbing. Which goes against this new goal of mine: living in undisturbedness.
Last night I curled up on the couch, listened to the rain and read The Story of Christianity by Justo L. Gonzalez. Great book. It is assigned reading yet so interesting. I've fallen behind, so I'm comparing my class notes as I read, and it's all coming together - the story line of history - His story.
Anyhow, it made me smile to read of Monasticism.
The very word "monk" derives from the Greek monachos, which means "solitary." One of the driving motivations for the early monks was the search for solitude. Society, with its noise and many activities, was seen as a temptation and a distraction from the monastic goal. p 138.
But then later I read that their wisdom made monks sought after - and they kept having to flee from people pursuing them. There's irony in that. But their wisdom also made some proud...and that temptation overtook them even as they overcame so many others. I've experienced this - the pride of some who think they've *arrived.* The feeling of being judged by them. (which can lead to explaining myself and well...the cycle begins...)
And so, here I sit, contemplating undisturbedness. What changes must occur to live there more? A lot have already occurred. I have much less interest in things and crowds. TV is something that truly holds NO interest to me - it's just too full of yuk that fills my brain and then requires the effort of purging it again. Don't worry, I'm still very interested in EXPERIENCES so I'm not quite a monk yet. Nature is such a huge part of my contentment - there's such peace in the rhythm of nature. God and I meet in the garden. I loved reading of how
some [monks] planted gardens, but most of them earned their living weaving baskets and mats that they then traded for bread and oil. Apart from the ready availability of reeds, this occupation had the advantage that while weaving one could pray, recite a psalm, or memorize a portion of Scripture. p 143 Love that.
Yesterday in my Bible reading I was reading of the woman who poured expensive perfume on Jesus and washed his feet with her hair and tears. In Luke 8:30 (AMP) Jesus tells her, "Your faith has saved you; go (enter) into peace [in freedom from all the distresses that are experienced as the result of sin.]"
That's another piece - a big piece - of the state of Undisturbedness. Freedom from the all the distresses that sin brings. All the nagging doubts, the tangled webs, the explaining, the justifying. Honestly, there is a whole lot of disturbedness served up in enticing packages, isn't there? And it's not all sin. Some is just encumbrance. Choosing the best over the good. Eliminating the extra baggage. The weight of stuff that bogs me down.
It's a rainy, cool Monday morning. The first day of fall. I'm contemplating the peace of undisturbedness even as I look at a week that includes overnight travel and lots of schmoozing at work events. Wow. Life is so full of choices, options, good things in varied packages. How to live a contemplative life in a clamoring world? This morning hour is a start. And after that I just need to buckle up and dive in. He will reveal what I need as we proceed into this day together. He already knows. And He understands me, and just what makes me purr. When I look at it from that perspective, it gives me reason to anticipate His solutions...and to walk confidently, as well as contemplatively, into my day.
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