Death and Dying

Here I sit in the ICU. Day nine with my dear father, Gib. Nine days ago he had emergency bowel surgery to remove an obstruction and untwist a kink. They removed about 5 inches of bowel.
The first few days were disoriented and a bit combative. That is SO not him, but I have been at death's door with him before, and knew what to expect.
The next few days were calm, and my presence soothed him. Those are the hardest days, because when I left I felt so badly...that I was not there to calm his angst.
Then I started to notice him slip...mentally. The words came slow. I could see he was struggling to form them...I could see the frustration.
And the last couple days I've been trying to convince the nurses that something is amiss...he is just not here mentally...getting worse rather than better.

Today I got a call at work...the first...that he had spiked a fever, and needed a CT on his abdomen to look for a suspected abscess. I rushed to the hospital. He has been mostly resting comfortably and unable to know that I am here. Further questioning showed the gravity of the situation...an abscess would be fatal, as he cannot tolerate surgery. I've emailed the world, said my good byes, prayed with him, read him Psalms... During his CT I ran home and changed and got my books, planning to stay overnight.

The CT just came back. No abscess. And so we don't know what is causing the infection. And so...we wait.

I'm still going to stay overnight. I'm hoping to study. But I'm realizing how exhausting this is.

I'm okay with his living, I'm okay with his dieing, but this hovering in the unknown...that's tough stuff.

On to studying...I hope...Good night!