Summary

Quick catch up for you avid readers...

• Just finished the book The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. Very very rarely do I read books twice, but I might read this one again. It was an endearing story of elderly male friendship, lost love, and a mysterious manuscript. Throughout the read I was confused but enthralled. In the last pages I started to put together who was who and how they were related. It's one of those books that you want to read with a paper and pencil so that you can track the cast of characters. Interesting read.
• Now reading Beautiful Boy: a father's journey through his son's addiction by David Sheff. This father wrote an article about the same subject for the NYTimes, won an award, and subsequently expanded it into this book. It's a page turner and a heart breaker. One of my closest friends has a nineteen year old daughter working to kick a heroine habit, and someone very close to me is addicted to crystal meth. And so while the reading is hard, I feel it is beneficial for me to know a close up and compassionate view of addiction. (btw...if anyone knows how to underline in blogger, do let me know...it's not on my toolbar...thus the book titles are not underlined)
• It's raining hard today. There's still melting snow. The sump pump is in overdrive and there are puddles in the basement. SIGH. We need some major landscape and patio work.
• Two of my three brothers were here for the week end. While it's always great to see them, it tends to be tiring as I cook and continually pick up behind everyone.
• I'm such a morning loner. When my brothers and husband were in my three favorite quiet time spots on Sunday morning, I did indeed pout. And then I found a new spot. This house has a lot of good nooks and crannies!
• My husband took a new job on Friday. He will be working for a huge company based in Milwaukee but flying around the country to check up on things. His title will be Compliance Manager (accounting) and he'll be traveling up to 35% of the time. We're excited about the frequent flyer miles!!
• Three overnight work trips in April will keep me busy. The first is tomorrow for two nights, then three nights beginning the 16th and finally four nights beginning the 28th. I love traveling on my own. I think it feels like such a LUXURY to have a hotel room to myself after so many years of sharing with my dear children and husband. (although we shared the tent more often than a hotel room)
• My 45th birthday came and went and was well celebrated.
• I'm currently beating my brother, who actually IS a brain surgeon, for the second game out of two in Scrabble. It's a riot. He is SO frustrated, SO competitive and is actually doing math to see who would have won if I wouldn't have had the "X "or whatever. GOOD GRIEF. It is a little sister (by 11 years!) dream come true. Hehe. The downside is I think we'll have to keep playing til he wins one.

That's it for the update. More on my Bible study at another time. For now I have to go work on it while I have an hour alone before picking up Jake for an orthodontist appointment. My brother is out with my dad, so I have the house to myself. YEAH.

PS Don't forget I love HELLOS in the comments. :)

a heart like His

My Precepts training homework pack came in the mail...I'm a junkie...can't wait to dive in.

And right off the bat I'm challenged by looking at 1 Samuel 13:14 and then defining what IS a man after God's own heart.

1Sa 13:14 "But now your kingdom shall not endure. The LORD has sought out for Himself a man after His own heart, and the LORD has appointed him as ruler over His people, because you have not kept what the LORD commanded you."

Obviously David was not perfection, so that's not what God was looking for. The study guide takes me to Acts 13:22

Ac 13:22 "After He had removed him, He raised up David to be their king, concerning whom He also testified and said, 'I HAVE FOUND DAVID the son of Jesse, A MAN AFTER MY HEART, who will do all My will.'

That's what I love about studying the Word Precepts style...the premise is to have the Word explain itself rather than to read what commentators have found. Honestly, it just really gets me going...

"Who will do all my will." That's what God is looking for.

All. In the Greek that means... ALL.

To have a heart like His may be to be so trusting that wanting to do other than God's will is foreign; the wisdom to know that anything other than God's will is inferior. To go against God's will is settling. I tend to be a perfectionist, so to "settle for less" irritates me. And yet. Whenever I willfully, or even automatically, choose my own path...am I not settling? Why would I do that? Deep down I must think I know better. Now isn't that ridiculous?

It's that trust issue again.

Back to studying... Even though the opening paragraph gave me enough to ponder for the day, I have three weeks of homework to complete before my Advanced Leader Training class on April 19th. I took today off work, and honestly, this is what I love doing more than anything else. Digging in.

I will be shopping with our 15 year old daughter later...she's on spring break...and that's what she chose for our mom/daughter activity. Our 12 year old son hasn't chosen his mom activity yet... which makes me nervous...

I'm off...Happy Wednesday to all.

Resignation

The one true way of dying to self is the way of patience, meekness, humility, and resignation to God.
-- Andrew Murray

Why is resignation to God so difficult?
I am aware that He loves me.
I am aware that He's smarter than me. And wiser.
I am aware that He knows all, and that He never makes a mistake.
I am aware that He can see a much larger picture than I can.
And yet
I don't quite trust Him.
Why is that?

The dentist

OK...I'm a dental wimp. I'll just admit it right up front.

Yesterday I was there for three hours...first the cleaning, and then the replacement of an old silver filling that evidently was wearing out.

As the very kind dentist brought the very noisy drill to my face, she told me to raise my left hand at any time if I felt discomfort or wanted her to stop. [I was tempted to raise it immediately, but I resisted] This was after having 4 rounds of needles stuck into my jaw and mouth to numb the back lower left jaw, but before prying my mouth open to get to the culprit...a worn filling in the very farthest tooth.

And so the drilling began. At first it was ok, but then...oh my...I felt it. I'm sure she didn't hit a nerve, but she did hit a non numb spot of some sort. I almost knocked her over with the speed of my left hand being raised. Back came the long needles of anesthesia... I felt every poke , which concerned her as I should have been numb. And so she added a few more shots just to be on the safe side.

As she began the drilling again, I was in a quandry. Of course I wanted to raise my left hand and make her stop. I wanted to close my poor jaw for a few moments just to rest it. But I knew that if I stopped her I was simply prolonging the inevitable. The filling was now half out, and there was no leaving until the job was complete. I was a basket case. Before you write me off as a complete wimp, please know that I delivered a ten pound baby without pain meds. But this was different. This was the dentist. The dentist is worse.

I lived through the ordeal, although my jaw is still aching today. And it took a really long time for my jaw to un-numb...

Today as I've been pondering Good Friday, I thought about the choice involved. Every other person who has ever endured flogging, beating or crucifixion has had no choice in the matter. There was no left hand to be raised for a break in the action. The torture was uncontrollable.

But Christ had options. I've never thought about that before. Not only could he have requested a stop, He could have had ten thousand angels wipe out His enemies and jet Him to heaven. His Godhood made choices possible. His manhood made the torture unbearable. And yet He remained, and submitted to the pain. He realized that salvation could not be provided without His atoning blood.

My dental visit was nothing. I know that. I was in a comfortable chair, with compassionate people, in a sterile environment for a simple procedure.

Christ's ordeal was unspeakable. There was nothing comfortable, nothing compassionate, nothing sterile, nothing simple. And yet He stayed on that cross. For me. For You.

Thank you, dear Savior, for enduring hell on my behalf.

Fill My Cup

My dear friend Margo once gave me a wire candle holder, maybe 10 inches tall, in the shape of a primitive human form holding a glass cup in the air. The cup holds the candle. She has one too, on her bedside table, to remind her to hold her cup up to the Lord.

Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word reminded me of this. “We each have our unmet needs, and we carry them around all day long like an empty cup. In one way or another, we hold out that empty cup to the people in our lives and say, “Can somebody please fill this? Even a tablespoon would help!” Whether we seek to have our cup filled through approval, affirmation, control, success, or immediate gratification, we are miserable until something is in it. I have come to dearly love and appreciate Psalm 143:8: Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. What a heavy yoke is shattered when we awaken in the morning, bring our hearts, minds, and souls and all their “needs” to the Great Soul-ologist, offer Him our empty cups and ask Him to fill them with Himself!” (page 91)

I’ve been humming an old song…a song that was popular in our church in the 70’s… "Fill My Cup Lord.”

Like the woman at the well I was seeking
For things that could not satisfy
And then I heard my Savior speaking
Come to the well that never will run dry
Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up Lord,
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul
Bread of heaven, feed me til I want no more
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.

While Margo was not referring directly to Beth Moore’s chapter above, she recently described how she had come to see her situation. She said she realized she had been relying on certain people to fill her cup. She pictured herself asking them to fill her …people who were needy themselves and had nothing to offer. And while she wandered begging for a drop here and a drop there, she was missing God’s Niagara Falls all around her. What a word picture. Am I blind to what God offers to me? Psalm 143 shows the psalmist asking daily to be filled with the knowledge of God’s unfailing love. (the only unfailing love, no matter how many other sources I may hope will satisfy…)

Some of us are natural cup fillers: we have a lot of people coming to us to be filled. Perhaps we "fillers" have the deepest need of sitting close to Niagara daily, of seeking that quenching each morning. Sometimes my neediness surprises me since I am generally so strong. And yet I realize I’ve been holding my cup up to sources that cannot fill me when I need to hold it up to God alone. God will never disappoint. Never. His living water can satiate me, fill me to the point of not needing other people’s approval or affection. (those may come, but my fullness will not depend on it) His fullness will then overflow to the lives around me, and I won't end up emptied because I'll stay beneath the Source.

Living with a full cup sounds less disappointing, less vulnerable, and so much more fulfilled. It all starts with Him. Each day and every day. Of course. It really is so simple...

Back in Action!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Three of you have recently written to ask if I’m ok, so here I am…nudged out of my silence. The silence is the result of working full time plus (rather than my usual 24 hours a week), water in our basement which is mostly an emotional strain (sigh) and just a general resurgence of health with the accompanying busyness.

The flu that changed everything.
As you’ve read, I had the flu. The flu to end all flus. But I’m actually thankful for it in retrospect, as I believe it changed my life.

I realized that my blood sugar numbers were out of control as my body fought the illness, and in actuality my poor body couldn’t fight both issues. And so I stayed sick. In my couch time I did a lot of reading on low carb diabetes solutions, and also talked to my doctor at length. I had been in diabetic denial way too long, and my metabolism was pretty messed up. Then when a diabetic is sick the body responds with increased sugar levels and ineffective insulin, so everything escalates. I was really sick. As a result…life changed. I’ve been low carb for about 4 or 5 weeks, and the results are amazing. I’ve lost 12 pounds…but that’s not even the best part. The best part is that I’m beginning to feel like *me* again. I am a high energy person, and for the last year (?) that energy has not been available. But I’m coming back! This morning as I fought to get out of bed I realized that my morning sugars are nearing normal so that I can doze and rest…while previously my high sugar count (always highest in the morning) had awakened me in jitters and unrest. My metabolism is not yet normal, may never be, but it is WAY better and I feel like a million bucks. That’s exciting. The food is getting a little dull… meats, cheese, nuts, salads, lots and lots of veggies and the occasional fruit. I indulge in a piece or two of dark chocolate every day, and Starbucks’ “tall skinny half caff cinnamon dolce latte” is the treat of choice. Also I’ve just discovered Mike’s Light Hard Cranberry Lemonade which is only 6 carbs and quite delish. So…I’ll live. My basic approach is based on South Beach diet, and really is quite balanced and healthy. I just miss the junk of junk food. !!

My work goes in streaks, and I’ve just finished a streak of three 40 plus hour weeks which is unusual for me. The office is 45 minutes away, so that makes for long days. Coming home to make dinner and run kids leaves very little blog time. I love my job – truly love it – so other than not having enough hours in any day, all is fine. It will slow again… maybe. I’m at that weird point in a career where I could majorly escalate in work and responsibility…and half of me wants to…

Let’s see. Reading: just finished Friday Night Knitting Club which was readable but so disappointing in writing quality. I kept getting stuck in non sentences. Maybe I’m an editor at heart! I’d read, and then reread to see what I missed, and indeed it was simply poorly written. I finished it though, once I got used to the style. Nice easy read… gets a 5 out of 10. I’m not sure what I’m going to pick up next… (stay tuned)

Gilmore Girls. I’m on season 7, disk 3…and season 7 is the end. I’m not sure *why* I love it so much, but it is mindless entertainment at its best. The characters are all odd, and all extreme…it’s just so incredibly relaxing to me. The mom has some real relational problems (!!!) but she is loveable and her antics make for good discussion. The girls are watching it as well, and my favorite part is that our 12 year old son appears on the loveseat with me when I’m watching…he’d never admit it but he’s hooked as well. He watches with whoever is watching, and in no particular order…he just enjoys the characters.

I rarely watch tv…almost never…so to get hooked on a series like this is most unusual for me. I sort laundry, play internet scrabble or knit while I watch…it’s just thoroughly relaxing. And time consuming.

Bible study. I just received an email that Precepts training is coming to a city nearby, so I’ll sign up tonight. Inductive Bible Study is one of my favorite pastimes, but I’ve not taught a class in about two years. It’s a bit intense, and the participants need to be ready to commit. I feel that both of my studies are ready for a short Precepts class, so we’ll do a 6 week study this summer. Honestly, I’m SO excited to go to the two day training class…and get the three weeks of pre class homework… Not sure *what* I’ll be studying…stay tuned on that as well.

Prayer. Prayer has never been my forte. I love to study. I’m not so good at being still and talking to my God. Well, God decided to put me into an intensive program. A dear friend lost her prayer partner of 15 years to a tragic Christmas night car accident, and she has replaced her with ME. Each Friday morning we connect by phone and pray for 1-1.5 hours. It’s amazing. We pray Scripture, we try to follow A*C*T*S (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication) and make it a time of worship not just ask ask ask. It’s really such a privilege, and it’s changing my life and my focus. I’m also still working through the book, “The Prayer that Changes Everything,” and our current Bible study focuses on developing a consistent prayer life. So, God has put me into the intensive program indeed. My spirits are lifting. I’m not sure what the *magic* is – but the combination of this renewed focus on praise along with changing the eating habits that were literally killing me – it’s been a real boost. I keep saying, “I feel like me again.” That is such an awesome thing. Now…if I could just get back to consistent exercise. That piece is still missing, but will return when I can walk outdoors.

So, there’s the long and the short of it. Life is full. And blessed. And challenging. I’ll try to get back into the blog habit! I can’t wait to get caught up on the ones I read, too! Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up WITHOUT another extended period of couch time.