Father's Day

After Frank's aunt's funeral last Saturday we drove 4+ hours north to visit our 20 year old, Emily, at Crescent Lake Bible Camp. She had just finished her first week of campers, having had 11 nine and ten year olds in her cabin. She told us it was an amazing week, and she looked forward to a QUIET evening. All six of us were together, likely the only time this summer, and we did have a great overnight. Pizza out, and then cards and swimming at the hotel.

The next morning we readied for church and off we went. Emily introduced us to her camp friends, as this is the church where they all attend.

Everything was well until the offertory. The piano began a rendition of Faith of our Fathers, the old hymn, and I lost it. I was *almost* sobbing. It had not really occurred to me before then that it was Father's Day. That hymn flooded me with memories, especially of family reunions in Iowa where my dad and his three brothers would sing it.

Emily put her arm around me, moved closer and put her head on my shoulder. It was such a sweet and tender moment. The wave of grief passed quickly, and I dried my eyes and the service went on.

Our Emily Joy is truly an amazement to me. Of all our children, she was the one most difficult to relate to, although never giving us a problem. We just didn't connect. But now, well now she is a comfort and a source of immense satisfaction for me. She is a reward of motherhood.

Twins

On Saturday morning we attended the funeral of my husband's mom's identical twin. 77 years old.

It's hard to know how my mother-in-law feels, as I do not have an identical twin. Imagine the grief of losing someone who has shared in each step of your life since the moment of conception.

At the wake on Friday, I was reading the bouquet ribbons: Beloved Wife, Cherished Mother, Dearest Grandmother...and then the one that turned on my tears: My Twin written in gold on a light pink ribbon, attached to a huge bouquet of summer blooms.

Barbara and Mary talked on the phone every day. Each morning they would compare schedules, and each evening, late, they'd compare days. They'd each do the daily crossword in the paper and then compare answers. They never lived more than 5 miles apart. They had their babies in the same years. They had the same friends...lifetime friends since they grew up here in the Milwaukee area.

Barbara, my mother-in-law, was the last eulogy at the funeral. She traveled up to the podium slowly with her walker, and clearly and succinctly paid tribute to her best friend in the world. There was not a dry eye to be found.

Before closing the casket, before the funeral, she walked up to her sister's body and said, "Well Mary, I guess this is it..." and then broke down.

I simply can't imagine.

Is that helpful?

TravelSmith emails me regularly with their tempting array of travel worthy comfortable clothes.

This item, on a clearance flyer, made me laugh out loud.

Does anyone really think it would be helpful to have 39 pockets in a jacket? It would take me half an hour to find my keys...

Grieving

Time moves on.

Little things make me sad, and the tears seem to come a bit more often these days. Of course now I am grieving the loss of the family structure as well. Our home has been the hub...but...no more.

I have finally finished the finances, and finished the *many* thank you's from the funeral and memorials, and now it's just odd little stuff:

• His clothes need to go to Goodwill.
• The photo albums need to be put back away - about 40 of them came out for my siblings to look through - my mom was the premiere scrapbooker. I emptied the bookshelf in the family room, and put them there. They are still there.
• The display photos that I kept in a big tub titled "Funeral" for the 5 years since my mom's death - what do I do with them now?
• The *big* portrait of the two of them that hung in his room...I can't throw that out, can I?
• I keep getting the mail...mostly advertisements... and ministry updates...mailed to his name at my address. I painstakingly write "deceased" and return to sender. Amazing how hard it is to write that 8 letter word.
• The banking is done. I closed our joint account. I remember opening it 8.5 years ago...it was so amazing to think that I was the keeper of my parent's funds. It was overwhelming, although not so large a job in reality. 3 years in assisted living and 5 years in skilled nursing took care of every penny. Both of them felt at home right until the end - they were in lovely facilities. Thank God.

Time moves on. While the work of the last 6 weeks is winding down, the emotions seem to be winding up.

Grief is an interesting path.

Woman Reading in a Garden; a painting by Mary Cassatt in 1880

If it EVER WARMS UP IN WISCONSIN...this will be me...

Hit "Pause"

Have you ever watched a movie so intense you needed to pause the movie, walk to the kitchen and simply get a grip on reality and the fact that the movie is just a movie? This has happened to me. Sometimes I close my eyes and remind myself...this is not real.

This morning I needed to "pause" life: to pull back, shut my eyes, recite what I know is true, and to review the blessings of the life I have been given. Most mornings I need to do just that - come away and let God open my eyes to the eternal and to what is really important. Reorder me. Re prioritize my thoughts and level my emotions.

I'm reading at the end of Matthew 3, where John the Baptist is baptising Jesus.

Matthew 3:16 (NASB95)

After being baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water;

and behold, the heavens were opened,

and he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove and lighting on Him,

Many commentators think that the "he" should be "He"...that Jesus looked up and saw heaven. Beth Moore describes it as "...the Father opened up the sky like a window, and showed Christ the vision through it." Isn't that an amazing word picture? I'm imagining a double hung - a piece of sky that blends right in, and suddenly God lifts it up and heaven is behind it. Or a big zipper - God unzips it and the Glory behind the sky is revealed.

Hebrews 11 recounts the giants of the faith and reveals how they viewed themselves:

Hebrews 11:13

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises,

but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance,

and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.

Some days I feel more like a stranger and an exile than on other days. It's comforting to know that that IS the reality for a Christian - we should not feel too comfortable here, and we should expect to be misunderstood just as Christ was. THAT is reality.

And so, we need to remember to "pause" the movie of our life, the here and now, the temporary, and look up - look for the stabilizing reality that this is not our eternal destination. I love that God reminded His Son of the prize - gave Him a peek of heaven, a reminder, as Jesus began His earthly ministry. And I love that God affirmed His Son as recorded in John 3:17 "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."

Lord, may I be still enough for Your Spirit to land as a dove on my shoulder,
May I look to You often enough to see a glimpse of the prize as revealed in Your Word,
and may I hear you whisper,
for any tiny victory over sin and self that I might manage,
"Grace, my beloved, in that I am well pleased."

Once my vision is aligned with His, I can press PLAY again - knowing that whatever scenes might unfold in this crazy mixed up blessed life journey - they can be paused again at any time for a heart to heart with the Director. As long as He's for me, who can stand against me? (Romans 8:31)

God's Hands

Awoke with this picture in my mind. I don't draw a lot, but quickly sketched this in my journal as a visual reminder. I need to heave that bag of garbage and hurt right into God's willing and capable hands. It's too big for me to carry. Amen.

The Sound of Rushing Water

The sound of water is my favorite sound. When we were in Colorado last summer the mountains were magnificent, but it was the Colorado River and Clear Creek that drew me. And the waterfalls. That magnificent sound of rushing water.

The little noise machine by my bed, which I turn on when my husband stays up later than me or gets up earlier than me - the white noise - is the sound of waves hitting the shore. The magnificent sound of rushing water.

When I slept at the hospital with my dad when he was in intensive care, I needed white noise to overcome the continual hub bub of that department. Online I found white noise of ocean waves - it played in 3 hour increments. (I googled "white noise"...)

I've recently lamented to my husband, "I haven't heard the ocean since April of 2007..." We usually go to Florida for spring break, but it did not happen this year. The crashing waves soothe me.

Yesterday I found, in looking through old scrapbooks still laying about since the funeral, a poem my mother wrote about leaving the ocean when she moved from Vancouver, British Columbia to Madison, Wisconsin. I knew my love for words was inherited, but when I read that poem and imagined that grief...I felt a new bond.

This morning, taking extra time to snuggle in with my Savior, Beth Moore's study took me to Revelation 1 and this description of Jesus there:

Revelation 1:14-17 (NASB95)

14 His head and His hair were white like white wool, like snow; and His eyes were like a flame of fire.15 His feet were like burnished bronze, when it has been made to glow in a furnace, and His voice was like the sound of many waters.16 In His right hand He held seven stars, and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword; and His face was like the sun shining in its strength.17 When I saw Him, I fell at His feet like a dead man. And He placed His right hand on me, saying, “Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last,

Beth quoted," Your voice is like the sound of cascading waters,..." - love that choice of words. The New Living Translation states, "...and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves."

This God of ours is so amazing. John penned these words that God now used as a personal hug just for me today in this very moment. To think that the sound that most mesmerizes me on this whole incredible planet is the sound that describes His voice. Goosebumps.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. One of my siblings, in his grief, has turned on me and is coming quite undone. My heart aches. The family is unravelling.

But Jesus is here, and His voice is flowing right to the tender spots. He is always Enough.

Strengths Finder

Next week end I am taking a one credit class entitled, "Personal Assessment." The course description is "Receive assistance in personal assessment of character, leadership and learning styles, gifts, and ministry and relational skills as it relates to your vocational calling."

I can't wait! It involves writing a life line which makes up 70 percent of the grade. The description is, " Your Life Line assignment summarizes the providential work of God in your life using a process outlined in Life Line: An Exercise in Spiritual Biography. This process
explores your development up until the present. The assignment has a number of components that comprise the total Life Line assignment."

I think I'm going to love this. The class is only Friday night and all day Saturday, but then we have a month to write up all the parts of the life line.

Tonight I did another part of the class - an online StrengthFinder test. There were 170 (?) questions with continuums of answers and you had 20 seconds to mark your spot on the continuum. It took about 30 minutes. The website generates a report on your top five themes which you can then read about in the textbook.

My top five themes, in order, with the descriptors that pop out at me, are:

1. Strategic. The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. Trust your intuitive insights as often as possible. Even though you might not be able to explain them rationally, your intuitions are created by a brain that instinctively anticipates and projects. Have confidence in these perceptions.

2. Maximizer. Excellence, not average, is your measure. You don't want to spend your time bemoaning what you lack. Rather, you want to capitalize on the gifts with which you are blessed. It's more fun. It's more productive.

3. Belief. You have certain core values that are enduring. Belief theme causes you to be family oriented, altruistic, spiritual and to value responsibility and high ethics - in yourself and others. Core values give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige.

4. Responsibility. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done.

5. Activator. Guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done.

By the way, all 34 themes are positive. That's why it is called STRENGTH finder.

So, do you think the test has me pegged?

The Religious Right Didn't Kill George Tiller

This is an effective and succinct article from the Wall Street Journal about the *left's* accusations that all of us conservative Chr1stianz are responsible for this senseless murder. I really appreciate this article: The Religious Right Didn't Kill George Tiller.

Murder is senseless and wrong. Whether at 9 months gestation, 1 day gestation or at age 60. Murder is not ever a solution.

Pass the butter...

Um...

Regarding that previous post about the chives ...if you were going to stop by for a baked potato...you may want to hold off until after a hard rain...

Boomer thought the chives were a bush...

Sigh.

Quiet bliss

On Memorial Day I moved a chair from the screen porch into the sun right outside the porch. This has been a cool spring, and the mornings and evenings require a sweatshirt and a spot in the sun.
There's a lovely bench to hold the gear, and the chair swivels so I could put my feet up and stay a while.

The bottom two photos are what I could see from my vantage point.



Quiet time bliss.

Now in bloom...

The irises are currently in their glory - the purple ones have joined the white ones which began blooming a few days ago. Each bloom lasts only a day, which seems a shame - they are so beautiful. These ones were transplanted from my mother's yard to our old house and now here. They are HARDY.

I have no idea what this little plant is. The stalk/trunk is woody like a bush, and it is under two feet tall. This year it is in full bloom! It has not grown much in size in the two years we've lived here, and this is the first year of blooms - last year it had some orange buds which never developed. It survived our harsh winter, and the leaves are thick and waxy like a succulent. Does anyone have any guesses?

Herbs

Today I dug out a new garden in the corner of the tiers by our kitchen patio door. The previous owner of our home added landscape beams and created tiers all around our home which makes for interesting vistas and difficult mowing!

Anyhow, this is now the kitchen herb garden. Still left the lemon verbena, the spearmint and the lemon balm in their containers for this year, as I'm afraid they'll take over the whole space. Added some "spicy basil" and "cinnamon basil" from the garden center along with a large chunk of chives from a friend's garden. the edge of mulch all around is for easier moving around the rocks. There already was a tiny bush in the corner - that's still there...with a garden angel flying over the space.

The plan is that I will walk out the patio door and clip some fresh herbs while I cook or when I make beverages. Sounds good in theory.

What do you do with chives other than clip them onto a baked potato with sour cream? Any ideas out there?

Garden Updates

Decided to document what is in bloom when and make a garden journal of sorts. I'll share the photos here too.

First was the purple phlox - which came back in ABUNDANCE this year.

This next photo is also the front entryway, with a few annuals now planted there as well. The phlox is perennial, and we have it in various places all over the yard. It is a beacon of spring. Annuals are not safe to plant until Memorial Day week end. Our Wisconsin weather is just too unpredictable.

Last year I planted a Bleeding Heart. It must *love* its location, because it is thriving! Bloom time is about the first of May.

The violets were transplanted last year to a protected spot, as the deer loved them! These are precious to me as they were originally from my mom's front entry. She was not a gardener per se, but had irises, violets and tomatoes! This year my violets bloomed on her birthday, May 7th.

The irises are just beginning. The white ones, transplanted from my friend Vicky's garden, are called "immortality." The purple ones are not open yet..they have been transplanted twice - originally from my mom's garden in Madison, WI.

Immortality bloom time? Today! May 29th.

These wild geraniums are a hardy ground cover with lovely blooms a couple times per season. They were transplanted from my friend Jodi's garden. You can see the pot of Lemon Verbena in the background! This photo was also taken just this morning.

I just love the rhythm of the garden - one of the blessings of Wisconsin is the cycle of all four distinct seasons. Spring has to be my favorite - new birth and the revival of what looked to be lost...

Spearmint

This year our garden contains a few edibles. Since the deer visit most evenings (scared one away from the feeders again last night - inches from her as I whispered "shoo!" she just kept munching...until I started to further open the window. Then she moseyed away) I can't have a vegetable garden unless I want a fence - which I don't. But next to the screen porch is a barrel with a "patio tomato" plant in it, and two variations of cilantro. And in other pots I have Spearmint, Lemon Balm and Lemon Verbena. I learned (the hard way) that these herbs are VIGOROUS and spread everywhere and throughout everything - thus the pots this year.

I love mojitos, but don't especially need the alcohol nor the sugar. My "mojito garden" this year is for iced tea: with Splenda, Lemon Verbena and Spearmint it is quite incredible, and a great summer refresher.

I do make quasi mojitos too. I soak mint sprigs in lime juice in the fridge. When I'm ready for refreshment, I strain an inch of lime juice into my glass and add Fresca and a splash of rum. What a FABULOUS sugar free beverage for a summer evening. It's as good as a margarita without all the sugar and calories. The rum is just for the tinge of flavor - alcohol puts me to sleep - I am a VERY wimpy drinker.

Just clipping the mint sends my senses soaring - rubbing it in my hands emits the most amazing aroma. An automatic lift.

I'm enjoying my mint. Today it's just floating in my hot tea. Simple Pleasures.

The Journey

Still reading For the Tough Times by Max Lucado. Love these quotes:

The wolf cannot get to the sheep without the permission of the Shepherd, and the Shepherd will only permit the attack if, in the long term, the pain is worth the gain. (p.44)

Luke 22:31-32 (NASB95)

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail;

and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”

The purpose of this test is to provide a testimony for the church. Jesus was allowing [Simon]Peter to experience a trial so he could encourage his brothers. Perhaps God is doing the same with you. God knows that the church needs living testimonies of his power. Your difficulty, your disease, your conflict are preparing you to be a voice of encouragement to your brothers. (p. 44)

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NASB95)

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man;

and God is faithful,

who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able,

but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also,

so that you will be able to endure it.

I needed to read this today.

God Does Things Like That

Yesterday afternoon my mother-in-law called me at work in a panic. Her twin sister is failing, and the nursing home where she is in rehabilitation care had called to say my mother-in-law might want to come. I'm not sure of the initial diagnosis, but our 76 year old aunt has deteriorated since her hospitalization in November. She has moved from hospital to rehab and back a few times, and is unlikely to make it back home. She and my mother in law have severe asthma, and our aunt now appears to have pneumonia for the third time this year. She has MRSA, and no pancreas - lost that over 5 years ago when it filled with tumors, and honestly, I don't know what else she all has. Many battles. The loss of a pancreas makes her a brittle diabetic which complicates everything.

I took my mother-in-law to the nursing home. It's not the type of place I planned to be just one month after my dad's funeral. Our cousins were huddled discussing options and making phonecalls to other siblings. It was a bit too familiar. It's time to make the call of moving her back to a hospital setting for treatment or leaving her in palliative comfort care. Our aunt is not fully cognizant, the infection and the medications taking over her normally lucid mind. My mother-in-law sat at the end of the bed and tried to make conversation with her beloved sister. Our cousins sought my advice. It seemed too soon to discuss my weeks in intensive care and to recall all the difficult decisions. And yet my recent path made me a resource in their time of grief.

Today I bought a book for a sister in Christ who wrote to tell me she is struggling. I went to the Christian bookstore to pick up our new Bible study guide, and on the $5 deal table was Max Lucado's small book entitled, For the Tough Times: Reaching Toward Heaven for Hope.

Just now I was previewing it, and I came upon an interesting quote: "Or consider Moses, watching flocks in the wilderness. Is this what he intended to do with his life? His heart beats with Jewish blood. His passion is to lead the slaves, so why does God have him leading sheep?...Who would have thought that God was giving Moses forty years of wilderness training in the very desert through which he would lead the people?...God does things like that."

I thought I bought this book for a sister, but God is already speaking to me through it. God does things like that.

God has taken me through an 8.5 year desert journey with my parents - an experience that gives me the empathy and understanding to walk beside others on their similar paths. God does things like that.

I can't tell you the number of times I have been able to open the doors of opportunity at work because I could talk intelligently with senior living administrators about housing options, and tell them of my experience in trying to find the right housing options for my parents. I moved them half a dozen times in 2 years as they travelled rapidly through the stages of care, and now I work for an architecture firm that designs Senior Living spaces. God does things like that.

I'm in a significant desert still, with no oasis in sight. But God is still on His throne. I am not forgotten. This wilderness has a purpose too. I need to keep reminding myself.

Just yesterday I wrote in my journal: "If I was not experiencing xxx, I may not have pursued God as I have." Would I trade the path that has brought me to this place of intimacy with God? That is a very hard question. I'd like to think that I'm deep enough to wildly pursue God even in blessing, but I'm not sure... Are there any effective people of faith who have gotten there through a life of ease?

Psalm 11:3-4
"When all that is good falls apart,
what can good people do?"
The LORD is in his holy temple;
the LORD sits on his throne in heaven.

"His [David the psalmist's] point is unmistakable: God is unaltered by our storms. He is undeterred by our problems. He is unfrightened by these problems. He is in his holy temple. He is on his throne in heaven.
"Buildings may fall, careers may crumble, but God does not. Wreckage and rubble have have never discouraged him. God has always turned tragedy into triumph." -Max Lucado

Trend Setter

From The Wa*ll Street Journal:

The roller-coaster stock market and plunging housing prices have left many consumers afraid. In response, marketers are adopting a softer approach to peddling their wares, playing up comforting images in their ads and focusing on family and the warmth and safety of home.

Some marketers are even reviving old advertising to remind consumers of happier times.

On Monday, Pillsbury, a unit of General Mills, launched a brand campaign about the pleasures of staying in. Dubbed "Home Is Calling," the campaign includes television, print, online and other ads. They feature a variety of characters -- a businessman, a young boy in a library and a woman at a train station -- who click their heels, envisioning a way to get home and eat with their friends and loved ones.

"The economy is so frightening," says Juliana Chugg, president of Pillsbury. "This campaign is an opportunity for us to represent hope in a time when people are feeling scared. To be able to connect home and values like safety, security, warmth and love at home really resonates."

Amid wide-spread economic woes, marketers are ratcheting up images of family and the warmth and safety of home.

I watch trends in the marketing part of my job. This new focus on HOME is a bit ironic. Give the nation everything it's ever wanted and more, then turn the economy upside down, and now sell with a focus on home. Home IS where the heart is - always has been. Perhaps we're catching up with ourselves.

Now to find an article on the trend of turning to God...

Sweet Spot

I love the term "sweet spot." I remember it first from tennis - how the ball sailed just perfectly if you hit it on the sweet spot of the racket. I read it in terms of life a couple years ago in the book, Cure for the Common Life: Living in Your Sweet Spot by Max Lucado. He talked about finding the sweet spot where God meant for us to live. I love it.

Today was a sweet spot day. Great time in the Word this morning, reading Hosea for my new class. Came upon this phrase in the New Living Translation:

I will return her vineyards to her and transform

the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.

Hosea 2:14 NLT

That verse really REALLY lifted my spirits. Bye bye emotional storm clouds. My Valley of Trouble will be transformed into a gateway of hope. God loves me THAT much, and He is THAT capable and THAT reliable. I am waiting and soon I will see.

Anyhow, after transferring that and other verses onto index cards and scrap booking them a bit (more on that later) I went into my day with a much needed attitude adjustment.

The rest of the day was spent digging dirt and compost into the garden, planting beauty into our front entry way, dealing with the yard of mulch and half yard of stone delivered at noon, and generally enjoying the outdoors and some physical labor. That is a VERY sweet spot. Don't you just feel better stretching and sweating and really and truly working your body? Mine gets so soft and flabby in the winter. And yes, right now my 46 year old muscles ACHE and my bones are creaking, but you know what? My body feels alive.

The front courtyard was my focus today, and if I do say so myself, it's looking spectacular. This is our second spring here, and it is so gratifying to see the perennials thriving. Last year I planted a smallish bleeding heart, and this year it is GINORMOUS. I'll take photos tomorrow. The secret is the very *fragrant* (smelly) compost that we bring home free from the dump. The yardwaste we bring in is transformed into dirty gold - it is PRICELESS to the garden when dug in each spring.

After about 6 hours of non stop physical labor I re-showered, and sweet Sue arrived for grilled burgers and margaritas. Let the summer roll. After she left I got into my jammies (a definite sweet spot) and wrote a long overdue email. A sister needed encouragement and I wrote to her of how God ministers to me when I'm in the dumps. And now, here I am...writing again.

My life has some really big challenges. And I'm figuring out that I have to fight the emotional train wrecks that my mother fought. Thankfully I have my father's base personality and emotions, but I have a monstrous dose of female hormones added to that as well as my mother's propensity for the blues. It's a constant battle for me.

And so...my sweet spot. Time in the garden sweating and creating beauty. And marveling, after two years here, that God gave us this home. Some of you may think I'm bragging, but I'm not. I'm marveling. I longed for a different home for years and years and years, and thought it would never happen. But in God's PERFECT timing my husband relented and at THAT time this house went on the market. Any earlier and we wouldn't be HERE...in the home God had planned just for us. (my husband totally agrees that it is right for us -we're within a one minute walk of his parents which is SO handy for them) It's a rather modest ranch home, especially by today's standards, and yet every nook and cranny screams "grace." The yard, the woods, the birds, the opportunity for sweat and toil, and the beauty all around - it just feeds me, comforts me, and draws me back into the blessings of life from the funks that seem ever present.

And so, I am in my sweet spot. Sweet spots come and go...but...when you find one, it's time to CELEBRATE it, and MAXIMIZE its potential for good in your life! And of course, attribute it to the ONE who can take our valleys of trouble and turn them into gateways of hope. YEAH GOD.

Good night. Now it's time for Sweet (spot) Dreams.