His Eye is on the Sparrow

why should I feel discouraged

and why should the shadows come

why should my heart feel lonely

and long for heaven and home

when Jesus is my portion

a constant friend is He

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches over me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches over me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

He watches me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches

I know He watches,

I know He watches me.

This song has been in my mind almost constantly in the last two weeks. What comfort it brings to me. My favorite part? "A constant friend is He."

Just now I wanted to find the writer of the song, so I looked up Wikipedia. There was an amazing amount of information...I've included some of it below.

My favorite version is by Selah. If you have itunes, you may want to download it. It is so so soothing.

I've just this morning figured it out on guitar. A dear "sista" is in the hospital with a scary diagnosis. I'm planning to sing it to her tonight, as she is likely in need of the reminder.

From Wikipedia:

"His Eye Is on the Sparrow" is a Gospel hymn. Although today it is a staple of African-American worship services, the song was originally written in 1905 by two white songwriters, lyricist Civilla D. Martin and composer Charles H. Gabriel. The song is most associated with actress-singer Ethel Waters who used the title for her autobiography.

The song has been performed extensively in Gospel music with notable versions by The Soul Stirrers, Shirley Caesar, Crystal Lewis, Marvin Gaye (from In Loving Memory), Kirk Franklin & the Family, Lauryn Hill & Tanya Blount (from Sister Act 2), Mahalia Jackson, Sister Rosetta Tharpe, Dottie West, and Barbara Mandrell. Jessica Simpson recorded the song for her 2001 album Irresistible. Recent jazz artists who recorded the song include the George Adams-Don Pullen Quartet (1984), the Scott Amendola Band (2002), and by Jessi Colter, on her new album, "Out of the Ashes" (2006).

[edit]Inspiration

The theme of the song is inspired by the words of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew in the Bible, as referenced by Mrs. Doolittle in Elmira, NY .

Chapter 6:26
²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

Chapter 10:29-31.
²⁹ Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.
³⁰ But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
³¹ Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Civilla Martin, who wrote the lyrics, said this about her inspiration to write the song based in the scriptures outlined above,

Early in the spring of 1905, my hus band and I were so journ ing in El mi ra, New York. We con tract ed a deep friend ship for a cou ple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doo lit tle—true saints of God. Mrs. Doo lit tle had been bed rid den for nigh twen ty years. Her hus band was an in cur a ble crip ple who had to pro pel him self to and from his bus i ness in a wheel chair. De spite their af flict ions, they lived hap py Christ ian lives, bring ing in spir a tion and com fort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doo lit tles, my hus band com ment ed on their bright hope ful ness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doo lit tle’s re ply was sim ple: "His eye is on the spar row, and I know He watch es me." The beau ty of this simple ex press ion of bound less faith gripped the hearts and fired the imag in a tion of Dr. Mar tin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Spar row" was the out come of that ex per i ence.

-- Civilla Martin

Whew

Just in case you are having a hard time sleeping because you're wondering if I'm going to make it through my History of Christianity class, I thought I'd relieve your mind. I *might* make it.

We have no class next week, but I'm not telling anybody. That way I can go somewhere and study for the three hours. In two weeks we have a quiz. And in three weeks the mid term.

Yesterday a client moved our presentation to a hospital board FROM October 21, the mid term night. I wanted to kiss him, but felt that was inappropriate. Taking the exam with my class, rather than making special arrangements, is a major relief. Choreographing a major presentation at work AND studying for a mid term... over the top. The presentation is now in November. Thank God.

Then tonight the professor gave us the study guide, (THREE weeks before the exam!!) and said the words that make my heart sing: if the topic is not on the study guide, it's not on the exam. AND...it's 30 multiple choice and 20 true/false. WOO HOO. Relief is flooding my entire list-loving being.

Why do I want A's so bad? Well... that's the perfectionist. And bragging rights to my two college kids... Why will I study like a crazy person to connect the dots between the three page list of people and events that we need to know? Because I really want to understand the linkages, as well as do well on the test. But the way my brain works is that now that the pressure is off I will absorb much better. I'm funny that way...

I think I could pass an objective test even now. I do pay attention and write zillions of notes.

I am much relieved. You likely don't care at all, except that the next time you see me I won't look *quite* so stressed.

Further good news is that we ARE having class on Thanksgiving Eve. Why is that good? Because the alternative was to extend ANOTHER WEEK into December. Having a final exam on December 16 is every mother's (and her family's) nightmare.

Again...you don't care. 'Cept you love me...that's why you're here.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams. -graciered

Door County

Doing much better tonight. The house is more in order, the soup was good, the kids are content, Boomer is curled up at my feet. My little world is getting back into place.

Until tomorrow... when I will head to Whitehall, Wisconsin and then to Eau Claire. Thankfully I'm going with two coworkers, so I can curl up in the back seat and study. Hours of study. yeah!

Here is the link to photos of Door County. Paste this in your browser.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2037420&id=1116654663&l=917cba0af2

Good night. I'm going to watch the season premier of "House." I can't remember the last time I watched TV...need some vegging.

Out and About

A friend just sent me this photo which she snapped on the retreat. I was sneaking off to a gazebo in the woods to study when she spotted me and called my name...

I've been spending a lot of time in the woods lately. I love that. In fact, I've been blessed with a lot of travel - for fun and for work. In fact, I'm exhausted.

When we arrived home from Door County last night I had a melt down. It was aimed at no one in particular, but I just melted down. Anna had a busy week end herself, with Homecoming game Friday, Homecoming dance Saturday, and a Marching Band competition on Sunday. [Frank and I REALLY needed to reconnect, so, yes, we chose to miss all that when the neighbors invited us to a getaway at their DC home...] She and Jake had picked up Chinese food for Sunday dinner, and the remains were all over the table and counter. Jake had made macaroni at some point...those dishes were there too. The garbage was overflowing, the week end chores were not done, it was pouring rain as we unloaded the groceries we had stopped to buy, blah blah blah. Thus the melt down - reality was simply too much.

So, I went to bed. For those of you who have not learned this yet, going to sleep really DOES change the main thing: your perspective. 8 hours later I awoke to a new day and the energy to start to get it done, one item at a time.

Started on the couch. God sets my priorities.

Next I made the rotten undeserving children scrambled eggs, hot cinnamon rolls and slices of orchard fresh apples. They scarfed it down so quick that I decided that further cooking seemed necessary. I boiled chicken for soup and browned up a couple pounds of hamburger for spaghetti and chili later in the week. The deboned chicken is now in the crock pot, simmering away to yumminess along with sauteed onions, celery and garlic and a bag of shredded broccoli and carrots. When I get home from a couple hours of catch up time at work [can't take my normal Monday off due to travel tomorrow ] I'll make noodles. I'm going to get bread going in the bread machine too.

Cleaned all the dishes. Scraped the stove interior, and it is on the cleaning cycle now, right next to the humming dishwasher. Even went overboard and organized the Tupperware closet and rearranged in there. I had just had ENOUGH of living with "just enough" to keep the house going. Once in a while I simply implode, and what I really need then is a good fix of nesting. Beware of the white tornado.

Home truly is where my heart is. I'm starting to dream of age 50 plus... I hope to have my degree done, and the last one off to college... hoping to step out of the hamster wheel and into more ministry. More writing. More speaking. I'm just not a corporate America kinda gal, even with a PLUM flexible part time job. If only someone would pay me to stay home. Oh...and please throw in a company car.

I love that picture. I look pretty happy sneaking off with my bag of books to get caught up emotionally and spiritually. Thankfully I have been consistent with my hour each morning...I can't imagine life without that. More melt downs would definitely be occurring!

This has been an excellent Monday morning. Just in from a brisk walk with Boomer. A nap is sounding good... sigh. Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go, thanking God for the flexibility to take a half day in light of the occasional melt down.

Just part of being human I guess.

Quote of the Day

My *google* homepage is personalized, and one section is "Quote of the Day."

Today's quote:

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
- John le Carre

There is such truth to that, on a human level. But never forget for El Roi: the God who sees. He sees it all, He hears it all, He goes through every moment of every day right alongside each of us.

Comforting, isn't it?

Church History Jeopardy

Tonight in class we played Jeopardy. For the whole 3 hours. Honest.

We had two teams. We alternated. It was timed. If team A could not get the question, then team B had a shot, and then it reverted to team A open book.

If this subject matter reflects the mid term exam, I am sunk. Although I was a star on the team in the "revert" phase - I'm fast with an index and all my notes.

On one hand, I've learned a ton. On the other hand, since I started with zero knowledge of history and geography, I'm feeling a bit... remedial. I'm not used to feeling quite this... clueless.

I'm now reading my textbook each night. No cramming allowed. There is no way to speed read hundreds of pages of names, dates and facts. It's time to add index cards, too.

Whew. I'm overwhelmed.

Anticipation

1 Corinthians 2:9 (AMP)
But, on the contrary, as the Scripture says,

What eye has not seen

and ear has not heard

and has not entered into the heart of man,

[all that] God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him

[who hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed].

Contemplative

I'm becoming more contemplative.

Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's because the people around me are all so busy talking that there's no point in adding to the noise. I'm pretty sure it's because having someone understand the deep stuff takes too much time. And who has that? Perhaps it's because I know that the Holy Spirit within is always present, always listening, always watching...and when I journal or pray, or just sit and think, I know that I am understood. Nudged to change, but understood. It is comforting to remember that I never have to explain myself to God. He knows already.

It's an odd place to be. An odd place to which to be gravitating. I've begun to give up on being fully understood. Is is lonely? Maybe, but actually...not really. There's sort of a wisdom in it. A freedom. Explaining yourself is exhausting. And disappointing. Frustrating. It's calmer to just...not even try. And to remember...God knows. That's all I need.

My favorite thought from Ephesians is in chapter one, verse 2. I love it in the Amplified Bible. In fact, the retreat was based in total on this concept in verse two:

May grace (God’s unmerited favor) and spiritual peace [which means peace with God and harmony, unity, and undisturbedness] be yours from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 1:2 (AMP)

There it is. UNDISTURBEDNESS. That word is just so magnetic. I am drawn to undisturbedness. Explaining myself, defending myself, spending time and energy to be understood...well...it can be disturbing. Which goes against this new goal of mine: living in undisturbedness.

Last night I curled up on the couch, listened to the rain and read The Story of Christianity by Justo L. Gonzalez. Great book. It is assigned reading yet so interesting. I've fallen behind, so I'm comparing my class notes as I read, and it's all coming together - the story line of history - His story.

Anyhow, it made me smile to read of Monasticism.

The very word "monk" derives from the Greek monachos, which means "solitary." One of the driving motivations for the early monks was the search for solitude. Society, with its noise and many activities, was seen as a temptation and a distraction from the monastic goal. p 138.

But then later I read that their wisdom made monks sought after - and they kept having to flee from people pursuing them. There's irony in that. But their wisdom also made some proud...and that temptation overtook them even as they overcame so many others. I've experienced this - the pride of some who think they've *arrived.* The feeling of being judged by them. (which can lead to explaining myself and well...the cycle begins...)

And so, here I sit, contemplating undisturbedness. What changes must occur to live there more? A lot have already occurred. I have much less interest in things and crowds. TV is something that truly holds NO interest to me - it's just too full of yuk that fills my brain and then requires the effort of purging it again. Don't worry, I'm still very interested in EXPERIENCES so I'm not quite a monk yet. Nature is such a huge part of my contentment - there's such peace in the rhythm of nature. God and I meet in the garden. I loved reading of how

some [monks] planted gardens, but most of them earned their living weaving baskets and mats that they then traded for bread and oil. Apart from the ready availability of reeds, this occupation had the advantage that while weaving one could pray, recite a psalm, or memorize a portion of Scripture. p 143 Love that.

Yesterday in my Bible reading I was reading of the woman who poured expensive perfume on Jesus and washed his feet with her hair and tears. In Luke 8:30 (AMP) Jesus tells her, "Your faith has saved you; go (enter) into peace [in freedom from all the distresses that are experienced as the result of sin.]"

That's another piece - a big piece - of the state of Undisturbedness. Freedom from the all the distresses that sin brings. All the nagging doubts, the tangled webs, the explaining, the justifying. Honestly, there is a whole lot of disturbedness served up in enticing packages, isn't there? And it's not all sin. Some is just encumbrance. Choosing the best over the good. Eliminating the extra baggage. The weight of stuff that bogs me down.

It's a rainy, cool Monday morning. The first day of fall. I'm contemplating the peace of undisturbedness even as I look at a week that includes overnight travel and lots of schmoozing at work events. Wow. Life is so full of choices, options, good things in varied packages. How to live a contemplative life in a clamoring world? This morning hour is a start. And after that I just need to buckle up and dive in. He will reveal what I need as we proceed into this day together. He already knows. And He understands me, and just what makes me purr. When I look at it from that perspective, it gives me reason to anticipate His solutions...and to walk confidently, as well as contemplatively, into my day.

Way too much nature...

On a rainy, cool night in September, this chick has had about enough of nature.

I already told you about the mouse. (Yes, I'm in denial, and keeping the word "mouse" in the singular...)

Well, tonight I needed to walk a letter down to our mailbox, where the mailman will pick it up tomorrow when he sees the raised flag. So, I turned on the entryway lights, and stopped...there were two raccoons in the courtyard. They sauntered off, slowly, but I could tell that I didn't scare them at all.

I waited a half hour, leaving the light on. As I put on my crocs to cross the dreaded brick courtyard to the mailbox, I could hear the howls of coyotes in the back yard. They sounded close. I imagined that they were feasting on raccoon...and opened the door.

I braved it into the soggy night, and just barely missed stepping on a HUMONGOUS toad. No, I'm not exaggerating. There he sat right dab in the middle of the brick pathway. I jumped over him, hoping against hope that he would not feel the urge to jump at the same time. He didn't. He just stared and blinked.

I hurried down the driveway and deposited the letter, all the while wondering if coyotes eat toads. As I leapfrogged the...frog...my pace quickened and I dashed in the door. Boomer looked at me and yawned...he had not seen any of it. A lot of good he is!

As I sat down in the living room I spied a wasp on the wall. Smashed him like a bug. He didn't stand a chance after my evening in the wilderness of Greendale.

An ordinary day...

Feeling rather decadent...I am home ALONE. Totally alone.

You have no idea how rare this is. Four kids and a homebody husband...rarely alone. But perhaps a new phase of life is beginning. Anna is pretty independent, and driving. Jake is working on a pretty active social calendar himself. And Frank travels for work, although very rarely over a week end.

Anyhow...what did I do in my glorious time?

I made dinner for the kids, the neighbors and my in laws. Simple fried fish and potatoes, and slices of fresh picked pear. (the neighbors invited me to take a basketful right off their trees!) Anna delivered to my in laws, and I delivered two portions to my grateful neighbors. (they had been very busy in the yard all afternoon...I was over there a few times) I cooked because I wanted to...it felt luxurious to not *have to* and to not be rushing anywhere... I put on good music and enjoyed the time in the kitchen.

Once the kids ate, they cleared out. And I headed to my favorite place - the garden. I spent a few hours weeding, watering and trimming. The flowers are spectacular right now. And again...I did it because I *could* but didn't *have to.* It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that ... I get tired of the schedules and the *have to's.*

I washed the sheets on our bed, and sprinkled them with lavender powder. I'll be there soon.

Right after my bubble bath. That's next.

It really is the simple pleasures that make life grand. And the sound of silence. The night sounds of late summer are streaming in my window, along with the flow of water from our fountain...

I'm exhausted. But I'm puttering myself back to stability. Once my little world gets back into bloom and order...well...then I'll be ready for another busy streak. It's the ebb and flow of life right now. I am blessed.

These are links to the photos I posted on facebook today. Hope this works!

"An Autumn Day" can be seen by pasting this into your browser: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2036517&id=1116654663&l=59c903824d

"Sailing on Lake Michigan" can be seen by pasting this into your browser: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2036516&id=1116654663&l=e9685b76a8

Ooooo...the coyotes are howling in the woods - another cool night sound. And Boomer just drew closer.

Good night my friends. The bubbles are calling.

Aging

Just as I was finishing up the kid's bag lunches at about 9:30 pm my cell phone rang. My mother in law was crying on the other end. "Come quick." My in laws live about 30 seconds away if I run. In our cul de sac, one house away, is a path through the woods to their house on the next block.

My father in law had pretzeled over his walker. He was literally folded in half. And not so coherent. I wrapped my arms under him, but rather than stand he just tipped forward onto me, with his legs folding in the wrong direction. He only weighs about 140 now, but his dead weight was too much for me. I asked my mother in law to call Anna.

Sweet Anna came running over and helped me to fold his feet under as we got him to kneel against his walker. His face smashed against the seat - he did not have the strength to hold it up. I put a pillow under his head, and we called 911. I knew his knees could not take it for long.

Two paramedics got him standing and then sitting. My mother in law was completely out of breath -she had struggled with him for 20 minutes before calling me. She had her third heart catheterization in a month last week. This was just not good.

She said he had taken his sleeping pill in the family room, and then gotten distracted, and then basically fell asleep walking. He is very weak and disoriented even on a good day.

My heart is heavy. I felt helpless. I can't fix anything.

Frank is in Turkey - if he had been here it would have been better. But that is not really a solution either.

I've been down this path before. It seems surreal to be going down it again.

Growing old is not for sissies. Neither is caring for aging parents.

My firstborn

Joey graduates this December with a degree in Molecular Biology from UW-Madison. Quite the accomplishment.

He wants to work in a lab, but lab jobs...well, ALL jobs...are hard to find. So you can imagine his excitement when he called last week to tell me he had an interview for a part time position at a lab. And then the text message: "Guess who just got hired as a lab assistant!"

YEAH. Thank you God! How VERY exciting.

Of course I called and got a few of the details. He was on the bus home, and didn't want to talk too much...

It's 16 hours a week for now, and more after graduation. They promised him full time by next summer. WOO HOO. I asked him what exactly he'd be doing.

His answer still makes me laugh. "I am going to be studying the sleep habits of flies." !!!!

That took me so off guard that I didn't even ask the obvious: WHY? I just enjoyed his excitement, and shared the moment.

I've been chuckling ever since. Joey is an extrovert with a capital E. I'm pretty sure he'll be waking those flies up on a regular basis... just for company. It will be interesting to hear how his first week went - might be time for a drive to Madison.

My baby

Frank is generally out the door before I get up in the morning, but I'm a pretty early riser myself. The kids usually see me showered and in my spot (Bible, journal and coffee) when they begin to stir. This morning I just lazed in bed - half awake - that dreamy zone of laziness which feels so decadent. I took the day off to recover from the week end.

Jake opened the door at 7:10 to let Boomer out - their morning routine of the "poop walk." He doesn't open my door all the way - just enough for Boomer to squeeze past. (I'm usually getting dressed by that point in the morning) But this morning he came down the hall to let Boomer back in to my room, too. And the door stayed ajar.

"Good morning," I said. It was all the invitation Jake needed. He uncharacteristically came in, and plopped himself down on the loveseat that faces our bed.

"Are you off today?"
"Yes!"
"Then can you drive me to football?"
"Sure."
"We're out of milk."
"Okay...put it on the list...I'm going to the store today."

And then...he just sat there for a few minutes. I asked him a few questions about his week end. We talked a bit about tonight's plans.

"Gotta go or I'll miss my bus..." And he was gone. I heard the front door slam.

That tiny exchange has filled this mother's heart. My big boy still needs me. He's 13, almost 14. 5 foot 7 and growing like a weed. Football player. Cool guy. But deep deep down...he still likes to know that his mama is home.

I'm so glad.

So Much for the Tiara...

God blessed (?) me with an amazing sense of smell. My family generally thinks I'm nuts as I search out smells that they are convinced are in my head...until they realize that what I *thought* I smelled...is really there.

Came into the house from the retreat this afternoon and immediately thought...hmmmm...something is amiss...

Tonight, after a bit of investigation, I discovered a mouse in a trap downstairs. He's been there a while. Whew. I love it when I solve the mystery... except...except... Frank is out of the country for another week, and I really don't want the kids knowing that we have mice, let alone that we KILL mice. (When one lives on a parkway, I'm not sure there is any possibility of not having visitors...and they have never ventured out of the east wall...except onto the windowsill of death...at least there are no droppings or evidence elsewhere...) Anyhow, I really couldn't ask the kids to climb up and reach onto the basement windowsill. I am the adult, after all.

And so

I got VERY brave. Donning my cleaning rubber gloves, and sucking in lungfulls of outside air before venturing down the stairs, I got the little stinker into a bag, trap and all. No, I was not about to reuse the trap. If Frank wants to save the 79 cents, then he should stop gallivanting off to exotic places like Turkey and Greece and check the ledge.

The air is cleaner. But that really was kinda creepy. Princesses should not have to empty mousetraps. I guess it's time to shelve the tiara...

Retreat

Just back from our annual women's retreat. Exhausted, yet so very content. We 21 women had a really fabulous time.

It it incredibly stretching to commit to such an undertaking...and yet I knew that God was ultimately the Coordinator. He allowed an amazing week end of worship, of fellowship, of learning...everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, was so incredibly receptive. Each woman appeared connected and content.

We discussed unity in the body of Christ (we are SISTAS), accepting one another in spite of differences, and treating each other like the princesses we are. We are daughters of the KING! Ephesians 1:2 in the Amplified Bible provided a focus word: undisturbedness. (LOVE that word!) We discussed how being right with God allows undisturbedness, which then allows us to receive His love and pour it out to our sistas. We discussed the enemy of our souls, and how he is prowling about planting trouble, trying to undo that peace. And finally, this morning, we learned that we need to trust God with the hard stuff. Pages of Bible verses accompanied the sessions which were based in the book of Ephesians.

We also did some scrapbooking of verse books (more on that later...), a group puzzle, some hiking and horse back riding, and a whole lotta eating. The weather was absolute perfection - sunny and 75 degrees. Our retreat center was perfect in that our meeting room, game room and sleeping rooms were all in one building, and we had it all to ourselves. And the campground - TimberLee Christian Center - surrounded us with 600 acres of beauty.

We bonded. We laughed. We cried. We sang. Some of us even slept!

Most surprising? How well the women took to tiaras from the dollar store. Photos will prove that those tiaras were on our heads ALL week end. It was amazing. The women I thought most likely to resist such silliness were the ones who had them on from sun up to sun down. Still makes me smile.

Most amazing? How God pulled all of the pieces together. I've noodled the basic topics for months, but had to trust A LOT for the final arrangement...definitely stretched me.

Favorite moment? Listening together to "What do I know of Holy?" by Addison Road. That song moves me.

Favorite spoiling? A room to myself. The "speaker's room." I slept 8 hours both nights with the help of a huge fan from home to provide white noise. My life has been on overdrive lately and it was such a JOY to sleeeeeeep.... and just lay on my bunk and think and pray...

All in all it was pretty close to as good as it could have been. The comment cards are amazing. Funny how a few people had no overt reactions to the sessions, but then wrote the most gracious and moving comments. Such lovely rewards for the efforts invested - their appreciative words. It is so gratifying to know that they heard God speak.

For over a decade I've facetiously commented that when I grow up I want to be a retreat speaker.

It just might happen!

The Bliss Zone

Three day week end with NO plans. Is there anything better?

Sitting in my spot surrounded by books to study for class and for the upcoming women's retreat. Twenty one of us will be in East Troy Wisconsin next week end to enjoy nature, enjoy one another and to grow closer to God.

The topic I've chosen is "unity." This stems from my almost desperate need of the support and friendship of Christian women. My observation is that some women don't enter in. While there are likely a myriad of reasons, one is insecurity. Feeling left out. Not included. Lonely. Perhaps hurt from prior poor encounters. And so we will talk about how to grow together as women - what we need from each other as far as trust, understanding, accountability, breathing space, and that key: the ability to allow one another to be different from ourselves. Grace. We need to extend grace to one another. Christian fellowship is such a gift from God. I'm passionate that every woman at least knows it is out there!

Frank went to Starbucks and got me the latest: Pumpkin Spice Nonfat Latte, using half pumpkin and half sugar free vanilla. (saves half the sugar) Venti. WHAT a treat.

Bliss. I'm savoring the bliss. I'm setting up the kind of day I love: Puttering. Studying. Snipping at the garden. Folding clothes. Planning food for the week. Breathing. Praying.

I'm almost in tears just writing it. August was a FABULOUSLY exhausting month, but I'm depleted to my core. Today is just what my God has ordered. Thank you to my Deliverer.

History of Christianity

Our first class was amazing. The professor is FABULOUS - personable and knowledgeable and enticing. He described our main textbook as a read as good as any novel. Whew. We summarized 1000 BC to about 180 AD in 3 hours. He talks FAST FASTER and FASTEST. Whew.

I was leery even sitting waiting for class to start. But once the prof entered and started talking he reeled me right in.

I am truly clueless about world history, but I actually knew most of what we covered tonight as far as Old Testament history.

I won't be clueless for long! It's time to buckle up! There's a fast track ahead!

Also [finally] received my Personal Assessment papers back. An A and a lot of insight in his comments. Those papers were likely the hardest assignment I have ever had - recalling life events, good and bad, and looking for the hand of God as He has shaped my life. Amazing questions. Amazing assessment tools. Amazingly painful experience. And yet...it was awe inspiring to trace the threads that God has sewn in - to see how certain experiences have shaped me for now and for what is to come. GREAT class and great process of recalling and writing.

So, so far I have a 4 credit B+ (I missed the final exam due to my dad's death...), a 3 credit A and a 1 credit A. Not so bad for such an old student, eh? History is going to take twice as much effort to read...but...tonight I really caught the bug.

Good night! There's no reading allowed at midnight...

Faster than the Speed of Life

Whew.

I miss you, my bleaders. You know life is going past at warp speed when i don't even blog... Life is good, and full, and just the way it's supposed to be. Facebook is getting my daily snippets...I'll have to get back into the groove of the blog. My school starts in two days, so then I'll be chained to my computer and looking for reasons to procrastinate...

The house is full of happy sounds. Jake and his buddy Danny are playing video games with Brent, Emily's new beau. Brent was Jake and Danny's counselor at Bible camp in July, so Jake is all excited about Brent being here to visit. Brent is a 6 foot 4 inch blond haired goofball, and I totally approve of him. :) (remember Emily's list? He ranks pretty well...) Anyhow, I can hear the boys in the family room.

Under my room, where I'm currently sitting at my desk, is the girl's room. I can hear muffled gabbing and bursts of laughter. Is that not just a blessed sound? Truly, it makes my eyes tear up. I love that they are reconnecting after being apart for Em's semester in Spain and then her summer at camp. It's so good that they have each other.

Boomer is snoring at my feet.

Frank is visiting his dad at a rehabilitation center where he has been for a few weeks following a procedure to help strengthen his spine. Joey is working. Everyone is accounted for.

Quiet morning hour, then to work for a rush of projects, then lunch with Em and Brent, and back to work for a very full afternoon. (still playing catch up for being gone a week and a half) Went from work to the bookstore to get one last textbook, and then met the crew at Ricardos for pizza. While Frank went to see his dad, Em and I walked to see my mother-in-law and do a few chores. And now, here I am. Surrounded by happy sounds and trying to stay awake to work on my Bible study again.

Of course there are dark threads in the tapestry of every life, and I am working through a relational loss that has been so hard. Life is full of tough choices, isn't it? Sometimes it seems to be overwhelming...and then...I hear the laughter through the walls and I think of how blessed I am.

Such is life. Stay tuned.

Need chocolate?

Tonight after supper Jake asked for dessert. I remembered a recipe that my sister in law Karen raved about, and quick whipped it up for him.

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
> >> 4 tablespoons flour
> >> 4 tablespoons sugar
> >> 2 tablespoons cocoa
> >> 1 egg
> >> 3 tablespoons milk
> >> 3 tablespoons oil
> >> 3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
> >> A small splash of vanilla extract
> >> 1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.

EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

Result? AMAZING. In fact I made two for us, and then made one to take to the neighbors. It was so good and so simple.

I'm so sorry. This is the type of recipe you might not want to have on hand...

This first one I made in an oversized mug:



Next I made one in a regular mug and flipped it onto a dessert plate. With a blop of whipped cream, it's company ready...

Back to School

My school begins a week from tomorrow. Frankly, I'm not sure I'm up to it. But I will plod on. Something about my dad dying during the finals week, and then two classes with a LOT of homework in the summer...I burned out. But, onward and upward.

My class is History of Christianity. The description is:

This course will familiarize students with major developments in Christianity from the first
century to the present. The class will focus on various prominent persons, trends, and events in
this broad time period including: the patristic period; the ecumenical councils; the development
of a cultural and theological synthesis of the middle ages; the precursors, content, and
personalities of the Protestant Reformation; the contribution of classical Protestant orthodoxy
and subsequent rise of denominations; the rise of secularism and the “Enlightenment”;
awakenings, revivals, and missionary expansion; and modern theological trends.

Um...I think it's going to be hard. I know the Bible, so taking New Testament and Minor Prophets was challenging, but in my comfort zone. This...this is brand brand new.

I've ordered two of the textbooks, and have my name in for the third one - on a waiting list. Three big fat textbooks:

Bettenson, Henry ,and Chris Maunder (eds.) Documents of the Christian Church

Gonzalez, Justo. The Story of Christianity: The Early Church to the Present Day, one volume

Noll, Mark. Turning Points: Decisive Moments in the History of Christianity

Once I get them (two are being shipped) I'll start reading ahead. At least that's the plan...

Uncle

UNCLE. I cry UNCLE.
Actually, I got pretty far on my list.
The heat and my exhaustion have taken over. I'm heading to bed.
Good night!

To Do

Today's to do list. [last day of vacation...took today off to get caught up] In no particular order, this is what I will pack into this Monday:

• quiet time with God (about to start...)
• balance checkbook
• order books for "History of Christianity" which begins on the 26th of August
• laundry (already in process)
• brown the hamburger, freeze some and also make chili
• make Thai curry chicken for dinner
• bake shortbread (learned from Nancy - english butter shortbread - yum)
• walk or go the health club and work out
• finalize outline for retreat for September 11 to 13
• clean our bedroom - at least 2 hours worth - get a good start
• buy birdseed and bake it
• Bible study for Thursday night - work on the hand out
• drive Joey to the bus for Madison (he's going for 2 days of move-in/partying)
• drive Jake to football
• clean the kitchen sink
• get ahold of Emily's friend Kyle - arrange to get my old lap top to him
• put my password list into my mac (it's only on my Blackberry and that makes me nervous)
• phone Annie whose mom died on the Friday I left for Vancouver :( I missed the funeral.

Kind of a long list, but I have all day and all night. It's raining out which GREATLY simplifies my plan - I don't need to water all the flowers, and it's not the day to deadhead and trim my gardens. (I like it when God handles the watering!)

I'm looking forward to puttering about at home. Home is where my heart is.

On blogging...

Nowadays anyone with a crap laptop and Internet access can sound their barbaric yawp, whatever it may be. But the surprise is that for every person who's got something to say, it seems there are at least a few people who are interested. Some of them aren't even related. ... There's a dangerous, confessional thrill to opening up your eminently fascinating life and brain to the world at large, and the Internet makes it all so much faster and more breathless and exciting. ... the blog readers - I was beginning to think of them as my "bleaders"... Here, I took my anger and despair and rage and transformed it with my alchemy into hope and ecstatic mania. Here, I took a crap laptop and some words that popped into my head at seven in the morning, and I turned them into something people wanted, maybe even needed.

These quotes are from Julie and Julia by Julie Powell. The book is based loosely on Julie's real life experience of needing something new and fun in her life, and deciding to cook through Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in one year and blogging about it.

The blog part is fun to read. That thrill of having bleaders.

The next day I got thirty-six hits. I know I got thirty-six hits because I went online to check twelve times that day at work. Each hit represented another person reading what I'd written. Just like that! At the bottom of the entry there was a spot where people could make comments, and someone I'd never even heard of said they liked how I wrote! I was going to eat lots of French food, and write about it, and get compliments from total strangers about it. Eric was right. This was going to be brilliant!

I loved the movie. I'm savoring the book. I love food, I love blogging, I love Julia Child, and I love the amazing love stories in both Julie and Julia's lives. So, my dear bleaders, I give it all two thumbs up. (with the caveat that there is a lot of swearing in the book!)

PS Comments feed bloggers. Please say hello.

Home again

It's really really good to be in my spot. Still in my jammies. French vanilla coffee in my favorite cup. Boomer snoring contentedly beside me. The house is quiet. My world is all intact.

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

Traveling Light?

Blogging from 30,000 feet. [I actually have no idea how high up airplanes fly… but that sounded like a great opening line...] Seat 11D, on the aisle, on Airtran flight 211 en route to Milwaukee. No, I’m not online. But I could be. Airtran has WiFi, for a mere $7.95 per flight. Kinda cool, but not necessary this time.

The woman beside me has the coolest bag. Major bag envy. It’s creamy leatherette hugeness has thus far revealed a full sized hard cover library book, a half bag of sugar coated pecans still in the vendor paper bag, a bag of almonds and dried fruit for her body builder boyfriend in the window seat, a few magazines...it’s all in there, and there’s more. It has no structure, a center dividing pocket with zip (safety for passport and wallet), handles and a shoulder strap. It’s simply cool. It is squashed under the seat in front of her with seeming ease. Casual sophistication. I have a passion for bags. This is a good one.

My bag is relatively new and has compartments for everything I need. I like it. Oakley vertical messenger bag. But it’s feeling a bit stiff. There is no flexiblity as I wedge it under the seat. [pilot just announced another hour and fifteen minutes to touch down - 565 miles] I have everything in its place, but it’s just not as ...bohemian...as that great bag next door. Of course she does not have a lap top...so...perhaps my boring structure is necessary. [And I did pick up three pairs of “sleepless in seattle” pajamas in the Seattle airport...one oversized tshirt gown for me and two pairs of jammie pants for the girls. They are rolled up and smashed into the back pocket of the Oakley bag which no doubt adds to it’s stuffed inflexibility...but gosh are they cute... ]

I’m thoroughly enjoying every minute of this trip. I have so so many toys along, and I’ve kind of marveled at it all. I’m learning to travel in the 00’s. It requires an organized bag and a WHOLE LOTTA cords.

First my Mac. Oh, I love mac. Then my iPod touch. (ito) I have LOVED reading the ebook Julie and Julia in tiny bites all throughout the trip - planes, busses, trolleys, traffic jams on the freeways...delays continuously softened by my sleek little toy. The rental car had an iPod jack, and I had packed the right cord (the one I use in my car) so that was HAPPY circumstance for my 3 hours in the car both ways between Seattle and Vancouver - loved having my music and podcasts with me. I felt so...spoiled. And then there’s the photos. I put a smattering of my life in photos onto ito ...and have showed the handy little album to many people - such a simple tool. Mac requires a power cord and then there’s another cord that connects mac and ito...for syncing and powering. Ito's car cord came along too. [the rental car had the iPod jack and the power jack all hidden in the armrest...how smart is that?]

My little digital camera. No idea how many photos I’ve taken. At least a thousand. And a couple videos too… of my brother playing the piano. There must be a hundred pics of the secret garden alone. [which, by the way, I’ve easily made into a very stress relieving slide show with Vivaldi playing in the background. mac is so seamlessly simple...integrating photos and music and fancy slideshow settings…] Of course I brought the battery charger and the cord to dump photos off the memory card and onto mac. Haven't digital cameras just changed everything? You can just keep taking pictures - capturing the moment. It's free and it's simple.

Tom Tom. This is my hub’s navigation toy that he pre programmed for me and sent along in it’s little zipper pouch. (It’s about 5 inches x 1 inch x 3 inches) When I plugged it in to the second power jack in the rental car, I just had to touch “Navigate to,” “favorites,” “Holiday Inn Downtown Vancouver,” and the little machine verbally navigated me right out of the Sea Tac parking ramp and up I-5 Northbound. Simply amazing. I put every destination into it as I went, and thus had not one moment of angst as I zipped around new cities. Isn’t that incredible? It came programmed with all of North America, but you can download other countries as well. Frank bought it for all his business trips. It uses the same plug as my Blackberry.

Oh...my Blackberry. Texting. Who can live without texting? It’s how I kept track of my brother and sister’s schedules (we generally met at our destinations) and kept up with home a bit. International cell phone use is 69 cents a minute, so that was kept WAY to a minimum. We put me on an international text and email package for 9 days...and that’s what I did. I used the phone maybe 10 times for quickie calls...not everyone texts… The BB required two cords: car (shared with Tom Tom) and power outlet for at night. That’s my alarm clock too. And I can google on it, like when I needed to find the nearest Starbucks...

[The woman in the seat in front of me is making jewelry. She has pill bottles and snack bags full of beads in a big ziplock...it’s laid all over her tray table...she’s yakking away with the flight attendant...the jewelry is very lovely! She tapes the ends with scotch tape when she moves about...isn’t it amazing what you can learn just from watching people? Repeat after me: I do NOT need a new hobby...I do NOT need a new hobby...]

Starbucks. Wow. It’s like a home away from home. Each morning (after I left the Holiday Inn- while there I had great coffee and free WiFi in my room) started with my two free hours of wireless and a skinny cinnamon dolce latte at the nearest Sbux. I’d get caught up on email, upload a couple photos to Facebook, read about everyone else on Facebook, blog (okay...only twice) and also work on my Bible study. Lovely morning ritual. I have decided that maintaining my morning journal/Bible/online routine helped make my trip more relaxed. I fit a lot of visiting and sight seeing in, but that couple of early morning hours were all mine. I’d awake early and do my thing before heading out for the very full days. I need alone time and time with God.

Those are my toys. They are not nearly as cumbersome as they appear. In fact my small leather purse has three zippered sections on its face which held my BB, my ito and my camera. They went everywhere with me. Tom Tom stayed in the rental car for the entire 8 days, hidden in that very handy armrest. The car cords stayed there too. The other cords all stayed in my laptop bag, along with mac. It’s all very compact.

As I return home I feel all caught up. I’ve kept up with most of the emails, with facebook, I have this blog to post, and I put in about 4 hours of work in total - emailing my edits back to the office. I’ve kept up with the kids and hub, and they with me. My photos are uploaded, many are labeled, and a lot of the duds are deleted. [ I have 800 of my sister in law Nancy’s Paris photos uploaded too - they were so stunning, I wanted to keep them to gaze at and plan a future trip… ]

It’s simply handy to have my gadgets along.

On the way to Vancouver I did not even check a bag. I had everything in my one carry on bag and my Oakley messenger bag. I was extremely pleased to manage that, and it turned out that I did not even need all the clothes that I brought. I traveled light. [I did need each and every cord…]

However, for the return trip I bought a cheap $20 carry on while in Vancouver in which to transport the three Julia Child cookbooks and her biography which my brother and I scouted out at various used bookstores. (these weigh at least 20 pounds cumulatively, so, in retrospect, may not have proven to be the best of souvenirs…) We entertained ourselves for hours on a few rainy days with a used book store crawl. It was a BLAST, and we both got teary eyed when we bagged each of the 6 books we bought. (Mastering the Art of French Cooking is the focus of the movie “Julie and Julia” which Jonnie and I saw on Saturday during a rain storm) He and I both got Volume I, I found a first edition of Volume II, and I bought two old old copies of Julia’s biography entitled An Appetite for Life. I gave one to my ex sis in law, Nancy as a hostess gift - I stayed with her for 4 nights. She and her hub went to see “J&J” while I was there, and since she loves biographies she LOVED the musty old book and was reading it each evening. Oh - I also got one other of JC’s cookbooks...a volume 2 of her book regarding cooking for company...

Oh! We’re beginning our descent. You now have my travel logistics. Roll your eyes as you may, but this is feeling like QUITE the accomplishment to me. The lists and the packing and the selection of just the right bags and electronics - each proved to be a component of a wildly successful 8 day trip to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

More important than the logistics of it all, there are the PEOPLE I visited: my brother Jon; my sister Sally and her partner Gloria; Sally’s daughter Katherine and her hub Jose and their 4 year old Sara; Jon’s daughter Jen, her boyfriend Terrance and her 7 year old Joshie; Jon’s ex wife Nancy and her husband Lon; Jack - one of the parishioners of my dad’s church in White Rock; and Karla - my best friend from age 10 to 15. So many visits. So many stories. When will I blog it all? Not to mention the ocean and the mountains.

But alas...all electronics must be turned off now. So... au revoir! Thanks for the prayers and “bon voyages.” I’ve had a WONDERFUL week.

Julie and Julia

Packing light was a high priority this trip, as I did not want to check a bag. One of my packing downfalls is *books* - they are heavy but necessary on a vacation. I decided to try my new ipod touch and bring along an e-book.

Yes, yes, I know. That screen is small. But I thought I should give it a try...

I downloaded Barnes & Noble's free e reader, which came with a few free books and a dictionary. There are a lot of screen settings, so I set the font to very large and it seemed doable. I have great eyes, but did not want to work hard at pleasure reading...

Next I downloaded Julie and Julia for $9.95. Not as economical as the library, but not as pricey as the brand new paperback in the store...

And once on the plane...I powered up and...read. Verdict? I LOVE it. Truly. It's tiny and compact, easily portable, and while I have to touch the screen often to turn the page, it was not annoying at all. You can highlight a word to mark, you can bookmark pages, and you can tap a word to look it up in the dictionary. (Except that the words that I did not know were beyond the scope of this particular abbreviated free dictionary...)

My brother and I went to "Chapters" last night, (Canada's Borders or B & N) and I was not tempted to buy the next read because I will download one if necessary. (all I need is a wireless hotspot) This is sort of freeing. I don't know about you, but sometimes (always) I can have a backlog of books that I don't quite get to...but looked so good...

Another reading application is called "Stanza," and I downloaded that app for free as well. It has a "library" function. Haven't checked it out, but maybe you can rent a title for a shorter amount of time for a small (or no) fee? I'll need to spend some time there.

The book is FUN, written in a chatty casual style. I found myself chortling out loud on the plane, but thankfully the guy next to me was a sound sleeper... Can't we all relate to cooking disasters?

Yesterday Jon and I went to the movie - second day it was out - two thumbs up - way up. Fun food adventure and poignant love story. We cried at the same parts... an emotional movie for sure.

Today's paper features JULIA, of course, and Jonnie and I are going to rummage through some used book stores to try and find an old copy of the cook book that will soon be all the rage. (Chapters was OUT of it last night, but we were assured that A LOT more are on order) One funny line from this editorial is, as the editor was testing the beef bourguignon recipe, " ...when all is said and done, it is a glorified beef stew. It is very good. But it takes all day to make. By the time my guests arrived, I hated them..." Ha.

This trip will go down in my memory as the Julie and Julia vacation. Jon and I might even try to make Boeuf bourguignon at his place one day... (although there are a million steps to that recipe...)

Au Revoir, and Bon Appetit!

Vancouver

Deliciously wrapped in a white terry robe courtesy of an executive suite in the Holiday Inn Downtown Vancouver. [There are advantages to my husband traveling so much and racking up hotel perks...]

Awoke at 5 am local time, sigh, and tried valiantly to go back to sleep. But it was 7 am at home, and my internal clock said it was time to get up. After 45 minutes of arguing I gave in and threw on some clothes. Down seven floors and across the street to Starbucks. But, ALAS, this Starbucks does not open until 7 am! (that would never be allowed in the US, would it?) So, after swallowing the tears I made it back to the hotel, showered, made a [surprisingly good] cup of coffee in my room, and here I am - snugged in the heavenly robe and studying Ephesians with my LOGOS Bible program.

I am purring. Room to myself, A/C on high [my family is always cold...so...this is a treat...], my laptop, my Bible, my study guide, good coffee, a plush robe, a desk, a club chair with ottoman, and time. Time stretches before me. I'll be at the hotel 3 nights total, and then 4 nights at my ex-sister in law's, and then one night in a hotel near the Seattle airport before my return trip. Long enough to really unwind. Study. Read. Pray. Blog. Journal. Write. Relax.

This is good. Thank you Father. I am ready to regroup.

Yes, I'm also reconnecting with my dear brother Jon - but that's a story for another post. And with my sister Sally - yet another story. But what is overwhelming me in this very moment in time is how deliciously decadent these early morning hours feel. Blessings.

Fusions

There are a lot of reasons that blogging took a back seat in July, but one of the main ones was a switch to a MacBook Pro. I felt the need to separate my work from my personal life, even though I had free reign over my work laptop. In this economy I just felt I needed to be proactive *just in case* employment options changed. Since it has taken a month to get *close* to independent, I think I was right in being proactive.

And so...I knew I wanted a Mac. A few friends had them and never stop raving.

In addition to the MacBook Pro, I got a free Itouch because I am a student. Good deal! My Ipod had broken a year ago, and I just listened on my laptop... I also used my kid's Ipod Shuffles now and then. Anyhow, the deal was $229 towards any Itouch. I opted for the biggest one since I have A LOT of music and also wanted to back up my photos. Learning and syncing the itouch was a major challenge.

I also got Mobile Me, which gives me a *cloud* of my own in cyberspace. I can save a document to the cloud at work, and when I get home I can open it from the Mac from the cloud. Bizzarro but cool. Supposedly my calendar at work can sync to the cloud, which then syncs with the calendar on the Mac which then syncs to the Itouch. It's not quite working yet...

Then I bought FUSION, a program that allows you to run Windows on the Mac. I had to do this to run a couple programs which only run on PC.

Tonight I managed to get my *mega* Bible study program onto the virtual PC - what the Fusions Windows computer is called. It runs in "unity" where I can see the PC and the MAC all at once.

I *think* that the only transfer left is my Microsoft Money Plus - my checkbook.

This has been UNBELIEVABLY time consuming and brain draining. Thank goodness I'm between semesters at school. I did write my last paper on the MAC, and even that was a challenge. I'm getting much better now, but it really pushed my 46 year old brain pretty hard.

There is SO MUCH to learn. I signed up for ONE-TO-ONE, which provides one hour of one on one tutoring per week at the Apple Store. I have enough questions on my list to last the next few months. I keep watching online tutorials too.

And so, please forgive my hiatus. The switch to MAC was just one of the reasons, but it was a BIG one.

By the way, I already LOVE my MAC. I am indeed a convert. :)

Breezy Sunny Perfection

I've been on the screen porch for the better part of three hours, working through Ephesians 1, word by word with my Greek lexicon. Such rich stuff. Having taken the day off spur of the moment this morning, I'm feeling foot loose and fancy free. Well, there is laundry drying, and I made French toast for the kids, and the garden needed watering...but...footloose and fancy free is a relative term.

Today's weather is sublime. The breeze is just cool enough, and the scattered clouds provide occasional relief from the sunny blue. This spot is close to perfection - birds singing, sprinkler tinkling, Boomer snoring at my feet...ah, summer.

Sharing from Ephesians, here's the definition of grace, according to Zodhiates:

5485 in Strong’s. Charis: joy, favor, acceptance, a kindness granted or desired, a benefit, thanks, gratitude, grace; A favor done without expectation of return; absolute freeness of the loving-kindness of God to men, finding its only motive in the bounty and freeheartedness of the Giver; unearned and unmerited favor. God’s grace affects man’s sinfulness and not only forgives the repentant sinner, but brings joy and thankfulness to him. Eleos, [1656] mercy, is concerned not with the sin itself, but with the misery brought upon the sinner as a consequence of that sin.

It's hard to not celebrate the day when you think about God's grace.

Life

Loved this quote from Elizabeth Berg's The Art of Mending.

There are random moments – tossing a salad, coming up the driveway to the house, ironing the seams flat on a quilt square, standing at the kitchen window and looking out at the delphiniums, hearing a burst of laughter from one of my children’s rooms – when I feel a wavelike rush of joy. This is my true religion: arbitrary moments of nearly painful happiness for a life I feel privileged to lead. Think of the way you sometimes see a tiny shaft of sunlight burst though a gap between rocks, the way it then expands to illuminate a much larger space – it’s like that. And it’s like quilting, a thread surfacing and then disappearing into the fabric of ordinary days. It’s not always visible, but it’s what holds everything together. P 148

That's how life is, isn't it? Every once in a while moments hit you and you realize just how blessed you are.

Last night our 16 year old needed some mom time, and asked, repeatedly, to go to see "My Sister's Keeper." She and I both just finished the book. Even though I was thoroughly content on the couch reading Any Minute by Joyce Meyer, time with her is important, so off we went. It is a heartwrenchingly sad movie, the kind that gets me pondering the deeper issues of life.

We have four healthy, "normal" kids who have been relatively pain free from a parenting stand point. Do I thank God often enough? What a privilege. And right now, at this moment in time, all four of them get along unbelievingly well, and they each spend quality time talking to their parents. Thank you Father. Such a gift.

While I don't have much parenting pain to speak of, there is searing pain in my life. Life is hard. There are so many different types of "hard" - we could all be gentler, couldn't we? The mom of a child with leukemia could view anyone with healthy children as having everything. But the mom of the healthy child could have a traumatic childhood wound haunting her or a dying best friend. Financial struggles can overwhelm our perspective. Marriage woes. Responsibilities for aging parents. Strained relationships. Physical constraints and health issues. Life is hard, just as Jesus predicted in John 16:

³³"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

The blessing beyond blessings is that Jesus understands pain, and that He is our constant companion through the best and worst of times. He is all I need. There are days when that is simply fact to me - days where I have to remind myself of that truth over and over.

I wrote down this quote years ago, though I don't recall the source:

"Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle."

Funny how a movie can hit me just so and send me spinning into life evaluation...

Sneak Preview

Upcoming Topics:

Switching from PC to Mac - GROAN (but I'm starting to love it...)

Visiting Cleveland (Botanical Gardens, Art Museum, Lolly the Trolley, travel with boyz)

More hospital visits - three in one night!

Ephesians - latest Bible study

Personal Assessment paper - finally done

Minor Prophets - recently finished class

History of Christianity - next class

Joining a Health Club

Planning a trip to Vancouver in August

Emily's in love (shhhhhh)

and more!

Stay Tuned!

Lotus Flower

That photo up there on the header - it is unretouched. I took it at the Cleveland Botanical Gardens. A lotus flower. Isn't it simply amazing?

Just a warning

Just thought I should warn you...so that none of you are caught off guard...

I'm going to blog soon.

No, really.

I am.

Father's Day

After Frank's aunt's funeral last Saturday we drove 4+ hours north to visit our 20 year old, Emily, at Crescent Lake Bible Camp. She had just finished her first week of campers, having had 11 nine and ten year olds in her cabin. She told us it was an amazing week, and she looked forward to a QUIET evening. All six of us were together, likely the only time this summer, and we did have a great overnight. Pizza out, and then cards and swimming at the hotel.

The next morning we readied for church and off we went. Emily introduced us to her camp friends, as this is the church where they all attend.

Everything was well until the offertory. The piano began a rendition of Faith of our Fathers, the old hymn, and I lost it. I was *almost* sobbing. It had not really occurred to me before then that it was Father's Day. That hymn flooded me with memories, especially of family reunions in Iowa where my dad and his three brothers would sing it.

Emily put her arm around me, moved closer and put her head on my shoulder. It was such a sweet and tender moment. The wave of grief passed quickly, and I dried my eyes and the service went on.

Our Emily Joy is truly an amazement to me. Of all our children, she was the one most difficult to relate to, although never giving us a problem. We just didn't connect. But now, well now she is a comfort and a source of immense satisfaction for me. She is a reward of motherhood.

Twins

On Saturday morning we attended the funeral of my husband's mom's identical twin. 77 years old.

It's hard to know how my mother-in-law feels, as I do not have an identical twin. Imagine the grief of losing someone who has shared in each step of your life since the moment of conception.

At the wake on Friday, I was reading the bouquet ribbons: Beloved Wife, Cherished Mother, Dearest Grandmother...and then the one that turned on my tears: My Twin written in gold on a light pink ribbon, attached to a huge bouquet of summer blooms.

Barbara and Mary talked on the phone every day. Each morning they would compare schedules, and each evening, late, they'd compare days. They'd each do the daily crossword in the paper and then compare answers. They never lived more than 5 miles apart. They had their babies in the same years. They had the same friends...lifetime friends since they grew up here in the Milwaukee area.

Barbara, my mother-in-law, was the last eulogy at the funeral. She traveled up to the podium slowly with her walker, and clearly and succinctly paid tribute to her best friend in the world. There was not a dry eye to be found.

Before closing the casket, before the funeral, she walked up to her sister's body and said, "Well Mary, I guess this is it..." and then broke down.

I simply can't imagine.

Is that helpful?

TravelSmith emails me regularly with their tempting array of travel worthy comfortable clothes.

This item, on a clearance flyer, made me laugh out loud.

Does anyone really think it would be helpful to have 39 pockets in a jacket? It would take me half an hour to find my keys...

Grieving

Time moves on.

Little things make me sad, and the tears seem to come a bit more often these days. Of course now I am grieving the loss of the family structure as well. Our home has been the hub...but...no more.

I have finally finished the finances, and finished the *many* thank you's from the funeral and memorials, and now it's just odd little stuff:

• His clothes need to go to Goodwill.
• The photo albums need to be put back away - about 40 of them came out for my siblings to look through - my mom was the premiere scrapbooker. I emptied the bookshelf in the family room, and put them there. They are still there.
• The display photos that I kept in a big tub titled "Funeral" for the 5 years since my mom's death - what do I do with them now?
• The *big* portrait of the two of them that hung in his room...I can't throw that out, can I?
• I keep getting the mail...mostly advertisements... and ministry updates...mailed to his name at my address. I painstakingly write "deceased" and return to sender. Amazing how hard it is to write that 8 letter word.
• The banking is done. I closed our joint account. I remember opening it 8.5 years ago...it was so amazing to think that I was the keeper of my parent's funds. It was overwhelming, although not so large a job in reality. 3 years in assisted living and 5 years in skilled nursing took care of every penny. Both of them felt at home right until the end - they were in lovely facilities. Thank God.

Time moves on. While the work of the last 6 weeks is winding down, the emotions seem to be winding up.

Grief is an interesting path.

Woman Reading in a Garden; a painting by Mary Cassatt in 1880

If it EVER WARMS UP IN WISCONSIN...this will be me...

Hit "Pause"

Have you ever watched a movie so intense you needed to pause the movie, walk to the kitchen and simply get a grip on reality and the fact that the movie is just a movie? This has happened to me. Sometimes I close my eyes and remind myself...this is not real.

This morning I needed to "pause" life: to pull back, shut my eyes, recite what I know is true, and to review the blessings of the life I have been given. Most mornings I need to do just that - come away and let God open my eyes to the eternal and to what is really important. Reorder me. Re prioritize my thoughts and level my emotions.

I'm reading at the end of Matthew 3, where John the Baptist is baptising Jesus.

Matthew 3:16 (NASB95)

After being baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water;

and behold, the heavens were opened,

and he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove and lighting on Him,

Many commentators think that the "he" should be "He"...that Jesus looked up and saw heaven. Beth Moore describes it as "...the Father opened up the sky like a window, and showed Christ the vision through it." Isn't that an amazing word picture? I'm imagining a double hung - a piece of sky that blends right in, and suddenly God lifts it up and heaven is behind it. Or a big zipper - God unzips it and the Glory behind the sky is revealed.

Hebrews 11 recounts the giants of the faith and reveals how they viewed themselves:

Hebrews 11:13

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises,

but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance,

and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.

Some days I feel more like a stranger and an exile than on other days. It's comforting to know that that IS the reality for a Christian - we should not feel too comfortable here, and we should expect to be misunderstood just as Christ was. THAT is reality.

And so, we need to remember to "pause" the movie of our life, the here and now, the temporary, and look up - look for the stabilizing reality that this is not our eternal destination. I love that God reminded His Son of the prize - gave Him a peek of heaven, a reminder, as Jesus began His earthly ministry. And I love that God affirmed His Son as recorded in John 3:17 "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."

Lord, may I be still enough for Your Spirit to land as a dove on my shoulder,
May I look to You often enough to see a glimpse of the prize as revealed in Your Word,
and may I hear you whisper,
for any tiny victory over sin and self that I might manage,
"Grace, my beloved, in that I am well pleased."

Once my vision is aligned with His, I can press PLAY again - knowing that whatever scenes might unfold in this crazy mixed up blessed life journey - they can be paused again at any time for a heart to heart with the Director. As long as He's for me, who can stand against me? (Romans 8:31)